just ate dinner with H, during which he opened up a lot about how he'd been feeling lately. he talked about how he's been feeling empty for as long as he can remember and that he feels that no one accepts him for who he really is. he apologized for hurting me these past few months, and says that he wishes he could be a good husband to me, but that he just doesn't have it in him right now. he also said that he felt we had gotten married too fast, and that we should have talked a lot more about our expectations beforehand. he started to also question his faith in God, saying that he used to pray a lot, and has been feeling disillusioned since his mom passed away.
i tried validating everything he said, and made it clear that i love him still and accept him for who he is. however, i didn't bring up the R or ask where we stood regarding the D. i admit i was a bit discouraged when he made it clear he hadn't changed his mind about the D(even saying, "if i was a good husband to you, would i be divorcing you?") but tried my best not to show it.
h seems to be going through some kind of spiritual crisis of some sort. i'm continuing to try & detach, but i also want to be there for h if he wants to talk and open up. would this be pursuing if I make myself available to him if he wants to talk? is there anything i can do or say to help him with this (feeling empty, wanting peace)? or does this fall into the category of stuff he needs to figure out on his own? any thoughts?
also, i might be reading too much into this, but could H opening up be a reaction to my detaching as a way to see if i'll start pursuing again? does this distinction even matter?
would this be pursuing if I make myself available to him if he wants to talk? is there anything i can do or say to help him with this (feeling empty, wanting peace)? or does this fall into the category of stuff he needs to figure out on his own? any thoughts?
YES - pursuing, NOPE - FIXING YES - CONTROLLING
He is divorcing YOU - LET HIM GO. Give him what he wants.
DIVORCE = SPACE, he is going to get it whether you cooperate or not. Just worry about YOU!
In my opinion you can listen and validate but you should apply a "casual friend standard". i.e. if this was someone you work with who you kind of know but not that well, what would you do? You'd probably lend a sympathetic ear, but you wouldn't get too involved, nor would you say anything to imply that you're personally invested.
Originally Posted By: mncwing
and made it clear that i love him still and accept him for who he is.
I would leave that out. Paraphrased you are saying "look at me! I'm right here! I'm just exactly what you need!"
He needs to realize that on his own, you can't tell him or convince him with words.
The better message would be "I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope you work it out."
Don't offer advice, don't give him any suggestions. Listen, validate, and that's it. It's very tempting to try to be helpful and offer your thoughts and advice -- don't.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
thanks accuray, i had a feeling i may have slipped up a bit there. right after the words slipped out, i immediately thought, oops, i probably shouldn't have said that...
thanks for the advice. i'll try to keep that in mind for next time. i've been doing pretty well the past few weeks in terms of lying low and acting pretty detached (still working on my mental detachment), so this outpouring from H was kind of unexpected and tbh kind of caught be off guard. this was one of our first honest exchanges we've had in awhile too, which is why i didn't want to just brush it off too.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
Originally Posted By: mncwing
and made it clear that i love him still and accept him for who he is.
I would leave that out. Paraphrased you are saying "look at me! I'm right here! I'm just exactly what you need!"
He needs to realize that on his own, you can't tell him or convince him with words.
The better message would be "I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope you work it out."
Don't offer advice, don't give him any suggestions. Listen, validate, and that's it. It's very tempting to try to be helpful and offer your thoughts and advice -- don't.
Of course, completely human. Don't forget, no one here says this is easy -- it's super hard!
Remember, when you stop pursuing, H will likely mount a "no holds barred" campaign to get you to pursue again. When you pull back he won't like it. You need to stand firm until he is recommitted to the marriage. Until that time, he's on his own with his issues and problems.
(Cadet and I are saying the same thing I think)
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Of course, completely human. Don't forget, no one here says this is easy -- it's super hard!
Remember, when you stop pursuing, H will likely mount a "no holds barred" campaign to get you to pursue again. When you pull back he won't like it. You need to stand firm until he is recommitted to the marriage. Until that time, he's on his own with his issues and problems.
