Set up guitar and surf lessons. Various contact via telephone or fax shows her cold or angry toward me. W seems to think either that everything is my fault or that I'm blaming things on her mental health issues.
I tried to explain how I believe we've both made mistakes via our choices. But she seems unable to hear.
I am remembering this feeling and thinking that I need to cut off contact for awhile. Does dropping the rope sound like a reasonable idea at this time (Sep for 5 months, D talked about more frequently, W contacting X-BF).
A real-life friend has been strongly encouraging me to drop the rope and to start moving toward D. Without wanting to accept the need for a D, I have been trying to make less contact with W, yet still am doing so inconsistently - about every 2-3 days.
Been very close to throwing in the towel, just quitting on the M in the hope of stopping the pain. But that seems wimpy. And I doubt the pain would go away so easily.
Saw her on Wed to pick up mail - met at a university library - no allowance for convo, but still reved the racing thoughts. She looked rough, as I'm sure I did as well. But I told her that she looked hot, and handed her some facial products I'd ordered for her ~ 1 mo ago, when things were going better, and her D resolve wasn't so strong.
Made mistake of calling her on Sat 2/11 and left VM. She called back 30 min later and we talked for ~ 30 min, sharing about her horse-riding and some drama in her life. I merely empathetized, tried to keep it light, but messed up I think by telling her that I loved her. She got uncomfortable, talked about not wanting to get into it, that it hurt her head, so we said goodnight.
I went out to a bar to meet with 3 other folks. One woman was definitely interested, wanting to go home with me. I had a few drinks and left by myself. I remember clearly thinking "to thine own self be true." There will be many opportunities like that, but there is no need to add confusion to a confusing situation.
When I worry about the R, I notice a weird stress response - both arms going numb/tingly, nausea. The D diet has led to 17 lb loss so far. I need to get to the gym to make such change healthy and to ride the momentum of getting trimmer toward getting stronger.
Im terms of other GAL work, during guitar lessons or while practicing this week, playing has a nice way of taking my attention off things. Off to exercise to do more of the same. Other possible change may include a change in hairstyle and updating my clothes a bit.
I separated W and my cell phone services and a few other small bills. My thinking here was to keep our phone info separate (no temptations to snoop on my part) and to allow us each to taste the reality of being on our own.
Much less contact after a few heated texts/emails about splitting our possessions in a D process. She seemed very angry that I'd want some of the things I brought into the M back. Later she sent an apology email about demanding I give her more $ for phone bill and has not mentioned D again.
Last Tueday, W sent me an email that noted: "I feel the best thing for us is distance. I can't be swayed by your being loving, kind and giving to me. I fall for it every time. That is the man I love."
On Wed, she said she had mail for me. Instead of wanting to meet at a neutral site, she offered to come to my apartment when I noted I was home. Prior to her arrival, my adrenaline had been raised by my XW arriving with our son, her brother and her dog (I'd agreed to watch S12 and her dog while she went to an out-of-town funeral). They left, and I asked S12 to shower and read in his room.
W arrived, dropped my mail on the counter and raced to my master bathroom, walking thru my bedroom to get there. A GF later said W was obviously seeing what I was up to. I goofed by telling her she looked great, hugging her from the rear and smelling her hair. I asked her for a kiss, but she asked me to back up and left. Big goof - I know. PMA went south.
I sent text thanking her for bringing mail. Her response: whatever.
I noted that she looked hot. Her reply: Stop flirting w me.
I joked - Sorry, stiff upper lip, all professional here.
On Thur, I stupidly replied to her Tues email about wanting distance and noting her love for me, asking if she merely wanted to stay separated but distant or if she still wanted to meet with a D mediator soon. Her reply: Really
On Facebook, she hid her R status (from M), and deleted my S12 as one of her kids, as well as all pics of me. Gotta stop looking at her profile...
Still doing GAL work - able to run again now that knee is better, working out in gym, enjoyin guitar lessons, and work is going well. On Fri, started sleep meds (was only sleeping 2-3 hrs/night) and new antidepressant to lighten mood (had quit last summer durin a truly rough time). As GAL work, real-world GFs say I need to get out with other women and do things like dinners, convo, and dance lessons.
Any advice? It seems like things are speeding up or that at least some change is occuring. I get the feel that she is doing the "ILYBNILWU" thing, with a D still being pressed, but truthfully I have no idea what is going on in her head.
Printed out the 37 rules and placed them on fridge and bathroom mirror for my review.
No contact for 3 days. Keep fighting myself to not follow dumb reasons to text or email.
At Mass today, I received communion on the very spot we were married. I prayed for a miracle, asked for God's will to be done, and avoided texting her that I was praying for us (did so twice in the Fall, with her communicating appreciation, but I'm almost 100% sure it'd just trigger anger/resentment now).
Guys, it may look like I have been here ages. I was on DB years ago for my 1st marriage, but have been away for 6 years or so.
This time is about my 2nd marriage. I'm feeling rather clueless and could use your help, please.
I do indeed need to focus on me...and yes, I've forgotten a lot of who I am during these past wild 2 years - especially at the core. Not funny how much I changed to be the man for W. I was not true to myself. When I tried to be, I was conflictual or "controlling" in her eyes.
Need to figure out a compromise or to realize that perhaps it wouldn't have worked with her in the long run... I hope the latter is not true.
Finally sent off a letter of apology to a couple whose D was bit by my dog prior to W asking me to move out. No excuses, but I delayed my apology due to fear/not having the right words/my own Depression....til now. No matter what their response, I believe I've finally done the right thing. Tonight I go to apologize to my renters who have had to leave my house due to foreclosure. They are collateral damage from my M's financial consequences, but I'll be handing back their deposit to move forward with their lives. I just want both parties to hear my sincere apology.
This is part of my working on returning to my true self.
The crazy-maker worries about my sitch are quieting, thanks to improved sleep and GAL work. Best techniques so far are playing guitar and running.
