Bklyn Queen

[BklynMom]

I want to start this thread with a positive vibe.(But perhaps the only thing positive will be the title of this thread).

I have struggled this week with being physically sick and I feeling like I couldnt recover physically because mentally I was a mess. I have been living in this separation limbo since July. Bomb was in mid May.

I sometimes feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulder. Everyone on these boards has encouraged me to be more forth coming regarding my sitch to neighbors but I have still not discussed it with them. It is wearing on me. It is unbearable to me to discuss this with an acquaintance I feel humiliated.

It is wearing on me to keep a positive spin on the sitch to those close friends I do discuss it with. I dont want peoples pity.

My D3 knows that daddy does not live here but she still thinks we are a family and talks about "the whole family" going on car trips. I dont feel like I should tell her otherwise until I have an official D. But again I am carrying this load of not telling the whole truth.

I feel ready to calmly pack my H remaining clothes and tools and put them nicely in boxes for him. But I feel like I cant do that because that will enable him to move on but in so many ways it is holding me back.

H continues to act strange and the opposite of himself. Tonight I asked him if he would mind staying an extra 45 mins. watching the girls while I went out with some of the women after Alanon. He freaked out about staying 45 mins longer. This is so opposite H.

I apologized for asking at the last minute and also said it is okay if I dont go for coffee after. He later apologized and said he was being immature.

He told me again tonight that he has some books about talking to kids about D, that he is using to talk to our D3. That always rips a hole in my heart.

Last week my H said "I'm around" call me if you need me, this week he cant stay an extra 45 minutes. He doesnt suggest seeing the girls at all the weekend. He looks like he shaves in the dark and drinks till dawn every day.

Obviously my H is in some time of crisis but what is so so scary is how long it takes to recover from these sitchs. I am exhausted. I cant imagine living in limbo another 9 months. I am going gray - seriously.

The good news, my girls are angels. You dont even know. They are the best. I get to spend almost everyday with these angels, how lucky am I? I am the luckiest.

Also in the next few weeks I want to introduce a "fake boyfriend" to my life. I really think this would shake my H up. I have to think about it some more but my gut tells me it would work with my H.

Thats all for now. Thks for listening.

[sayitaintso]

Hey BK- Thinking about u. I have also thought of the fake gf scenario but have been reluctant cause I just don't want to be fake and not authentic. However, we have a goal and if their is a strategy that can bring us to that goal than I may have to step out of my comfort zone and try something like that.

What are your ideas about it?

[ces67]

Hey BM, is it a full moon this week or something? I'm right there with you on the exhaustion feeling! Hang on though, the energy will return.

BM said:
I sometimes feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulder. Everyone on these boards has encouraged me to be more forth coming regarding my sitch to neighbors but I have still not discussed it with them. It is wearing on me. It is unbearable to me to discuss this with an acquaintance I feel humiliated.

Ces- What if you're carrying a weight you don't have to? In the past few months, I've decided on a personal 180 of putting myself out there with who I am. I've opened up to people to some of my ugliness and been very frank about it.

You know what I found out? We all have crap we have to deal with and when I was willing to open up, so were others and low and behold, I've made some very strong friendships. In addition to this board, I've got guys from multiple states who call or text to check on me weekly and I do the same for them.

Some of the opening happened in a very structured retreat that helped break down my own barriers but then I found it was easier to share in more social setting with guys as I got to know them.

BM said:
I apologized for asking at the last minute and also said it is okay if I dont go for coffee after. He later apologized and said he was being immature.

Ces- sounds like you handled this really well! Good for you.

As far as the fake BF, my 2 cents (and that's probably the actual value of this opinion)...Don't waste your energy on a facade. Focus your attentions on friendships that are meaningful and go enjoy them. It could get draining to keep up a fake scenario like that.

I hope the feelings of humiliation pass, because it truly is a burden you don't have to carry. Your human, and tough stuff happens to all of us at some point. Keep your chin up. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. You're looking at your part of the issues and doing something about it. Shame or humiliation is just looking at past mistakes. You've looked and your moving forward and learning from them. So leave the shame & guilt back there with the old BM.

Hang in there and hope you have a great weekend!

[BklynMom]

Hi guys, having a blah weekend. Sunny but a little cold in NY so hard to stay out for too long with the girls. I truly hate being a single parent. It is so frickin hard. I always have to be so motivated for each little thing in order to get D3 to participate and it takes a lot of energy. Getting out of the house is such a production. Oy!!

H called me this morning to ask me for my lasagna recipe. I thought it was weird. Cant he google a lasagna recipe?? If he likes my lasagna, why doesnt he like me??

We needed to discuss a change in the custody schedule and we both talked about what would work for us. I told him I would think about his proposal. He doesnt like to watch the girls at our apt because "I cant stand being in that apartment for too long"

I dont respond when he says that but it does hurt my feelings. I am not so attached to this place but I did try to create a homey place for our family and it hurts that he cant stand it here.

I later emailed my H, that he's plan for the new custody works for me. He hasnt emailed back.

I am still in so much pain.

H is off to a super bowl party with my lasagna recipe and the girls and I are staying in. I turned down an invite to a super bowl party with some friends that dont know about my sitch.

As I have written about before I struggle with talking to acquaintances about my sitch and I hate hate hate being a single mom amongst families. My girls will go to many more super bowl parties, we can sit this one out and have regular evening doing puzzles and playing grocery shopping.

Ces - I read what you write about keeping my chin up over and over but it is not sinking in. Its strange with work people I can be honest but in my family focused neighborhood I struggle. I dont even know how to start sharing this. I dont know how I would ever say "H & I are separated right now" I cant imagine ever ever saying that. It still hurts so much.

"So leave the shame & guilt back there with the old BM." I dont know how to do this. I dont even know where to begin. How can I possible tell a neighbor what a failure as woman & mother & wife I am?? I am embrassed for my children to have such an awful mother.

Not providing my children with a two parent home seems like the ultimate in failure.

I do act as if everything is peachy but its just acting.

[CO1978]

BM you really have to stop shouldering the blame. A failure in a marriage happens because of 2 people not just one. And because your marriage isn't working out, it does not mean you are not a great woman and mother.

I still encourage you to talk to your neighbors, you may be suprised how supporting they are. You cant keep thinking all the neighbors are like from "Leave it to Beaver."

Keep positive, there is no embarassment in what we are going through.

[BFloat]

(((((BM)))))

you are NOT a failure! the circumstances are sh*tty but you are doing what you can to provide a stable, loving environment for your girls and that takes so much strength and courage!

not having 2 parents in the home s&cks but it wasn't your choice. you are doing what you need to for yourself and your girls and ultimately, H will have to make his own decision. i know it's hard.

you need love and support! i haven't shared my situation w/ a lot of people. only with a select number of friends. one of my lifesaving supports is a married gf (the same one that wrote me that letter). she is so stable and totally gets why i'm so committed to marriage. i thought it would be hard to be around her and her family but it has been so great! i have had a few talks w/ her H, many talks w/ her.. and our kids love to play together. it's been a total win-win.

our situation is nothing to be embarassed about. i get that you don't want to talk to a lot of neighbours etc (i wouldn't really want to either. don't feel like sharing that pain) but hopefully you'll consider opening up to a few more friends?

wish i could come pick you up and head out for a night of awesome GAL!! but since i can not... ((((((( )))))))

[purgatory]

I've struggled with the embarrassment feeling of saying: "hey, I failed as a wife so my H left." I've avoided certain people and events in which I would feel obligated to explain my sitch- partly because I don't want everyone to know, but also because saying it out loud is admitting defeat.

The few people I have shared with- have told me that they never would have known because of how I had been acting. They gave me a huge ego boost by telling me how impressed they were with my dignity and strength. And now that it ou in the open, I don't feel as anxious and it nice to have some new people that I can vent to.

You'll know when you feel comfortable and which people are safe to open up to.

((bklyn))

[kolja]

It's quite possible he's uncomfortable in your apartment because it reminds him of what he's leaving behind; it's got to be harder for him to convince himself that he's not making a huge mistake when he's in those surroundings. That, in a backwards kind of way, could actually be a good sign...

[rickb89]

Brklyn....wish you would feel better....maybe you should get a real boyfriend...that would shake his a$$ up...but hey maybe that's Superbowl depression speaking?

[ces67]

((((((((((((((((BlynMom)))))))))))))))

I'm sorry this is so hard. I wish it would go away for you and us all. But the sad reality is we are all in the fight of our lives and I just don't want you to give up.

I've come to believe we are not only fighting for our marriages but for our own very hearts. You have a good heart and I pray you can keep fighting for yourself first and foremost.

It truly is the roller coaster and I'm right there riding it with you. I started my last post with a list of positives and now the past 2 days I'm just wanting out. And its been this way for 18 months. (sorry, not very encouraging is it).

But I'm still standing. I still have 2 great kids and I can still be the person I want to be. Some days the vision of who that is can be very clear and I can almost grab it. Then somehow its fades like vapor and I struggle to feel that strength again. But quitting, and giving in to the misery won't help you or your girls.

Your H is massive jerk and quite honestly so is my W. But that is their choices driving those behaviors. Not you or me.

Ok, I'll stop before I keep on rambling. I'm thinking of you and hope you have a much better week. Take care of you & those angels.