My wife and I have been getting along in a much more natural "like it used to be" kind of way lately- ever since I put an end to the pursuer/distancer dynamic a month ago by avoiding all R talk etc. I still show her affection (it is rarely returned aside from hugging back) and have acted like I still love her without saying it (unless she says it first) or pushing it on her.
Well, I received a Valentine's card from my wife last night. Have to say I didn't know if I would or not. The card read " This may not rhyme, but screw it. We somehow manage to keep it together- chores, meltdowns, and all. I don't know how we do it." inside it says " Hey that does rhyme!".
Inside the card my wife wrote:
Dear Andy,
Despite all the incredibly difficult times we've had this past year, it meant so much to me how you have been rock solid in your love for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making the incredible changes in yourself! I am so sorry for all the pain, worry and stress. I'm trying so hard (but not obsessing) and I truly appreciate your kind, loving and gentle treatment of me. Happy Valentines Day, Love, (wife)
I gave her a big hug and whispered "thank you". She held me back as hard as she could for several minutes and cried. I really believe she is working, by herself and with the counselor, to rediscover her love for me. I have my fingers crossed.
I may be naive, but her card filled me with hope to keep going.
Congrats on the card. Congrats on making changes that are obviously working in your M.
But tread lightly. If it were myself, this hugely positive olive branch would give me a very strong urge to go full speed ahead. Not sure if you're the same.
Trust me when I say I'm not jumping the gun. In my mind, that type of pursuing would only cause her to distance in response. I liken it to catching a cat. Whenever I wanted to get my dog to take medicine I would just call her over and she'd come- even if she knew it was to take a pill. Not so with my cat. The more I wanted to get a hold of my cat the harder and more urgently he'd run and hide until he was finally hissing at me from under the bed. However, if I acted calmly like I could take him or leave him he'd be in my lap purring for attention.
My intent is to stay exactly as I have been and hooefully she will appreciate me all the more. Can't promise I won't backslide, I am human, but I've gotten pretty good at staying the course- striking the right balance between distance and receptiveness. Want my wife putting, not hissing!
I've got a VERY affectionate Siamese named Milo. Well when he is mauling me and won't leave me alone I pick him up and squeeze and hug and kiss him all over. As soon as he is not setting the pace he leaves me alone!
HS, you cracked me up with the cat analogy. Thanks for the laugh! After many months of my 'kitty' hissing at me, I think I may actually be coaxing him from under the bed...
That is a very encouraging card! Hope things work out for you, and I've seen it posted many times here before- keep doing what works!!
Cat DB'ing - that is funny. Especially given their personalities. I might have to get one just to practice.
HopefulStil - Great Card. You are right to be cautious. Watch and Watch. However the great thing about a card like that is the strength it can give to keep going at the pace you need to. Congrats.
Congrats Hopeful(s), that is great news and I am very envious of you. And congrats to everyone who got something from their spouse. I would concur that taking it slow is probably your best approach, but I rarely give advice since I have thusfar failed miserably at applying the DB principles... Good luck!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
