Well, in your sitch, suicidal thoughts would probably be normal for anyone. I'm not suggesting you make light of them, since you've been dealing with them for some time. Just keep context in mind.
Alright, so let me try to get this on to the DBing side of things.
More background on the situation itself. So I moved out on Jan 27th. On Feb 11, we were talking about the kids on the phone and she brought up making things permanent. I fell apart completely. I brought this up with my therapist, and his advice was to take things slow.
The next Sat (Feb 18), my father comes to me all upset, saying that my wife had spoken to him and told him she was planning on filing following week. She also included a comment from the lawyer that if I tried to fight it, I would be putting his kids through college instead of mine.
By now I had read DB, but still made the mistake of calling her. I started out calm, but fell apart by the end. What I did get out of this conversation was: She had a consultation with the lawyer, but hadn't paid anything yet, the comment about putting kids through college wasn't a threat, but a statement of fact given new NY laws, and basicly she wants to be done and get on with her life.
I told her what my therapist said about taking it slow, and she responded that she was told she needed to get things done quickly so she could start to heal. In fact she couldn't start to heal until the divorce was final. (I don't know much about psychology, but this sounds contrary to everything I do know. Healing is dependent on something external ? But obviously I am biased. Heavily biased.)
Later in the day there were some quick texts exchanged. I asked why she told this to my father at all, she answered that she was concerned about my reactions, wanted to make sure I was OK. I responded "I'm not."
Since then, I've tried to implement LRT. I call to talk to the kids every night, but only speak to her when we need to talk about pickups and such. It's now March 13 and I haven't received any letters from lawyers.
I've lost 36 pounds, which isn't bad since I used to weight 308. I've started walking to make sure I can keep it up. When I got that heavy I didn't even want to buy clothes, and having my own business I didn't bother getting dressed in anything other than jeans and t-shirt/flannel for work. I've bought some new clothes and am actually dressing for work.
I'm seeing the therapist and psychiatrist regularly. Last therapy session he told me I've made progress on anger, which felt good.
Other than that I'm a basket case, I can't concentrate at all on work. I've now read both DB and DR, and am working on "Change your life and everyone in it" for reinforcement.
M 42, W 40, S 11, D 9 Together 20 years, married 15 W Dropped Bomb 1/12/2012 I moved (kicked) out 1/27/2012
And when I get to my parent's house today there is a letter from her lawyer waiting.
Quote:
Please be advised that my office has been retained by your wife with regard to marital difficulties that have arisen. It is her express desire to resolve these issues amicably and without the expense, sterss, delay, and uncertainty of protracted litigation. With this in mind, please contact me upon recipt of this letter to discuss how we may proceed. If you have alawyer, please bring this letter to your lawyer and have that lawyer contact me. If I do not here from you or your lawyer on or before March 16, 2012, I will presume that you have no interest in resolving this matter and I will proceed accordingly.
I find it interesting that it just says "marital difficulties" instead of divorce or anything else. Typical Lawyer BS.
M 42, W 40, S 11, D 9 Together 20 years, married 15 W Dropped Bomb 1/12/2012 I moved (kicked) out 1/27/2012
So. I haven't posted since receiving the letter, because later that night I tried to kill myself. Obviously unsuccessfully, though I'm not sure yet if fortunately.
I spent a week as an inpatient, and am now in a partial hospitalisation program, with 6 hours a day of group and individual sessions at the hospital.
W supposedly told lawyer I would be unable to reply by the deadline, but I know no more than that, and my therapist's opinion is that I have given my response.
Right now I'm trying to concentrate on gettting better, but it is hard to put other things out of my mind.
M 42, W 40, S 11, D 9 Together 20 years, married 15 W Dropped Bomb 1/12/2012 I moved (kicked) out 1/27/2012
I know it seems real difficult now. I think you should put all the DB stuff on hold for now. DB can be tough on a person emotionally. I think your sole focus should be getting better mentally and emotionally. The tunnel that seems so dark and encompassing now does have an end and there is light and goodness. Please take care of yourself and know that I care and am pulling for you.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Concentrating on getting myself better is exactly what DB says to do now though, so I don't see that as conflicting. Aspects of the books have been very helpful, such as dressing better, all the little things they say to do for yourself is exactly what my doctors are saying. They don't use the term GAL, but its essentially what they are saying to do.
Plus I still have to interact with my wife concerning the kids. Being with my kids is one of the few times I feel ok.
M 42, W 40, S 11, D 9 Together 20 years, married 15 W Dropped Bomb 1/12/2012 I moved (kicked) out 1/27/2012
So sorry to hear about what you're going through. Honestly, I look at DB as a way to improve yourself, which is what you should be focusing on right now. If it saves your marriage, that's just gravy. But you really need to focus on you right now. I'm sorry for the pain you must be going through.
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
I was forwarded your thread to look over. It has been quite some time since I have posted to anyone but after reading over your story I felt compelled to share a few words with you. I must say that it takes an incredible amount of courage to admit what you have done and I am sure the overriding guilt can seem unbearable at times. I think what Harrier said is actually sound advice the emotions that surface after receiving news from a spouse that they are leaving can be quite overwhelming. It seems to me you need some professional help and you are getting it. The truth of the matter is not every marriage on this board should be saved and a huge portion of them will not, even the ones that should. As you go forward with this process understand that you have control over one thing and one thing only…yourself. That is it.
You will spend a lot of wasted energy and time analyzing things your spouse does or says and be consumed by it at points but it is important to remember one simple thing. While your heart yearns for her and you want her to return to you so that things can go be as they were once you do not need her in your life. You want, you do not need.
Everybody comes here looking to save their marriage and for the most part it is important to support each other and give each other strength in these times of darkness however, your sitch is a little different than most. You have admitted what I suspect many are guilty off and have not. Sometimes it takes a disaster in our life for us to wake up and see the damage of our actions. I hope this is your time to self-reflect and do a little growing. Loss of control in your emotions displayed in anger and violence is a sign of a weak mind. I am not saying to hurt, you have enough of that in your life right now, but only to tell you that you must first seek to understand and then to be understood.
My journey was long and painful and few were the days I felt relief and peace but as time passed I learned to cope and eventually feel better about where I am in life. Sometimes the things that happen today mean nothing to us but their true meaning is revealed in time. Hopefully this is the beginning of such a journey for you.
You have two children and a life to live. I hope for their sake that thoughts of suicide are removed from your mind and you can begin the process of growing and healing. In this case your wife was the victim and you the aggressor and if you ever want to achieve happiness with her or without I suggest you take this time to learn a few things about yourself.
