Light at the end of the tunnel?

[YankeeCandle]

MyKarma, I used to feel that way with my H, that I did all the work to hold things together. What this means is that she is putting more emotional energy and ideas into the pot, and that's what she feels like. That she got 'excited' about telling you about the T she found was an indication of that level of energy she gives.

Out of curiosity, have you actually looked for a MC in your network yet? This could easily be seen as something you could have done to bring more to the table - and organised it as being on skype.

In conversing with her, the best you can do is simply to be honest in how you feel - honest communication.

You said: But even after telling her that, i had this nagging feeling whether she was hurt because of what i said.

This is you - not her. Those are your eggshells, she is not the one throwing them on the ground. So, a good place to start is to take responsibility for your own anticipation.

I can see this dance well - probably due to a combo of your anticipation and her expectations as well.

It's important to change this dynamic. The way to do that - from your end - is to NOT let your anticipation get the best of you. As you begin to communicate honestly ABOUT YOURSELF, she will pick it up and begin to respect your boundaries. That can only come from you.

So, for example, you can say:

Yes, I appreciate your suggestions, I really do and I will see if it works in a schedule that I devise for myself. I've been trying to work on how to best work it with my job etc., and it's important that I do that otherwise I will feel like I can't make this work, and it could affect my self-esteem in the long run. So, while it's a simple schedule, it's actually a new way of being that I am teaching myself.

In other words, bring it back to you. Don't get caught up in the tug of war of who controls what. Stand for yourself, what you want to achieve for yourself and what you want - and it can be done in a very loving assertive manner - which will soften her up quite a lot (I guarentee it). It might take a couple of times, but if you are consistent, a light bulb will go on for her. Then you will see a change in how she suggests things to you. You don't have to tell her to back off or to get lost.

Maybe you could practice on people around you already in which you don't have too much invested.

[~ kd ~]

Originally I wanted to leave my question stand on it's own, Karma... but it might have sounded a little more harsh than I wanted it to...

So I will qualify it...

and I won't use my W as an example... maybe it would help for you to do the same... ie. don't think about your W in the context of answering the question...

There are things that I DID NOT want in a relationship with someone.

They are still things that I DO NOT want in a relationship with someone.

They were deal breakers and they still are.

In an relationship, there are certain things that I might overlook...

But what I've learned over the past 12 years is... some things I just don't want in my life...

[Redo]

Thanks so much for the valuable feedback friends!

Are they deal breakers for you?

KD : Some are not. But some definitely are because when i look back now with the glasses of my newfound wisdom, i think some will just throw me out for a spin. The way i am approaching now is that I am willing to make sacrifices and i am expecting her to make them too. In the past, i never expected any such stuff from her. Now i am. No point jumping back into the R and make both ourselves unhappy.

I haven't read your sitch, sorry, but it sounds like you really would benefit from MC together, so you have an objective "referee" to help you communicate safely with each other.

Thanks for stopping by adniva. Yup, MC is the route to go. But because of our distances right now (almost 220 miles apart) it is extremely hard. We did try going to an MC in my town for 4 visits. By then MC decided that W needed to get an IC of her own to address her issues. So now W feels that MC was not good. I decided to let that slide. So we are looking for a new one.

So the goal is for W to move back to our house. Looks like she wants to. But i am not ready yet. Amazing what a year can do to you. Last year, i would have jumped up and down at the prospect. Now i feel that i too need to weigh my thoughts and see how and where we are going.

That she got 'excited' about telling you about the T she found was an indication of that level of energy she gives.

YankeeCandle, thanks for stopping by. You got it. Yup, she said that she got excited as to what and how she learning stuff and wanted me to join in the excitement. When she did not see the same reaction from me (i have learnt to take things slow now), she got disappointed and out came the stuff.

Yup, we are looking for an MC. We have an appt with her IC next week who will be our temp MC until we can find one in my town.

You said: But even after telling her that, i had this nagging feeling whether she was hurt because of what i said.

This is you - not her. Those are your eggshells, she is not the one throwing them on the ground. So, a good place to start is to take responsibility for your own anticipation.

Yup, absolutely that is my issue and i am learning to slowly take things at face value and not read between the lines. These are some bad habits i developed during our marriage and will take some time. But as long as i am conscious about it, i am doing okay.

Yes, I appreciate your suggestions, I really do and I will see if it works in a schedule that I devise for myself. I've been trying to work on how to best work it with my job etc., and it's important that I do that otherwise I will feel like I can't make this work, and it could affect my self-esteem in the long run. So, while it's a simple schedule, it's actually a new way of being that I am teaching myself.

I like it!. Yea nowadays i am trying to tell her when she crossing the boundaries. I try to tell her that if she crosses them, then i affects me and that i cannot be a better partner to her. With this we seem to be doing okay.

In the past 2 weeks we came across some real serious discussions that we were able to complete and still keep our friendship going.

[Redo]

Good questions KD. Thanks!

Yea before all this reaching out to Wife started, i wrote down my own list which sorta described me as a person. As to what i can live with, what if i give up will erase me as me.

In the past i always ended up second guessing myself. Either due to feedback from wife or without due to the learned behavior.

If if watching some hollywood movies, watching some good marriages that i know of and reading books, a man has got to stick to something he believes in and stand by it. Of course, as long as it is not a wrong thing. I always swayed my feelings and decisions based on my wife's emotional weather. One huge change i have noticed is that when i do stick to my decisions, I feel good, and i notice my wife changing too.

[Harrier]

karma, I'm going to give you some "cover" in regards to the IC

First of all, I think most ICs would prefer not to do MC as well or they shouldn't. Why? Basically, it's a conflict of interest.

In IC, the patient is the individual. In MC, the "patient" is the marriage in theory. You just can't switch modes like that. A reputable therapist shouldn't ask the either.

I would say something like this to your W. I worry that talking about us together would take away his ability to be a great IC to you. It seems that she has done well under this IC and to add you into the mix might not be a smart move. I would have no problem meeting (or in your case Skyping) with the guy though.

[Redo]

Thanks Harrier. Yup that was my concern too. But the moment i tried to put it delicately by saying "your IC sessions would be impacted if he became our MC", i sensed that she was getting agitated. So i thought of at-least attending one session in the spirit of being open and slowly tell her about the pitfalls.

[Redo]

Journaling...

I thought i'd change my signature a bit. But i think it is big.
W and I have been in this mode for a lil while now.

I'd say we are piecing now.
W has been asking me(not directly) as to when they(she and my daughter) can move back.

About 8 months ago, i would have been jumping up about this. Now i find myself asking the question "why does my heart not feel this immense joy or love toward wife". I have not told her this. I told her that we can soon sit down to figure out the logistics of the move back.

I guess in my heart i am lil apprehensive and non-emotional. Non-emotional because i dunno, i feel that my heart has become a bit cold. I keep trying to consciously develop feelings for her. Now i have decided to stop trying that and let nature take its course. I am hoping that our increased contact should bring back those feelings....

[~ kd ~]

I would ask you a whole bunch of questions about whether you want her back or why you think she's changed her mind or how the two of you have changed and things would now be different...

But I will only say this... for your consideration...

I suspect you understand that there are very many people who are living very happily and joyfully in arranged marriages...

From what I understand, it is because they choose to enjoy the company and value of the other... getting to know each other and having great and intimate connections...

[Redo]

KD: Thanks for stopping by.

Funny you brought up arranged marriages. After what i(and my W) have been through: I hate arranged marriages. 11 years ago, i did not know any better. I think they work with the indian population because we are taught not to question authority(although this has changed leaps and bounds in the last few years). Almost every indian couple i know hangs onto the R because they will become pariahs in the community if they file for D. Even though my wife was born and raised in the US, i guess the culture never leaves you.

In a way, i know that my W wants to come back because she knows that she too will face the same situation. Even though she has given me some really good reasons she is coming back, i think the pariah thing is at the back of her mind. I have decided to accept her coming back as good and work with it. This one year has taught me how to let things go. truly let them go without them bothering you.

When this 'not having feelings for her' came up in my head, i had to be honest and went digging whether i ever had this "madly in love" feeling for my wife. It pains to say it, but i never did. My feeling was more of an "attachment" thing with my wife. That is why i went crazy when she filed. I lost my foundation. Now when i look back, that filing for D was a blessing in disguise.

I have grown a lot emotionally during this time and i genuinely want to fall in love with her again. A strong push for me is that fact that we do connect with each other in a lot of ways. And for the sake of my daughter.

[~ kd ~]

I don't think one can really take the culture out of the context... no matter how "Western" one wants to become (and I'm not real sure why people want to embrace "Western" philosophies)...

Think about this... I KNOW love is a feeling... that BY CHOICE is something I GIVE...

I know lust is a chemical condition that occurs in my brain and is temporary... I can not force that condition to continue...

Western culture appears to have a way of choosing first by lust... and then continuing by choice... under that claim of (that individual's understanding or perception of) love...

While lust COULD occur upon meeting one's life partner in an arranged marriage... it is common ground and a desire to love and to give love (along with the cultural / social repercussions) that allow for those unions to thrive...

Although I am sure that both of you will have your misgivings at this time... The two of you can both CHOOSE love and ACTS of love to make this work in a healthy way...