dueinMay all of this is about self-reflection. every single last piece.
because that is all you will ever have control over.
you can manipulate your H. but you cant control him. you can judge, punish, coax, hate, beat, etc. but you'll usually end up frustrated.
you do have complete control over yourself, your emotions, perspective, etc.
its your choice to highlight his negatives, and ignore his positives. but that will just make you miserable.
likewise you can just as easily choose to see the positives, focus on the progress he's made, the work that he does put in, his fathering. but that will only make you happy.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Things are... fine. I mean, I can't complain. H seems to be trying still. I am just... here.
We put an offer on a house. They accepted. H is super excited. I am... not. I'm not disappointed, or upset, or uneasy. I just feel nothing. A house. Hm. Ok, great, I guess.
I sort of feel like I can't/shouldn't get excited about anything anymore because I will most likely end up disappointed.
And I know that's ridiculously pessimistic, and illogical, and somewhat childish. I mean, it doesn't make me upset, but I just feel very cut and dry about life in general right now.
Although I did get excited about D's birthday party.
It was a lot of fun. We had a really good turn out (which I'm really pleased about considering how much time/money I put into it). I rented a park and made huge cut outs of Sesame Street characters, made up little games for the kids to play, decorated cupcakes to look like the various monsters on the Street, and D did not smash her smash cake (she's like me and doesn't do sticky/gooey with her hands) but she went face first into it. We got some good pictures.
H was extremely complimentary about the party. Said he was really impressed how thought out and organized it was. He also said several people thought it was the "best 1 yr old birthday party they'd ever been to" (which is probably not saying much, but I'll take the compliment, thanks).
I've gotten extremely angry with him on at least 2 occasions in the past 2 or so weeks. Once ended with him begging me to come back to bed, which I refused to do until he refuted his own crappy argument (this was the "you're not fun" argument, which I'm sick and tired of hearing. I'm not the one who bought a 50+ inch TV and wants to sit and watch that every freaking night). And the second I just kept my mouth shut and am pretty impressed I didn't grind my teeth down to nubs I was so angry. He was poking the bear after the birthday party when I was already tired, hungry, and sun-beaten.
But to get off my b!tching soapbox, he did give me a lovely Mother's Day. He gave me a simple, beautiful silver ring with a small emerald in it, in honor of our D. He also took me out to a lovely brunch. This was followed by D smearing strawberry jam on my sunglasses and sneezing snot on my shoulder. If that's not a Mother's Day, I don't know what is.
But seriously, it was very nice.
It's difficult to assess how I feel about anything right now. I feel so mechanical. Work is so completely absorbing that I think of little else. Only 7 more days with students. Every day I think I have done everything there is to do, and then some other random end of the year form pops up in my email box, waiting to be filled out and turned in.
The only real things I have planned this summer is wrapping up that damn thesis, going on vacation for a week to Colorado with my family (and maybe H. Initially he said absolutely not, he did not want to go... don't ask me why, it makes no sense, I could not explain it if I tried... but then he realized I didn't give a damn if he went or not, so now he's bending to the idea), and now apparently, moving into a house. That should keep those 11 weeks between this school year and next busy.
I'm trying to take better care of myself. This time of year it's really, really not easy. I've been going to all of my appointments and trying to do things that make me happy (even though it was draining, planning D's party did make me very happy). My best friend is coming into town in 2 weeks and will be here for almost a month. That will make things even better.
I'm just not very concerned with my M right now. And maybe that's for the best, but at the same time, I'm not concerned about it because it's healthy, I'm not concerned because I feel apathetic. And the apathy worries me.
I have not read your post in awhile, but I did read your last post. I completely understand how you feel about buying a new house. My H moved in with me back in February after being separated for 8 months and he said my place was too small for him and wanted us to buy a house. Talk about stress. I finally told him that I was not interested in buying house right now because I want to make sure things work out between us. I told him that He left me in 2010 and left me again 2011 and if he decided to leave me again, then I would not have to move. He was upset but said that he understood.
I'm writing to you again here, realizing I don't hold the popular opinion, and everyone usually dismisses me, but I've been saying this for months now when I first pointed out (and everyone came down on me) that you had a lot of anger. People quickly said you didn't - even people who aren't you.
I think what I see in this is a quick attempt to slap together a marriage and keep it together - one that was slowly falling apart.
For me, the only way to piece that back is to heal the wound. And I see that you are trying to stuff your emotions for the sake of the marriage and that's not gonna work.
I really don't know how others do it. But I strongly believe you have to feel your feelings. They're not going to go away and this is going to keep coming up - long term - until you do -
Doing it now may just be the very best thing for your marriage. Numbing and cutting yourself off so that you ignore the past of your marriage and your anger and resentment at your husband - innocent as he may be - is NOT in my opinion the way to go.
Do you have to take it out on him or even involve him? Maybe - at some point. But right now, I would work just on creating a safe place for you to let those emotions have some space. They will pass through you and create new boundaries and a new understanding of self.
Please consider reading the book I've mentioned here called Language of Emotions - if you don't read the whole thing, you can read from the beginning into the sections about each emotion and find the ones your dealing with
Apathy - (pages 191-196) "Apathy often masks anger and depression, both of which arise in response to inappropriate environments and degraded boundaries. You can see apathy trying to slap a boundary together--trying to define itself with material possessions, addictions and distractions, sarcasm, or perfect-world scenarios. Apathy points to a loss of boundaries, and to a distinct and urgent need for change, but it does so in an ineffectual and distractible way."
And "apathy can serve important functions in many situations where effective action cannot be undertaken."
And "We need the masking state of apathy if we're unbalanced or dissociated and can't use our emotions properly, and many of us use apathy to provide the flow that should come from our emotions. For some of us, apathy and the distractions it requires are the only things that can get us from one place to the next."
"....our apathy keeps us going and provides a certain shielding from our deep issues."
I think what I see in this is a quick attempt to slap together a marriage and keep it together - one that was slowly falling apart. For me, the only way to piece that back is to heal the wound. And I see that you are trying to stuff your emotions for the sake of the marriage and that's not gonna work
I think this goes for anyone. I can speak from experience. Back in 2010 when I caught my H in an emotional affair and he left. I thought I could put it behind me. After 3 weeks of separation, he moved back home. At first, I acted like nothing happened. I thought I could forget about it, so I didn't deal with it. A year later he left again. He was gone 8 months. I finally started to heal from the first emotional affair. If you think that you don't have to deal with it right now, you are wrong. Deal with it and start the healing process because it will bite you again but harder.
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I really don't know how others do it. But I strongly believe you have to feel your feelings. They're not going to go away and this is going to keep coming up - long term - until you do -
You are right about this. AMEN!
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Doing it now may just be the very best thing for your marriage. Numbing and cutting yourself off so that you ignore the past of your marriage and your anger and resentment at your husband - innocent as he may be - is NOT in my opinion the way to go.
I totally agree with you.
She is giving you some good advice. Don't ignore your feelings.
I don't believe in sweeping things under the rug either especially when it comes to anger over a EA or abandonment by your spouse during a very difficult and emotional time of your life.
It has to be dealt with and yes, when we are talking about an EA or a PA the issues that led the person down that path have to be discussed. The conditions that led to the A have to be addressed. And the anger has to be dealt with as well.
But behind anger is fear, and sadness and pain. I assume May is dealing with these emotions in IC and MC.
Expressing anger is necessary too but it's all in the way that it is expressed. There is a big difference between saying, "You hurt me deeply and stole my sense of safety and because of that I am very angry. But I love you and I am trying to work through it." And just venting or saying, "You ruined my life, you &#%@%%$&%*&!"
I don't believe anyone is saying May shouldn't be angry or express that anger (at least I am not).
After an A, I've read there is an anger period. It usually hits between 6-9 months into piecing. And it's the worst stage and it can last for months. Recovery is like dealing with a death. The stages are the same. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Getting stuck in one stage is not healing but moving into the next stage is not ignoring the problem.
Yes, Endeavor. But if you read the Language of Emotions - there's a middle ground between expressing and repressing/suppressing -sounds to me like May has taken both those paths, but not the one in the middle.
People have misinterpreted what I've been saying - they think I'm saying express the anger; I'm not. I'm saying feel it. In the book, she describes what it's like to do this within your OWN boundary (not toward other people and not swallowing it yourself).
It's powerful.
The anger is there for May. It exists. Let's acknowledge it. I don't know that she's addressing sadness and pain and fear in IC and MC. It doesn't matter. What's she's not doing is feeling the emotions and it's bottling up. And now it's apathy, which is not so desireable.
May, despite what anyone tells you HAVE your emotions. Let THEM (not us) be your guides in your situation; it takes a little getting used to but once you practice this and listen to your own inner wisdom and feel your feelings, you will learn to trust yourself, to take care of yourself, to not have your boundaries violated, to endure other's bad behavior and still make decisions from a safe, calm, adult space.
This is necessary work to growing up - especially so for the sake of our children. It's calling for you-
