I believe that after all this time, I have been able to let go.
X and I are cooperative and a little friendly.
I think that New Guy has made me re-think a lot of aspects of my past R. I did love X and I wanted to be with him. In the end, though, he just didn't want to be with me enough to put in any effort.
I have had trouble letting go. I am not sure I will eve forget the hurt and the challenges.
But X has his own life. I need to have mine.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
You know, when in a new relationship they say not to compare the new with the old. But how can you not do that?
I think that only in a new relationship can a person begin to see aspects of the last R they were in. I mean we can sit here and speculate and re hash it all. But in a new relationship it is there you can look back and see what worked and what didn't. Maybe things in the new R don't work that did in the last R.
I'm thinking on the same thing. The more time goes by, the more I remember how my needs in the marriage weren't being met, how any time I tried to talk to H about anything he'd have an excuse, how I knew absolutely nothing about his past or his inner self.
I was superficially aware of these things before, but didn't give them the weight they deserved. I loved my husband so sacrificed many of my needs. I accepted his excuses for our dismal sex life as they seemed reasonable. I accepted his refusal to talk about his past as part of who he is. Unconditional love I think they call it. I've tempered that with a strong does of objectivity.
I now know that in all of these ways he was hiding from me, as he hides from everybody. I now know that he lied about some very important things. H tried from day one to push me out of the relationship and when I wouldn't go, he did. A bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy on his part. I don't know what he's scared of, but it's his fear to face and he ain't gonna face it any time soon. If he can leave the mother of his child while pregnant, and his child at the age of seven, lie about it and never look back, he can certainly leave me and do the same. It's sad.
So now I'm ready to launch into the dating world. Next time H comes to pick up some things we're going to have a chat. I will tell him what my plans (to start dating) are and why (I'm sorry for anything I've done, I've always believed my marriage is worth saving, but I don't believe he can work through his issues and recommit). But I won't do anything until that time comes. I'll grant him the respect and transparency he didn't give me.
Not sure if this thread was meant for your experience or for people to share theirs. If the former, sorry...not meaning to hijack!! If the latter, great idea!
All the best. Life is what you make it!
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
I am happy to report that X is paying more attention to D. He actually volunteered to pick her up and I truly hope that he demonstrates some consistent interest.
But I feel sorry for New Woman as X spoke of "sacrificing his health for other people." I hope X is not making New Woman feel like a burden during what are likely her last months.
This was not the way he was earlier...was it? Sometimes I wonder if I wasn't seeing things clearly to begin with.
I do know that caregiving is a difficult situation, but I guess I also see it as part of life.
At any rate, maybe there is an MLC and maybe X is growing up some and coming out of it, at least in terms of being interested in D.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Forward, I am so happy to hear that your ex is spending time with your daughter. What great news. Reinforce this behavior over and over. They are so like children that need pats on the back for what normally is their responsibility. I do wonder how he is treating new woman. Does their treatment of us differ much from OW/New woman? I would love to have the answer to that question.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Former ILs are in town. I realized that this causes me both anxiety and some pain, when they are around.
I am not sorry I cut off contact with them, for the most part. I could not deny how much they were hurting me by supporting OW as if they had known her as long as they had known me. I did not want to sit at dinner with them pretending that nothing was going on.
I am not sure why I am anxious. I doubt I will even see them.
I guess they remind me of my past life. I did love them and realize there is some pain with losing them as well as X. Maybe I am not as "over" them as I feel w/X. When I know they are around, I find myself wondering how they are doing, and having some anticipatory responses as I used to enjoy seeing them.
But I think to myself...did X love my parents and family? I feel confident that the answer is No. I don't think he liked them and I really don't think he cares what happens to any of them. I will add that I think this is just the way that X is. He cut off relationships with friends, too. He never asks about my family and when he left me, my mom was in a nursing home. I am feeling emotional today and still feel some pain as I type that.
I will see New Guy tonight and feel fortunate to be around someone who is not like X.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Funny, when I shared with my SIL and BIL and his wife what was going on in my life, they all said that my H has been disconnected from them for years. They felt I was the glue and both famlies said they wanted to keep me in their lives. My MIL and FIL both are deceased.
One of the "reasons" my H gave me in his desire to divorve me was that he really doesn't like my mother. That is clear, he hasn't seen her in 7 years.
Forward, take care of yourself. Darn emotions, they just won't quit coming. Hope you had a nice time with New Guy! Have you looked at the Baggage reclaim site? Her blogs are funny and help me out! They might also help you.
And she is British, so the great things she says crack me up!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Forward, so pleased to see that x is spending time with daughter, this is maybe a baby step or maybe a realease for him from nursing the ow, and at the end topic when other woman dies he is going to be on his own and need a buddy. also the question about did your x like or love your parents, I have to say my ex used to go to my mother with all his problems, for advice, even when his grandma died he sidestepped me and went to my mum for a shoulder to cry on, yet when he walked away from son and I he never contacted my parents or siblings from that day forth, neither does he as you know bother with his only close relation who is an elderly aunt, Its all very bizarre how they cut off ties with anyone that was in their normal world, take care forward, it has been one hell of a long ride xx
