Stuck in Holding Pattern 2

[ben11]

Thanks ajm,

Maybe I'll never know what she truly feels or the amount of blame she really feels she needs to own. I did tell her near the end of our convo not to hold onto the guilt too long. I will forgive her. She didn't say anything back, but I did want her to at least know I wasn't holding her to this for the rest of her life.

As for the GAL, I'm already doing 90% of that list. Now if only my pale Dutch skin could hold a tan...

[Broken74]

Hey ben11,

Keep your chin up and hit'em good! I've been keeping up with your sitch and you're doing great.

I want to thank you guys, bustorama and Gr8 for the Swingers recommendation. I had never watched that movie but did last night. WOW!!! I agree it is should be a requirement for anyone dealing with a WAS, I wish I had seen it 8 months ago I would have done a lot of things differently. I may be watching it weekly until all is said in done in my sitch. Very powerful ending for sure!!! It was also entertaining to see Vince Vaughn so early in his career.

Thanks again and have a great weekend!

[bustorama]

I wish I could skate to save my ass. I love watching hockey, but useless at playing it. I'm guessing you grew up somewhere up north.

Broken74, yeah, Swingers is such a great movie for a WAS situation and for accepting your life ("That's the rub") and reveling in your self worth ("So money"). The first time I watched it I wasn't in a WAS sitch, so totally missed all those aspects of it -- was just laughing at the pick-up/Swinger aspect of it. And checking out Heather Graham.

[heartbrokeinsd]

you are extremely lucky to have a spring league to play in. they took our ice out a month ago. no hochey till end of september now. =( i miss it already. really kept my mind of things

[ben11]

North is right. I'm in the great white north. Southern British Columbia. Had our first game tonight and won 4-0. Coulda won 15-0 but we don't want to get bumped up a division too soon.

Heartbroke, no other sports you can play? I'm joining a bike club soon too. Doing a 120km ride/race in sept and need to train badly. Going for a 50/60km ride tomorrow with a friend to start getting in race shape.

Vegas baby, Vegas!

[ben11]

Well it's been a while since I last updated this thread. I'm doing quite good now that everything is over and I'm out of limbo. It's quite liberating really. No more walking on eggshells, or over-analysing every little thing WAS does or doesn't do. I'm doing things for me, and me alone, and it feels great.

Haven't heard from W since our last meetup. Haven't had any kind of urge to hear from her or contact her.

I'm still GALing my heart out and keeping up with the 180s I've felt I needed to perform. Now I KNOW I was doing those things for me. This has probably been the biggest takeaway from the DB experience for me. I've become more of the person I wanted to be, and am continuously finding ways to better myself. It's really too bad my W didn't feel the same way. I know one day she'll regret it, and it will be too late for her. Our imminent D (can file end of sept) was/is her decision, and I can have peace in that.

Thank you again to everyone that took the time to write to me. No one can emphasize in a situation that they've never experienced, so it was great to bounce ideas off of people that have 'been there done that'.

[Hopingtomakeit]

Ben your story is amazing. i really wish i had you strength man.

[Pjo44]

Yeah, it is a tough conversation. Be as civil and self-positive about it as you can.

Remember, all you are really doing is accepting her actions not to be in an R with you. By you saying, "I am not ok with staying married to someone who treats me and our M this way." or simply "I am not ok with this (anymore)," you are valuing yourself and, presumably, your core boundaries about who you want to be and how you want to be treated by others.

As much as you can, make it about what YOU are ok (or not ok with) in a relationship (general), not about what you wished SHE would have done or not done. And the boundary enforcement can even be almost apologetic, "Ya, I'm sorry, hon, but I'm not ok with this situation anymore. I have decided that it is best for ME to move on."

If she asks why or protests, "Well, I would have preferred to have worked things out with you, but I want to be in a R with someone who wants to be with me and who wants a committed R with me. I just don't feel that from you, and I know there are others out there that would feel that for me. I wish you all the best, W."

She is free to reverse her path over the course of the next few months if she changes her mind. Perhaps you will want her back if she does, perhaps, like Mikey from Swingers, not.

I will add to this with some advice that will ultimately help you feel better about yourself. I have not been able to get here in words, but in my head I am moving towards finding forgiveness for my wife. I am in a similar situation and I think the key for my long term happiness, at least part of it, is to let go of the resentment I feel towards my wife and ask her to forgive me for my contributions to the demise of my marriage. In doing so, I know that I will be at peace with myself and, if delivered with the utmost sincerity, will help your wife find some peace as well. Check out the 5 Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman - extremely helpful to me. If you can elevate to a higher ground, man, the world is your oyster...

[bustorama]

Feels good to take the yoke off and stretch the legs, doesn't it? It's a heavy friggin load to carry a whole R by yourself.

You still thinking of that summer jaunt abroad?

I like southern BC. I've been up to BC a couple times for Whistler and Vancouver. What great places. Drove through Surrey etc. on the way up there. Or are you further inland? I also went skiing in some place near the border further inland that I can't remember the name of. I think it had 2 words in the name.

[ben11]

Ben your story is amazing. i really wish i had you strength man.

You probably do, sometimes it just takes a while to find. I always knew deep down that I'd be 'ok' no matter what happened, but once I bought into that idea, things just got progressively easier.

I will add to this with some advice that will ultimately help you feel better about yourself. I have not been able to get here in words, but in my head I am moving towards finding forgiveness for my wife. I am in a similar situation and I think the key for my long term happiness, at least part of it, is to let go of the resentment I feel towards my wife and ask her to forgive me for my contributions to the demise of my marriage. In doing so, I know that I will be at peace with myself and, if delivered with the utmost sincerity, will help your wife find some peace as well. Check out the 5 Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman - extremely helpful to me. If you can elevate to a higher ground, man, the world is your oyster...

I'll check out this book, thanks. Unless I'm fooling myself and I'm currently not aware, I don't really hold resentment towards W. I hope that doesn't change. I've never badmouthed her to my friends/family, and I really don't intend to. I've learned from this and many other situations that holding guilt/resentment/anger towards someone is just a burden not worth carrying.

Feels good to take the yoke off and stretch the legs, doesn't it? It's a heavy friggin load to carry a whole R by yourself.

You still thinking of that summer jaunt abroad?

I like southern BC. I've been up to BC a couple times for Whistler and Vancouver. What great places. Drove through Surrey etc. on the way up there. Or are you further inland? I also went skiing in some place near the border further inland that I can't remember the name of. I think it had 2 words in the name.

I'm doing that big bike race/ride early September, so I hope to go after that. Europe after that. I graduated from university just recently (9 year bachelor degree FTW) and my parents are gifting me a bit of cash as a congrats, so I plan to do this trip right.

Maybe I'll just stay out in Holland and meet a beautiful dutch girl and never return...

I live right beside the Surrey border in Langley, so a fairly quick drive to most of the things to do in the Lower Mainland here. As for the mountain, there's a ton of mountains with two word names, some of which are Sun Peaks, Big White, Silver Star, etc. I'm not a big boarder anymore since my board got jacked many moons ago.

Went golfing last night, going today, cycling tomorrow and a round of golf after that. The sun is shining and I'm just counting down the minutes till the weekend is here!