Thanks. I have read DR and am getting DB coaching. Also I have been off moderation for a while. My GAL is great, I am tired from all that I do, and I am detaching slowly but surely, both emotionally and mentally.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
That is a post that I give out to new people on the MLC board. I understand that you have been posting here enough to get off of moderation, take the parts that you need and disregard what you don't need. Mach asked me to post it. There is a few weeks worth of homework in there, a matter of fact I just came across a post in the resources that I needed. So it just keeps on giving.
Correct, moving forward sounds better and is closer to what I feel. We were married 18 years ago, not something I am going to throw away without trying everything. I am though going to move to another phase, I just hope she is with me.
Getting inside my W's head right now is tough. She presents a very hard exterior to me, not her way at all. My sense is she is being coached by what I have heard referred to as "the sisterhood of the WAWs", a group of divorced (many multiple times) women who while interested in the drama are not emotionally invested in our situation. No doubt she is conflicted, one of her greatest qualities is trying to always do the right thing, but here she is not sure what is right. My sense is that she wants to act with me as if the D is a foregone conclusion to ensure I don't "get the wrong idea", but that she is far from sure. Early in our MC she said it would be possible to stay together for the kids and the lifestyle, but I don't think she sees it that way any more. Nor do I.
My theory is that she is in MLC, but I will get reading and find out more. The tipping point was a combination of FB and a 30th high school reunion last August, although she would say, and I would agree, things were not great beforehand. But I read so often of that mix being the catalyst for MLC. I do want to learn more about the phases, process, and outcomes.
Your advice about separating the marriage from the protection is very sound. I will make that my next step. If your are in my general area, and this board allows it, do you have any recommendations for a L? And I did not mean to say things would work out fine without a plan, just that I do not fear the future.
I actually ran into my W's best friend earlier on this evening. She gave me a big hug and told me how much she missed me. Nice. Told her she could call me anytime, but I know how that could be difficult.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
Correct, moving forward sounds better and is closer to what I feel. We were married 18 years ago, not something I am going to throw away without trying everything. I am though going to move to another phase, I just hope she is with me.
And if she isn't ?
Originally Posted By: UKVA
Getting inside my W's head right now is tough. She presents a very hard exterior to me, not her way at all. My sense is she is being coached by what I have heard referred to as "the sisterhood of the WAWs", a group of divorced (many multiple times) women who while interested in the drama are not emotionally invested in our situation. No doubt she is conflicted, one of her greatest qualities is trying to always do the right thing, but here she is not sure what is right. My sense is that she wants to act with me as if the D is a foregone conclusion to ensure I don't "get the wrong idea", but that she is far from sure. Early in our MC she said it would be possible to stay together for the kids and the lifestyle, but I don't think she sees it that way any more. Nor do I.
Yea....don't put too much thought into her head for now. What she feels today, will more than likely be different from what she feels tomorrow.
All you can do, is to respect what her choice is, up to this point. And that choice is to leave the marriage. And it will be her choice consistently...until it isn't anymore.
Your role is to remain equally consistent in your actions and changes. ( notice I didn't say anything about telling her about your changes).
Originally Posted By: UKVA
My theory is that she is in MLC, but I will get reading and find out more. The tipping point was a combination of FB and a 30th high school reunion last August, although she would say, and I would agree, things were not great beforehand. But I read so often of that mix being the catalyst for MLC. I do want to learn more about the phases, process, and outcomes.
MLC....whether it is, or isn't....
You still played a role...
What do you think your role was ???
Originally Posted By: UKVA
Your advice about separating the marriage from the protection is very sound. I will make that my next step. If your are in my general area, and this board allows it, do you have any recommendations for a L? And I did not mean to say things would work out fine without a plan, just that I do not fear the future.
From what you say....about 45 min North
A name ? No
What to look for ? I can
I personally think that you should pick 3-4 Lawyers that you like, and then, include the meanest, nastiest Lawyer within 30 miles. Do consults with each of them about your rights and their thoughts.
Pick the one that is willing to work FOR you.
Your Lawyer is your Pit Bull, that attacks at your command. Yet lies in the corner until you say differently.
Not one that barks every time the mailman stops by
Plus with the consult of the meanest one out there...it is kind of like an insurance policy because your spouse can't use them against you.
Think only of your protection, and that of your children when you think Lawyer. Think of being on the defense when you think of them. IF the time ever come for you to attack, then you will also have the correct person.
For now though, a Lawyer is ONLY to know your rights, and to protect yourself.
You don't want to ring any bells that can't be un-rung.
If as I move forward she decides not to be there, so be it. In our last MC I told her I want to save the marriage but I will be fine if it does not work out. Six weeks later I know I will be more than fine.
"All you can do, is to respect what her choice is, up to this point. And that choice is to leave the marriage. And it will be her choice consistently...until it isn't anymore."
Does this mean it will cease to be her choice when it becomes mine? If I decide enough is enough (lord knows plenty of people say that to me!) then I take her control of the situation away? I am staying strong in my changes, they are for me, my kids and the friends I choose to surround myself with.
My role in her MLC? So many things I could have said and done differently. There are many things I am not very proud of. I need to understand more about the workings of the female MLC before I can truly understand when, where and how I contributed. The FB and 30 year reunion, tipping point only. Mostly I took her for granted, and allowed other things in life to occupy the space between us. Well, we both did that really, but I was as guilty as she was.
For the L I already have consulted with one but I am going to ask around some friends who have gone through this. My W says she has retained an attorney, but I don't think she has one on retainer as such, she has just consulted on her rights. I should do the same.
Thanks for your thoughtful responses.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
"All you can do, is to respect what her choice is, up to this point. And that choice is to leave the marriage. And it will be her choice consistently...until it isn't anymore."
Does this mean it will cease to be her choice when it becomes mine? If I decide enough is enough (lord knows plenty of people say that to me!) then I take her control of the situation away? I am staying strong in my changes, they are for me, my kids and the friends I choose to surround myself with.
I think it means that at some point, she could choose not to leave. Staying or leaving is a choice. She chooses to leave until she chooses to stay.
So when I picked up D11 for our trip to Orlando W was there and obviously (& rightly) made a fuss over our D. But what was odd for me was the complete lack of angst or nerves. Could it be that the detaching process is working, maybe even nearing the end? I cannot work out whether to be happy or sad. W noticed I am sure, she had a perplexed look on her face when I just wandered up and said "oh, hello, is she ready?" followed up with a "so, what are you up to today" in a light and airy, slightly disinterested manner. One of her friends (someone I know well too) showed up at that point so the conversation went in another direction, but I felt like I was talking to neighbors. In fact, felt more warmth towards the friend than my W. For the second or third time in the last few months I could not ell but notice how stressed and unwell she looked, but cannot comment. Hopefully her summer off will help recharge her batteries.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
Hi UKVA-wondering where you are and if you are ok?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
