Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

[AJM]

Tad, I can only echo snodderly's post. I have seen it first hand and she is spot on. They run, they erase, but as the old saying goes, "if you bury feelings alive, they come back to haunt." Sad really, since it never had to be that way. But it is, so let it be.

Mine did the exact same things yours is doing. Almost like they are in tandem. [bold]But it doesn't stop Tad until you stop it[/bold]. As late as this weekend my ex is trying to pick a fight with me. Why? Haven't a clue and didn't ask. In fact, I kept the comm to an absolute minimum.

Know what? I felt better because I did keep it to a minimum.
Know what else? I had a great weekend and that became but a moment of my time.

As a suggestion, try to limit the amount of headspace time she gets to as few days as possible a week as a start. Be dilligent. During that time, refuse to deal with her in any way and in your head. Then let it out during those prescribed times only. When that's done, put it away again.


AJ

[AJM]

P.S. Now that the coffee is kicking in, I do realize that you are venting to a group that understands what you are going through and what you see and much of what you feel

Peace!

AJ

[dl443322]

Tad, I know it is difficult to get your mind around, but, this really isnt about you, or the life you had or your sons.

It is about someone who it broken. She HAS to do this. She is trying everything to fix the feelings she has. Got rid of the person closest to her, still not happy. Try to erase the past, still not happy. Marrying someone else, still wont be happy. That is because the unhappiness is within her.

Until and unless she looks inside, she will continue to try to find happiness.

I dont care what it seems like to you, she is not happy. How can you be if you have done what she has?

But it really and truly doesnt matter if she is or she isnt, Tad. There is nothing you can do about it. There is nothing you can change. This is all on her.

You keep trying to understand something that is impossible to understand completely unless you have gone through it.

Leave her to her life. She can try to erase the past all day long, but, it happened.

You know the truth. You have the memories.

Let it go, Tad. Set yourself free. Leave her to walk this path.

You walk yours.

Keep the memories safely tucked away. Look forward in your life and make new memories.

You have the power, Tad. Only you.

Do it.

[AntoniaB]

Tad I have to agree with all these insights above. In every post you write, you say you think you are doing better, but then immediately vent about something else she did or ask if she's really unhappy, and that sets you off on wondering again if you were really as bad as she says, and it sets you on this loop that is really tied to the past and you can't seem to escape it.

Someone here said to me once that it's like we're on a highway and can't find the off ramp. Or if we see the off ramp, we are too scared to get on it and go a new direction.

There is a certain level of comfort, strangely enough, in continuing to be the victim of someone else's insanity and/or abuse. It's what you know best right now. You almost don't have to make decisions about your life because you already know the pattern. She does something terrible, you react, you vent, you get mired in it some more. It's not FUN by any stretch, but it's what you know.

Getting on that off ramp and getting out of that loop is very hard to do because you have no clue what will happen. If you just stop trying to figure her out, you know, what are you going to do with all that head space? Will it be awful? Will it be nice? Who knows?

Eventually you will fill that head space with other things. Thoughts about what you can do to make your life better, whether it's trying new things, meeting new friends, taking a career or hobby in a new direction. You know, GALing. But at first, yeah, it's tough. It's like in saying "I'm not going to focus on her anymore AT ALL" you are willingly jumping off this cliff, because the act of not paying attention to her is scary and unfamiliar.

I guess I just want to encourage you to face that fear. It's SCARY to stop being a victim if it's what you know and what you learned from being in a co-dependent relationship. But every person here who has given you brilliant advice has done this and they didn't just live to tell the tale, they are living IMMENSELY better lives and are in a place where their exes can't hurt them in the same way anymore. You notice how so many of us giving you advice don't vent much about our exes anymore. That's because our lives no longer revolve around them or their actions.

I'm telling you, Tad, it's a HUGE burden gone off my back and I bet a lot of posters would agree. You have to lift this burden off your back by emotionally divorcing YOURSELF from her. Only you can do it. You have to reverse your thought pattern and be the hero in your own story and not the victim.

[seeking answers]

Tad,

My question is: Why do you continue to let your Ex have the power to keep dragging you in? What are you getting out of this that you keep letting it happen?

Do you think truly happy people keep hammering at their exes especially after they've have gotten what they professed they wanted?

The way she is acing is no longer your problem. Take your power back, Tad. What she is doing at this point is acting out on her misery. Let her go.

[25yearsmlc]

you've gotten great insights.

I see NO value in wondering whether SHE is happy or miserable or is confused or if SHE is mad at you

or if SHE thinks you are a purple lesbian dragon...

She's not in your life now. Move on Tad. Her motives are of no consequence.

Just make it all about you and your boys.

You are more blessed than many.

but I've told you that before too, and nothing seems to help you.

So yes, take the exit ramp, get off the loop

or ask yourself, what it is that you get out of staying on the loop.

I'm thinking it's just familiarity and fear of the unknown.

If you keep up your obsessing about your w, no matter how she treats you,

then you can still avoid taking responsibility for YOUR LIFE.

You can still blame HER or make her responsible for how you feel, which is

ironically, a lot like what she seems to do to you.

SHe blames you for all the problems and you seem to blame her for how you feel NOW, and on a daily basis. It's all about what SHE has said/done or "seemed to be like" and that deternines how YOU feel.

At some point you will have to be in charge of your life and happiness and she cannot be a factor in that.

isn't it time? IF not now, then when?

[tadpole1025]

I'm trying guys and gals. I really am. I've had a few decent days lately. I spent yesterday with S19 and his GF at the waterpark. Now, I have one hell of a sunburn!

Something that I predicted actually came true as far as EX is concerned. Last night, S19's GF posted on S17's FB page:

"I love you. I had the best day with you and your dad!"

I thought to myself: "Well, if X sees that, it'll piss her off."

Sure enough, S19 said to me today: "Mom is giving me all kinds of sh!t on FB. She won't leave me alone. She keeps telling me how selfish and childish I am for not accepting her marriage. I don't accept it and I won't especially after everything she has pulled in the last two years."

I told him it is his right to feel the way he does and I am not getting in the middle of it. The thing that gets me though is the fact that she put all this stuff on his page for the whole world to see....

I have decided to join a gym with S17 and S19. This should be fun.

Tad (Lobster Boy)

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Tad,

suggest to him that you don't need the public recognition if it is going to cause him problems...AND let him know he can remove comments or hide posts on his FB page.

[AntoniaB]

Ok let's use your last post to illustrate a point.

You say you are trying. So you give a few lines about an activity you took part in. Good.

And then, do you see it? Right back to trying to be "right" about the situation. You made a prediction about something she'd do, and then it came true. Then the rest of your post except the last line is all about her. Again.

It makes no difference at all to your life if you can predict her insanity or not. None. Because at the end of the day, she's still messing with your head, and you're letting her. It offers you no control over anything if you imagine a scenario and then she plays it out.

The only control you can have in this situation is to control your urge to spend so much time thinking about her and her actions. It comes across like you are a glutton for punishment. YES she is punishing you, but you are letting her do it. What's that line, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent? So stop giving your consent.

I think any time you write a post, you should go back before you hit reply and read it several times to see if there is anything about her in there. If there is, get rid of it, and make the post be about you. What you're doing, how the gym you joined is working out, your job, etc.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I agree with Antonia. I also see an improvement in you as well.