From a different angle - although it may be gratifying to have the boys "side" with you, it's not usually in their long-term interests to be estranged from either parent. My ex-husband grew up in a family where his mom was a WAW when he was a teen - the boys all sided with their (devastated) dad, and ended up cutting off contact with their mom. I encouraged my ex to reconnect with her when we were in our 20's, one brother finally reconnected in his 40's, the third, to the best of my knowledge, still estranged in his 50's. The legacy is long and difficult and worse usually than just having some polite, minimal contact.
Now - your boys are entitled to express their disapproval, don't get me wrong. But you should do your best to encourage them to have SOME contact.
Also, be aware of the body of law around "parental alienation". Some women have lost custody of their children because the WAH has accused them of "parental alienation", when really, the WAS was the one causing anybody to be alienated. Still, you want to be VERY careful to stay on the right side of the law here. Keep records of EVERYTHING, copies of all texts and phone messages, take the kids to a counselor - whatever you need to do.
I agree some what but really how can a parent who has walked away from his/her family stand up in court and claim parental alienation.
Plus GM son's are teenagers so their voice should be taken into count on their visiting their father.
I read on another board where the father left and his teenagers didn't want to visit on the weekends because they wanted to hang with their friends and girlfriend,
Her wasband tried the p.a. in the courts and it was thrown out due to the age of the kids and the fact that he left his family voluntarily .
Depends on your jurisdiction and your judge, I'm betting. I knew a woman whose husband was abusive, cheating. She finally left with the two kids (teen and 12). Stayed in the same town, tried to make the kids go to their visitation with their dad, but he was so awful and inappropriate, they didn't want to go.
He went the parental alienation route and got 50:50 custody and she lost child support.
Just saying - be really careful. Better not to be put in that position in the first place.
My H wouldn't have a leg to stand on going the PA route. Until a month ago I was supportive of the boys seeing him even though it was very difficult for me. Once he amped up the spewing and verbal abuse toward me I cut him off from contacting me. Now he has to sink or swim with the boys. I am no longer enabling their relationship. He abandoned us, which includes the kids even though he disagrees. We were emotionally shattered while he moved to another city and jumped on sleezy dating sites. Nothing he has done has shown the kids that they are a priority in his life. It's all about him. If he pushes contact with them they will become even more resentful. If he wants a relationship with them then he will have to come to terms with the pain he has caused. He will have to hear how they feel about his actions without defending himself. They don't care that he left to find happiness. He blew up their childhood. They can't get the time back that they should have been happy. Instead they have been in horrible pain. I seriously could care less whether the boys ever see him. It's not my job to be the bigger person and lie to my kids about their father for the sake of co-parenting. That's enabling and I'm done with that. He has to fly on his own. He alone will have to live with what he caused. If the boys grow up without a father that will be all on him. I won't talk against him, but I'm certainly not going to solve this problem.
Snodderly, regarding talking to my H regarding counseling, I wouldn't dream of it. I don't want to have contact with him regarding anything. His last round of verbal abuse was it for me.
GM, I get the emotions tied to his actions. I get the protectiveness. Been there.
But something to consider over time: while you may not help your H with the relationship with the boys, you certainly shouldn't hinder it either. Honestly, you have to be careful to not let the boys feel sold out by their mom, so doing too much is not a good idea either. But thinking about the boys long term, it might be a good idea to consider your words carefully and encourage a relationship, even in small ways, where appropriate. For their sake and their sake alone.
They know what he did. Likely even more than you do if I were to guess. I'm not suggesting you get in the middle, but rather that you consider their lives without their dad, 10, 20, 30 years down the road. If you can keep them from that pain without causing them to distrust you, then it's worth doing. Really.
Something to consider.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I think what the boys really need are time. I have to say that when encouraging the kids towards their walk away parent you must do very carefully! If you talk too much, they get annoyed and don't even want to discuss it. If you keep it short and sweet, its a seed planted and it grows with the proper nurturing.
It sounds to me as if GM is choosing to be neutral. This is ok. I agree to hold on to whatever paper trail or evidence of behaviors her husband may have incase this were to get really nasty. But to blow smoke on to her very own son's just for co parenting sake for her H is not a good idea.
I've been down this road with my girls. They needed their space to process it all and come to terms with their feelings and how to handle them. It took 3 months for them to come around after they were at the point GM's boys are at.
I talked with them, I listened to their feelings and we discussed how they felt. I told them it was their choice, and also encouraged them to speak to their father about things. I've found its best not to get involved or in the middle unless it's seriously warranted.
Children and their relationship with the WAS is certainly an emotionally charged issue. It's something that we all need to handle carefully. I certainly don't have all of the answers. I'm just doing the best that I can. While I understand that in many cases a good relationship can happen, unfortunately it's not possible between the boys and my H right now. He's way too selfish and delusional. My kids are being cheated, but there isn't anything I can do about that. I can't make my H be a good parent.
On a separate note, my H just renewed his driver's license and didn't change his address. Now was the perfect time to do that since he was being issued a new one. So I received that along with the rest of his mail. I really don't understand.
Total denial as to what they are doing to their family.
Have you ever had a close family member that had a drinking problem, they lose their job and crash their car but it wasnt because of alcohol it was because of their jerky boss and some other bad driver.
Complete denial
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
