[quote=25yearsmlc] this^^ sums it up well. But know that once some time has passed and she's not HAPPY, she is cognitively smart and aware enough to notice it. She may not tell YOU that she's still miserable OR
she may even blame the lessened time with son as the cause - but even then, at some level, she seems like the type who would eventually look in the mirror and own some of this. MAYBE NOT TELL YOU, but still, she's no idiot and her pride does not appear to be SO HIGH that she'd never face the truth...
Glad to read your perspective on this, 25, because it seems like the best hope in my case too...
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
Crimson, re custody...what happened in court? I want to re-cap what I do know and ask if it's accurate.
Your wife filed for the divorce
she based her filing, at least in part, on some big mistakes you made in the marriage in the PAST,
and she agrees you have changed for the better since this happened...
the court ruled...
THEN SHE wanted to modify the court ordered custody (temporarily for a trip) so SHE could have son more than the court awarded.
When she asked you (as she's LEGALLY required to do, thanks to her filing)
you said "no" or you didn't answer.
Then she accused YOU of manipulation or punitive measures or conditional efforts?
IF SO
you need to calmly express to her how the shoe could so easily be on the other foot
or the "pot is calling the kettle black", or however you need to say it.
Without anger, but you are pointing out the "oversight" on her end...
and that YOU too have hurt feelings and YOU too feel manipulated or mislead, or used. Your position about that is at least as clear as hers. IF and only IF you can point this out to her, without any anger showing, then it's valuable for her to finally see things from your perspective.
It's not just about whether YOU GET IT, and if she believes in you.
It's also about whether SHE gets how YOU feel.
if you show anger or look punitive, you'll be backsliding in a huge way - so beware of the anger/pride, okay?
But stand your ground.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Correct. Wife is the petitioner. She filed due to several things she brought to my attention all at once that were contributing to her unhappiness and tied directly to me.
She has mentioned that she noticed changes in me - but has not said so again for quite some time. Just by vitrue of the fact that I never have my phone with me when we are together should be a big one.
The settlement agreement had "out of town" terms in it. It was agreed upon by both sides. She asked me for an excess (double) of the maximum.
I said that if we are working on our R, even AFTER a D - then I am fine having that much flexibility in the name of healing or relationship.
She then accused me of conditional efforts and DID, in fact. say "I find it incredibly manipulative that you would adjust his time away based on what you want and not what's best for him". I didn't respond - but wanted to ask her if she thought 20 days away from his father was "best for him". Sounded like it was best for her to me.
The issue has been dead for awhile now - just don't know if I want to breath life back into it if she doesn't bring it up.
Seems like whenever I bring up how I feel about things it bounces right off of her and has no impact whatsoever. Or worse yet, spawns a potential argument. I don't think she is interested in my feelings much right now.
I have been great (IMHO) in containing and not showing anger thus far. Even when I am getting chewed out I stay calm and do not react. I checked out for a few days after her "nasty-gram" just because I really didn't know what to say and I didn't want to start a fight. I needed to cool off. And, to be honest, part of me wanted her to see what "no contact" was like and to realize that I deserve enough respect not to talked to like that. Right or wrong? I don't know.
Regarding the whole court thing again, 25, she did see the tears in my eyes I am sure. Not sure if it really mattered to her. At this stage (and on that day) she believes that all I care about is the $$$ - which I have never mentioned. So she probably thought the tears were about that - not the sadness. I told my L I can make more money eventually, but I can never make up the time I lose with my son.
As far a dating goes - I am really worried that if I DO chose to go that route that the NEGATIVE of the two scenarios you painted will play out. Meaning that she will use it as a proof point that I never really was committed to reconciling. In a sense, I want to tell her that I didn't WALK away from her - she pushed me away. I have made it very clear that I want to work on things. Not sure if you saw the post from a few weeks ago - but at dinner she said that I "set the bar really high in terms of men" and "that there are not a lot of guys out there like you". I looked at her and said "I am sitting right here!". To which she responded - "yes, but we have major problems". Problems? Yes. IMHO Major? No. But I have learned the hard way not to minimize her feelings on any particular issue.
She got an iPhone the other day and had been texting me for help with it a little bit. Ironic that smart phones were one of her gripes with me. I kinda miss that "being useful" feeling - ya know? She said she signed up for a class at the Apple Store. Glad she did, but oddly bummed that I won't be helping.
At two, s is starting to really develop his personality and is getting a little bossy - but that is to be expected. I try to keep I'm busy. We swam in the pool this weekend and did chalk art on the concrete on the back patio. We have started a little tradition where we go to a local outdoor mall and split a "like it" sized ice cream from Coldstone and watch kids play in the little splash pad fountain. I almost always leave my phone in the car so I won't be pulled away from him. I enjoy these good times with him - a lot. But I am often slightly melancholy when it hits me that W is not there with us to watch and enjoy. That's when the weight of being a "single dad" to a toddler hits me. I miss the family life more and more every day sometimes.
Anyhoooo - I am trying to remain constant in my actions and changes, but firm when I have to be. The week leading up to and after the settlement hearing was a real challenge. I think she was so pissed at me she just threw her hands up. Maybe it's temporary, maybe not - but I am still trying to the extent that I can and still maintain respect for myself.
W called this morning - I picked it up and heard S babbling into the phone to me. She said that he wanted to talk to me and had been mentioning me this morning. Even though he got shy on the phone, it was good to hear him. W sounded cheerful as well - probably recovering from her illness over the weekend to some degree.
I am trying to take the advice of people here and not be petty and fall back into old habits - silent treament, etc. - I can see how that would work against me. At the same time, I am trying to set and enforce proper boundaries - diffiuclt to do when someone doesn't trust you or your motives.
LostIn407 - I am living the exact point you made. I know that if I were to start casually dating someone I would drop them without thinking if my wife decided to work on things. That's the issue I am having (well, one of them anyway) - it is cruel to play "free and easy" with the heart of another - don't know if I would feel very good about myself if I did that. In fact, I know I would feel terrible. Again - maybe that is a sign that I am not ready to be out there yet. Still - I do feel a building swell of lonliness from time to time.
Crim, I did the same thing when I started thinking about dating. I did go out and although had a good time, I would have ran out on them if I got the call. And yes it would have been wrong to play with anothers heart. So many times I have had talks with women that want to know up front what would happen if you ex called to R. They did not like the answer. So I stopped dating altogether, until I felt the time was right. If and when it happens it will feel right, trust me on this, I have been following since the beginning, one thing you can do is hold your head up high and say to yourself that you did everything to make YOU a better man. Sorry I did not mean to hijack.
It is important that we uphold ourselves to our standards and not adjust them based on our partner's actions.
Reasons why I am not dating, because it wouldn't be fair to the other person. I would just be using them, which is something I do not do or condone.
Recently, the W asked me for money because she was going to be short this month with rent. I had recently told her our finances were split, separate bank accounts. If she wanted to have the OM stay over at her apartment and be around our Ds, then she was on her own. I did tell her I would "assist" her this month but no more.
I was ready to unload on her when we talked regarding the money. My reply to her initial text asking how much I was going to give her was to call me later in the evening or the next day before I had to leave for work.
I called my best friend for advice on what to say. I was on the verge of saying I would be here for her and if she left the OM, I would help her completely. My buddy told me I was an idiot and to shut up. Calmly tell her you would help this month and no more. She is responsible for her decision and she knows what the right answer is.
Not satisfied, I called the friend of the W who is helping me. As a female, I expected a different response, but she told me the same thing. Don't give her more than you agreed. Shut up. She knows the consequences of her actions. I wanted to tell my W what a bad person the OM was and how she needed to prioritize her spending.
Then the friend said something that got me. "Do not say anything that you will regret. When this is over, have no regrets about your actions. Know that you always acted as a gentleman and didn't take any cheap shots."
The call never came. I received an apology text from her as I was walking into work about not calling. (She has been saying thank you and apologizing a lot lately).
When the money talk finally happened, it was quite easy. She accepted the terms. I was making an issue out of nothing.
Sorry, I get long winded and like to type. In the end, I am basically saying: Stay true to who you are
Do not do anything you know in your heart is wrong (dating without being fair to your date, insulting your spouse for their bad decisions)
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
There are other people out there looking for companionship or an evening out that isn't solo. If you made it absolutely clear that's all you were looking for and that you were still hoping for a R with your W, would you be able to have some enjoyable times no strings attached?
I think it's all about setting expectations right up front.
For me, I wouldn't consider dating until I was really ready to move on and start something with someone new, because I don't know that I'd be able to control how I felt about the new person.
I also don't think it would be fair for you to date to meet and get to know new people if you allow them to think there's a potential future with you, until you think so too.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yah, Ad. The more I think about it the more I think it is a bad idea at the moment. I could sure use the distraction, though - but it is fundamentally selfish to use another person in that capacity if expectations are not set up front. And let's be realistic - in my dempographic there are SOME women that just want to go out casually, but most that I know are looking for something more "material" and I don't know if I can offer that right now.
Crimson, I'd recommend not dating at this point. I'm officially moving on from my W as of a few weeks ago. Even though I'm actively 'on the prowl' and have already had some kind of success, it can sometimes have the reverse effect that I thought. When the girl doesn't pan out, or doesn't measure up, it can make you feel even worse. You don't seem ready to move on at all, and until you are, I'd stay put for now. No use stringing another woman along if you are prepared to ditch her quickly for your W if she has any second thoughts.
M:28 | W:28 | T:4.5 | M:2.5 | No Children EA1 Uncovered: Jun 2011 EA2 Uncovered: 2011-09-29 S: 2011-09-29 I'm moving on: 2012-05-08 My story: http://bit.ly/K3ttPM
