So much to say, So little room

[BeingMe]

Just to add ....

Before you can be 'found' or you 'find' someone else to be yourself with, you have to deal with the issues related to the R with your MLC wife. If you hide from it, or try not to think about it ... down the road, it'll come back and bite you in the proverbial a$$. Finish this R before starting another. It's clear that you still have deep feelings for your W ... you have to get over them. You start by detaching. Very hard to do, but one way to do so, you'll find out, is to be so sick and tired of worrying about the R, and what's she's doing, where she is, blah blah blah, that it tends to come naturally. It did for me.

Patience is key. Lots of it.

[RoofTop]

Fine points all around.

I'm still pretty unclear because I'm not attracted to her. I look at her and I no longer see the person of strength that I'd known for years. I see someone that has no business looking at me with such contempt - when she looks at me. I don't have any feelings of wanting for my W. I do not think of where she is, where she goes, or who she may or may not be with. I can't get past the choice she made and what it's doing to our kids.

I can't stop believing that I'm worth fighting for and IF there was ever any chance of reconciling, I know it will take two people to make it happen, but right now I'm not interested in doing anything except stand back and see how she fights for ME. Again with the pipe dream though.....

That's part of what makes me so confused. I'm not longing for something I can't have and don't have with my W. I just can't stop looking years beyond after the dust has settled. That's what I want to stop longing for - the future that may never be.

I would also like to note that when I say I want to meet someone, I'm referring to people in general. A new circle of a select few that are just good friends, male or female. I've learned to see life so differently during my W's MLC and I want to share that with other people. Not sure how just yet since I've been out of the social loop, but I'll get there. Things do tend to fall into place when I just let them.....

Okay, now with that out of the way......

Today was the day I'd had enough. The kids didn't want to have to wake up at 5:30AM so that their mom could drop them off at the house with me. I'm unable to meet half way tomorrow so she wanted to meet tonight so I could get the kids. She asked me over the phone about coming over to move furniture into the garage so that she could get done faster this weekend before I got back into town. She asked if I would help her tomorrow evening with that. I told her I would help, but I knew I needed to be honest with her.

When we met to trade the kids, while they sat in the car for a few minutes I told my wife that I know I've been distant, that it's due to several things going on right now ( cancer, school, work, divorce ) and it's throwing me off my equilibrium. I didn't get into specifics about it with what these things are that's pulling me everywhere since it's not about me and I get that.

I told her that I know she wants to be friends, but right now I needed to get back to center. I told her that I did not agree with the decision she made, but I'm not her enemy and I don't hate her. I just can't do the friend thing right now.

Her response, and why I'm not very attracted to her these days, (she takes me for an idiot) was along the lines of how she knew how I felt. It's how she's felt these past few years. She's trying hard to be friends because of the kids, in hopes that it will ease their stress with the situation. She spoke to me as though I should finally see how she's felt all this time (whatever). She said she's talked to me more in the past two weeks than she had in a long time ( and who's fault is that my Dear? ).

I kept my opinions to myself and watched and listened as she justified what she could. What really set me off (internally) is that she asked me if I would not change the code on the garage door yet as she will be unable to get everything moved out that she intends to take with her in the 2.5 days I've given her since I'll be out of town and she can take whatever she wants. I did not agree, but I told her we will revisit that later and would not change the code without telling her first.

It doesn't matter that she said she'd be respectful and call in advance. That's B.S.. Once she serves me papers, that's where I draw the line for sure. At the latest I'll wait until the kids start school back up in August. After that it will have been long enough. I'm so sick of this.

That's where I think my W dictates how I feel. I feel like I can't have 'me' back until I control/change my surroundings. Fine then. For now I will continue to be cautious and live a bare bones existence. My life is mine and I don't want to share any of it with her until I've given it to me first. If there's no "us" then I want first dibs on me.
<RANT>

[RoofTop]

My frustration is mounting, but if I'm to be something other than what my W is expecting then I need to keep it under wraps. It's surreal to be reading books and forum threads and to see/know what my W will do next. The problem is that it still stings.

Her reality is setting in - sort of. She needs several hundred dollars for the utility company. She doesn't have it and without it I know my kids will suffer. So I'm back to maxing out my last credit card......again. And now my car wants to start having trouble. Funny how things work out.

I'm a bit bent out of shape over the fact that she's going out of town this weekend. There's no such thing as a free trip, you still have to buy something, maybe even pay for gas to get from point a to point b. I'm getting a spit at when she tells me she's had to borrow money from friends in order to move out and and that she's not trying to take me to the cleaners. I feel like she thinks I'm sitting on a huge pile of money.

I don't raise my voice or yell or even argue. I'm not going to be what I once was and I want no regrets about my actions. She expects a certain reaction from me and I will not give it to her. She snaps at me when things aren't going according to her plan of an awesome future. Last weekend, on the way home she called me about picking up S12 and I told her I needed to go to the cell phone store. She jumped all over me, told me that we'll schedule a sit down w/ the lawyer and iron out the bills this week and we'd be done with it and that she was just trying to do me a favor by not doing this or that. I simply told her it was the end of the month and that I was wanting to look into removing my name from the cell phone plan before the next billing cycle.

Needless to say, I've lost all interest in doing anything anymore. I'm in no hurry to get lawyers involved since I'll have to gouge out my retirement savings to get the process going. As it stands, I'm having to make a withdraw just to get my car fixed.

She's fudging insane. If it's not going easy or according to her plan, I get lashed out at. She's trying to keep as much away from the kids so that there's not as much stress on them. Problem with that is that she's driving a wedge between them. S6 is easy going and very attached to his mom and S12 is a hot/cold personality and is attached to me. I'm seeing my W talk to him and I could swear that she's talking to me, as if she's projecting onto S12 what it is she's always wanted to say to me. I'm so angry about what she's doing to the kids. Not having money [censored] and not being able to pay for my kids to do the things that give them an outlet hurts, but watching our lives from the back row is torture.

S12 isn't old enough for me to explain MLC so I don't even talk about it. He rants about how he doesn't care what she does anymore and that there's no way he's staying with her. I only sit and listen. Occasionally I'll reinforce that his mother loves him and only wants the best for him, but I keep quiet and listen. I'm always trying to watch what I say because I know S12 will follow my lead and I don't want him to feel anything but love for his mother.

Anywho.... I got back into town the other day after being gone all weekend. I knew my W was packing and moving while i was gone, but wow, for someone who said she wasn't trying to take me to the cleaners, she took pretty much everything. S12 and I were together when we walked into the house for the first time. He was pissed, but all I did was laugh as I walked through each room - what was left of them. She hated our bed and told me she didn't want it when I offered it to her, but it seems she took it anyway. S12 was beside himself, but I insisted that she did me a favor since I didn't want it anyway. I don't like that I had to finance a new bed, but I hope I can get it paid off before I'm incapable of making payments elsewhere.

I still smile when I come home each day. The kids and I have been sitting on the floor since there's not much else, but I can see they're noticing my change in attitude. I can see that they notice the little things now more than they ever had since they were always just used to their surroundings. I took tomorrow off from work and we're heading out of town for a 1 day road trip together to go get my bedroom furniture and a dining room table w/ chairs. It's exciting for me.

With all that said, I know I need to keep the eye on the prize -> me. More than ever, I need to be doing all these things for me and not my W. Doing it for her will keep me frustrated, but doing them for me will set me free. I hope that some of that can be absorbed by my kids in a positive light, because I really do want to be different than the person I was. I don't want to go back to being frustrated with myself for not living up to my own expectations - something my W knows me all to well for.

I also know that i must be very careful with everything I do or say around my kids. I do not want to project a feeling of "good riddance" towards their mother. She does love them, even if she's lost her way. Seems like she's in ME mode, but trying to make the kids happy and herself at the same time is too much. So the question now is, if I'm the bad guy in all this, who's the lucky fella she's going to fall head over heels for because he takes pressure off of her?

I assure you it will not be the EA guy. The tension between S12 and his friends dad is mounting and S12 isn't keeping it a secret from his mother. She's jumping from one lake of stress into another with every step. Somewhere along the lines she's going to need to stop and deal with it all. Question is, where will I be when she finally grows up?

[RoofTop]

I should probably add that when I'm questioning who the next guy will be for my W, I'm saying that with a sense of humor. I'm not sitting here with a "Poor Me" face. I'm allowed to have some fun aren't I?

[dl443322]

R, yep, gotta have a sense of humor through all this. Helps get you through.

First, sorry that your children have to watch all this. That is what makes me sad and angry more than anything else about all this.

As your w is in crisis, she is self medicating. Something is wrong inside her, so it must be because of the person closest to her.

Not until she looks inside will she begin to be able to see that it is her.

She needs to walk this path. Your job is to let her.

As for your children, the best thing you can do for them is to make sure that you do nothing to cause harm to their relationship with their mother. It is hers to forge with them.

Remember always that they are very intuitive. They know way more than we think. They are always watching.

Your job is to show them how to navigate through life's problems with courage and strength. What a gift you have been given.

I know all too well that the financial part of this suckks.

Hang in there. You are doing great.

[TSquared2]

Its okay, it can be healing...one of my detachment exercises when I thought I was done was to envision next OM and saying something like, "Well, thanks, and GOOD LUCK! (with big smile)". Since we know our WAS so well, we know the "good" the OP might get (ouch), but we also know the "bad".

Regarding S12 and telling about MLC...idk if he is not old enough, I told our youngest (10yo) in age appropriate terms and left out a lot of things (like the replay affairs and such). You can explain it without disparaging W, and he got it.

T^2

[RoofTop]

I should probably mention that due to S12 having trouble explaining how he feels much of the time, he uses others feelings. Case in point, from earlier in this thread, instead of telling his mom that he didn't want to have breakfast as a family for Fathers Day because it wouldn't help matters, he told his mom that it would make me angry.

I love S12 with all my heart, but I fear that he would say something to his mother in regards to MLC or even to her family. That would set my W through the roof. She isn't going through MLC, just ask her. Heck, just tell an alcoholic they have a problem, they'd probably tell you they don't have a problem.

I don't trust S12 to be in charge of his own feelings. Like me, he doesn't want to rock the boat. He'd just assume never talk to someone vs. giving them the chance to not like him. We're not total closet people, we just take a few conversations to warm up to people and then we are no different than anyone else. So he's more likely to use what I say as truth than trust people enough to speak his own heart - something I've struggled with my whole life.

I talked to him a few months back and explained some of the ways I helped facilitate the distance between his mother and I. I also explained what it was I was doing to become a better father and husband and why I was doing those things. That I liked not getting frustrated all the time and being more in touch with how and why I feel the way I do. But he's not there and it will be a long time before he gets there.

I have talked to him about how sometimes people start to question their lives and the choices they've made, but that it doesn't mean that his mother doesn't love him greatly. It's just difficult to explain how I talk about our new lifestyle as a challenging adventure and my W is talking about how he should behave when we're seeing other people.

S12 is white hot angry with his mother. Her response to every disagreement that I've personally witnessed or he's replayed for me, involves his mother getting angry with him and popping off about "never being able to please him" or "she can never make him happy" - before she storms off.

See what I mean about how I think she's projecting her feelings about me onto S12?

It's because of this and learning about MLC that I feel as though there is a future for us, most likely years from now, but a future none the less. I still want to detach, I still want to prove that I can be confident and content with my life - for my own sake. There can be no future as a family if I can't fully become more than just thoughts and words. It's definitely harder to be that safety net she can come to talk too without being judged when she's aggrivating me, but that is "one" of my goals. To learn to listen and not judge or try to fix. I'm not closing the book on "us" so much as changing course.

She says she knows she's hurt me (even started to tear up) and she never wanted that to happen. Maybe it's because of the way I've reacted for the most part over the past few months or year in that I haven't given her much reason to hate me. The woman I married is still in there and I have a feeling that that's what's making it so hard to detach, or at least figure out how to detach for more than a few days at a time. I know she'll never be the same and I know I don't want her to be, but I must become a much stronger someone she/anyone can lean on.

[TSquared2]

Her response to every disagreement that I've personally witnessed or he's replayed for me, involves his mother getting angry with him and popping off about "never being able to please him" or "she can never make him happy" - before she storms off.

My W did the same, especially after I gave her no reason to be mad at me, and her anger wasn't affecting me anymore, so she re-directed to somewhere else...WATCH THIS CAREFULLY! They have to direct that anger/rage somewhere, until they get it all out...I had to remove youngest from the house for a couple hours once, that episode is in my thread.

I see good goals, good clarity in you.

[TSquared2]

for someone who said she wasn't trying to take me to the cleaners, she took pretty much everything.

As self protection, should things not work out and D and custody battle happens, I suggest taking pictures of each room before you get new stuff (and have the camera date-stamp the pics) to show that she was "well provided for" when she moved out. Then print them and store somewhere safe and also upload to a safe place somewhere (like a gmail account that is just yours and you KNOW she doesn't have password). Make this sort of mindset your SOP right now...just in case...you can't trust her right now. Check the divorce laws in your state, some states are fairly balanced and fair, others, not so much...Protect yourself and your kids.


T^2

[AJM]

and I want no regrets about my actions. She expects a certain reaction from me and I will not give it to her.

Hang on to that!! You will not regret that approach later, I assure you. I did the same thing, and I am SOOOOOOO grateful for doing that.

She snaps at me when things aren't going according to her plan of an awesome future.

Still a little angry? Of course she does. One of the hallmarks of divorce is anger and selfishness. Ask any divorce attorney. In this case, your W is trying to make things look like you're friends and likely feels like you aren't playing along. Go figure. When the reality sets in that you won't be likely be friends, you'll likely see the caged animal and more of the anger. Be clear of the site when it happens is my advice. I didn't listen to that advice at first. Still have the faded scars...

I talked to him a few months back and explained some of the ways I helped facilitate the distance between his mother and I. I also explained what it was I was doing to become a better father and husband and why I was doing those things. That I liked not getting frustrated all the time and being more in touch with how and why I feel the way I do. But he's not there and it will be a long time before he gets there.

They listen. They watch. They absorb. Be careful how much you share even though it's his family as well. He's a kid and his life was just destroyed and torn apart and burned to the ground. A kid looks for two things for stability 1) his parents and 2) his home. He expects his parents to be together and his home safe and warm. You can give him some of that, but half his stability and safety was torn apart. Be mindful of that, right? I don't think I'm telling you something you don't know, but rather reiterating it.

S12 is white hot angry with his mother. Her response to every disagreement that I've personally witnessed or he's replayed for me, involves his mother getting angry with him and popping off about "never being able to please him" or "she can never make him happy" - before she storms off.

See what I mean about how I think she's projecting her feelings about me onto S12?

Perhaps. Perhaps it's just that she only has one tool in the box to deal with things. Either way, that's not good for him at this time. You'll have to be watchful and careful how you approach that in my opinion.

It's definitely harder to be that safety net she can come to talk too without being judged when she's aggrivating me, but that is "one" of my goals. To learn to listen and not judge or try to fix. I'm not closing the book on "us" so much as changing course.

Seems this could be construed as an expectation. But I admire your goal and hope that you live up to it.

What I've read of your posts, you are angry/frustrated. I think you have a lot of right to be. But I think you also have a great head on your shoulder. Your W is really missing out on someone great. Not many people can think like you are.

Understand that your W may never wake up and "get it". She's in the mode that she's hurt and it's your fault. Maybe yes, maybe no. She knows she hurt you but keeps doing it. Hmm.... Could be a while before, if, she gets that the grass isn't greener elsewhere...

When mine left on that mother's day, she didn't take much. The second time she took a lot. The kids and I had fun with it. We ate on the floor that night because she took the kitchen table. As a friend of mine who went through much worse told me, you may go bankrupt, you may lose it all. But keep your humor and keep your head up and always, always do the right thing. You'll be glad you did

As for the car and the rest? Those things will pass. They are just things that happen and will happen. But they will pass and you'll laugh about it later. I know I do and I had similar happen at the time.

Keep the focus on you and your improvements and your kids. They are watching you and will thank you one day. I had a friend who's son called him. His son was 39 years old and called to thank his dad for what he did when his mother left. His son was an absolute a** when growing up and used the divorce as an excuse. But he watched. He saw. He later appreciated it. Some get it earlier and your kids may be those types, but either way, stay the course....You're a very smart man.

Oh, T is right. Take the pictures and get in that mindset of keeping track and writing things down with dates. You hopefully won't need it. I didn't want to think I would need it, but I did. Is what it is.

AJ