Unfortunately, I do have to respond because she has asked if she can stop paying the mortgage (which we discussed and agreed on) because she needs money for the deposit on her new flat. There's also a few other questions she asked.
Part of me just wants to fire off one word answers but it all seems too impersonal.
Truegritter - I think I may need some industrial strength elastic if I follow up on your suggestion ;-)
What did you agree WRT the mortgage? If she agreed to continue paying it then she should honor that agreement. If you feel that you should answer then do, but no rush, and adopt a friendly coworker standard for your replies -- no intimacy
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
We agreed that if she needed space then I would take on the mortgage on an interest-only basis. This suits me financially because it's a lot cheaper than moving to a rented place. I don't know if it's actually a good thing though because it is keeping me very rooted in how things were not how they are which is obviously not the same for her.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
So I seem to be reaching a new phase in the process whereby I'm determined to improve myself but am now really nervous about the future. I saw a post from chatterbug which said most lbs lose 30 lbs, buy new clothes and that's it. I'm determined for that not to be the end of my growth in this crisis! The problem is I seem to be running out of steam as the process and the mental fatigue continue. Any tips how to get past this stage?
Also, the nervousness is also extending to my wife. Her almost complete withdrawal and reinvention has been so quick that I'm worried that there is no hope. If she has decided as she says that things are too far gone and there are too many issues which are impossible for me to demonstrate aren't issues, such as problems between me and her family which I think is easily solvable but she is clinging onto, how do I show her i can address her concerns when she only has superficial contact with me?
Also, the nervousness is also extending to my wife. Her almost complete withdrawal and reinvention has been so quick that I'm worried that there is no hope. If she has decided as she says that things are too far gone and there are too many issues which are impossible for me to demonstrate aren't issues, such as problems between me and her family which I think is easily solvable but she is clinging onto, how do I show her i can address her concerns when she only has superficial contact with me?
Damn, I did it again! Space, time and healing first, worry about these things later. Would still love to hear tips as to how to get through the running out of steam part.
Also, is it 'right' that I don't want to see her for a bit. She is supposed to drop some things off at the weekend but I'm just not interested in having another round of propping up her ego whilst listening to I'm done, we need to have separate lives again
The only way through it is to do it unfortunately.
It is normal not to want to be around her right now...
actually that is best. I said you will know what isn't working by your pain.
Pay attention to it. While it is in your head you won't be able to make meaningful strides toward your own goals of becoming the man you want to be and one your W would be a fool to leave.
And she may decide to continue being a fool. Hope? I can speak for me. It is very much linked to faith for me. It is not a plan for living your life. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Faith is the word I used for myself in this.
Faith in myself took a while to gain.
Faith in this process I had to win by being here.
Faith that no matter the outcome this path would be bring me to my goals.
Faith that whatever my W chose to do it was the best thing for her and the best thing for me. She is only trying to find the same answers as you. She just may be looking in the wrong place.
Faith that if I looked at the truth and reality of the situation no matter how bad or that it didn't fit with what I WANTED...I could handle it through the grace of God and the support of my family, friends and my own courage.
This takes a long time to build Mab.
Which pieces are you missing?
Examine everything in your life. Take what brings you closer to your goal and kill the rest.
Remember when your anger comes not to let it define you or drive your choices.
Recognize it as cue to work on that which caused it.
This is hard Mab and this is where the less determined exit the way and get a one way ticket to Bitterville.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Am in a strange place right now. Gave my talk and it went great. I have no one to share it with though. I am also having deciding whether I want to talk to her or not. I miss her loads but she hasn't made any effort to contact me. It's all been me chasing her which isn't helping me. I just feel oddly numb and a but lost. What comes next on the roller coaster I wonder?
