If the vows we took before God, promising to stay together till death didn't mean anything, then why did we come here looking for a way to try and save our marriages?
Granted, a lot of us saved ourselves, but I, for one, didn't come to this forum with that as my first desire. In fact I'm pretty sure the site was set up with the intention of saving Ms.
I agree with Cadet about staying married. It's a choice made everyday. Growth can take place together or apart. It only takes one to make the choice of wanting out to break apart what it took years to build.
I have come to despise the term 'soul mate' it makes me want to puke.
SA, you are most certainly right. When we make our vows in church, we do so under the eyes of the lord. He will determine whether we are soul mates. Let go to God.
We mortals come to this site to save our Ms, yes...
If it is... or is to be... from a metaphysical perspective... is not for us to intentionally create... rather it may simply be a matter of faith....
I hate the term soulmates. It's based on myth that all souls were joined as one in the beginning. Then torn apart by the God's and doomed forever to walk the earth to seek each other. In other words...damaged people, 1/2 people seeking to be whole. Co-dependency anyone?
When the reality is that we must be whole emotionally healthy people to sustain any relationship.
50 lashes with wet spaghetti to anyone that uses soulmate!
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
"I think I am trying to learn from these choices because at some point I missed the signs. Now I don't know what were truths and what were lies. I am not sure how you move on into developing new relationships if you don't know the signs."
Brookie always says you did the best you could at the time with the knowledge you had. This statement above is one that sounds as if you are taking the blame for things still. You seem to think that you were supposed to be able to figure out that this person was perhaps "not" your soulmate or was deceptive, and if you'd have been able to figure that out, to see the signs, then you might not have gotten involved or you might have ended things before you got so hurt. You can only go with what you see on the surface and what's in your heart. It's not your job to be able to decipher signs that someone isn't who they say they are (and frankly, I'm sure he WAS who he said he was until his MLC). If you take it on as your job to figure out the signs, then you take the blame if you can't figure them out. Don't take the blame for this soulmate leaving your life.
Now on the concept of soulmates, I LOVE what my psychiatrist said from the beginning. Her personal view is that a soulmate is anyone with whom you have a mutually beneficial relationship that helps both of you grow for any length of time. Therefore you have many soulmates. They are male and female and they are often platonic. I can think of a handful of people besides my XH who had a huge impact on my life who may or may not be in it anymore, that when we had nothing more to learn we perhaps drifted apart. Does that mean we never come back together? Not necessarily.
I met a friend 20 years ago through my XHs best friend. She was his girlfriend. We did group activities together but never were close. She is a very spiritual person. She contacted me and XH by phone after not seeing her for 10 years when he and I were first separated. She had just ended her 17 year relationship and she was lost and trying to reconnect with old friends. As it turned out, she and I became unbelievably close from our shared experiences over the past 20 years that we didn't know about. She is so close to me now that I consider her a sister. She is a soulmate to me and I am one to her.
We found each other again after a very long disconnect that was never angry or spiteful. We just drifted out of each others' lives. Now we are connected strongly and maybe we will be the rest of our lives. But maybe something will happen and we won't be.
If she were to change in some way that would impact our friendship, I would never say "I should have read the signs." I am in a platonic relationship with her because we give to each other in the present moment. If something happens with us, I won't go back and regret this time or regret that I couldn't see something coming.
I think it's a dangerous thing to believe in one soulmate for life. If that's your belief, you will never be able to consider a relationship with someone else and you will feel cheated because yours left. You will feel a void that will never go away if you can't love being single. But if you revise your notions of soulmates to either abandon the belief as some above suggest or to consider you may be lucky to have more than one (or like I'm saying, many who aren't even romantically connected to you), you will stop focusing on the loss of "the one" you had so far and instead focus on the promise of many or the removal of the pressure that there was only one who is gone.
Sorry to go on so long, you guys know I can't answer anything in 5 lines or less ;-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I probably don't get very philosophical with my beliefs - I am probably more pragmatic. I allowed myself to become 110% devoted to my X - no looking back. I chose to have him as my best friend and confidant. I chose to love every second of good and work through every moment of bad. I chose to believe that words he spoke and wrote were truths.
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I think it's a dangerous thing to believe in one soulmate for life. If that's your belief, you will never be able to consider a relationship with someone else and you will feel cheated because yours left. You will feel a void that will never go away if you can't love being single. But if you revise your notions of soulmates to either abandon the belief as some above suggest or to consider you may be lucky to have more than one (or like I'm saying, many who aren't even romantically connected to you), you will stop focusing on the loss of "the one" you had so far and instead focus on the promise of many or the removal of the pressure that there was only one who is gone.
I overheard a conversation at the grocery store today. Lady was talking (flirting really) with the clerk guy. She said she worked at a psych hospital as a nurse. She mentioned that she thought that they would be out of business if people (the patients) would accept reality vs. working so hard for what they felt "should be." Hmm...
IB, stand back for a second. You put in 110% of yourself into your marriage. Your husband likely didn't lie or deceive. He changed (perspective and values). But you weren't fooled because he meant it when he said it (most likely). You are not so easily fooled. None of us are unless we are really and truthfully crazy. Few are crazy even if we don't understand their perspective and motives.
Was it wrong for you to put that level of effort into your marriage? I think you were not. I know it wasn't wrong for me.
Were you happy for much of it? If you were happy for much of it, doesn't it stand to reason when you are ready to put that level of effort into a relationship with somebody who gives that back, that you will be overwhelmed with joy and happiness?
When you accept what is, vs. what you expected or wanted or thought it would be (accept that the dream is over), you can be at peace. When you are at peace, you can begin to freely explore your world and embrace it - the good and the bad (what is good or bad? That's a topic for another time in my opinion but it has to do with perspective and time.) When you are freely exploring your world, you will likely find that people are attracted to you like moths to a light. When you really start to look around, you'll likely find a person you can and want to share your life with.
You'll have learned to love again and you'll have practiced those ideas with yourself. Put that level of effort into you and your life that you would have put into your marriage and your husband. I bet you'll be glad you did.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I sit here reading all of these responses and I feel like a complete and utter sap:) There are significant life events taking place with our kids (weddings, graduations) and I think I am finding myself sucked back into the sadness that comes with loss. I feel so guilty that my marriage failed. I wanted to experience these life events with my husband. These moments are what we, at least I, worked for. And to be quite frank, it [censored]. I can't seem to develop a new take on how I should be feeling. I still feel very awkward around my XH - I am civil, I don't cry - but I am very uncomfortable. I absolutely HATE that my kids don't have their parents together as they move forward in their lives. They deserve better.
No one needs to respond - I know that I am still fighting my way through all of this. I just want it to go away - I want to feel better about everything. If I am responsible for my feelings - why can't I change them?
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB, Your feelings will change in time. Rome wasn't built in a day and your feelings can't be changed on a dime, giving 9 cents in change back.
You feel uncomfortable around you xh because he's not exhibiting the characteristics of the man you knew pre-crisis. If this will help, I felt uncomfortable around my xh 6 years after he walked out. Now, I don't give a hoot about him and state just what's on my mind and believe me, I do not hold anything back and will call him on his bad behavior. In time, you feel different when you are around him. It's almost like a long lost relative that you meet along the way.
I know that you don't like the fact that your children don't have both parents in the home, but it wasn't in the cards that God held for your situation. He has a reason for putting your xh out on the street and in time, he will reveal all to you.
I'm so sorry that you are feeling the loss today. Feel the loss and then release it. Tomorrow is a new day and this holiday for celebration will be over for another year.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
IB sweetie, it's a process. It takes the time it takes. I'm still working through it almost 3 years later. I'm getting there. I so know your feelings. I couldn't have written your post myself.
You know there was a situation this past week where I have had more exchanges with H than I've probably had the entire time he's been gone. When monster came out to play I stood up to him. Guess what? He backed down, and I got some respect and maybe even a little compassion from him. We also worked together to solve the problem which hasn't happened since he's been gone.
I'll always be respectful as he is the father of our children, but I will call him on his behavior if it warrants.
Snodderly is so right, the reasons will become apparent with time.
Hang in there and take excellent care of yourself. Better days are coming.
