Floating without holding on

[needgrace]

After making it through BD anniversary yesterday, it is time for a NEW thread. I love how both make me feel lighter and more confident..

The title reflects that I am working on dropping the rope.. floating through life without holding on to anyone or anything... leaping into my life versus holding back....staying open...

a year ago, i was clutching on to W for dear life.. then i was holding on way too tightly...then i was holding but trying to pretend i wasn't... now to be honest, i have moments when i hold on, moments when i let go but want to hold on and moments when i am able to just let go and enjoy it..

i am working on increasing the moments i just let go.

i have been blessed this past year in so many ways. thank you, thank you, thank you to all you kind friends here who have lifted me up in so many ways.

[needgrace]

And a great Cainer horoscope today for a new thread:

"If your best isn't going to be good enough, what else are you supposed to do? Your worst? Your best is all you can do... and you'll just have to hope that it has a more powerful effect than you currently anticipate. What makes you think that you're up against such an impossible situation? Why should you assume that you're finished before you have even started? Be more positive. Step forward bravely, even if you're not sure your foot will land on anything solid. Where you walk now, a road will almost magically appear."

[needgrace]

JOURNAL

yesterday W sent me a text asking to talk about the taxes last night or today.

i ended up calling her this morning. after the tax discussion, she said that she had other questions. she explained that she had tried to file D papers but had errors and was waiting for some info from the county courthouse. she asked me if i wanted to be served by someone i know or someone random. i told her random and thanked her for asking me.

she said that in the D papers she could write out when i was going to pay her the money we agreed to as a settlement for the house... i stated that i had thought that i paid it at the time the divorce was final. she seemed upset at that and i told her that i had not really thought about it, if she wanted it done earlier to let me know and i would think about it. any feedback on this DBers? i got the sense she was struggling financially... which is probably true, especially with the expense of wanting to move back here in October. i do not want to rescue her (past pattern) but i do want to be fair..

we talked also about her waiting to file until i finish refinancing my house and she was agreeable..

it will be 6 months after she files before it becomes final.

her voice was shaky through the whole discussion. mine was calm and warm. inside my head, i was screaming "is this what you want?" but i did not say it. in the past i have pressured her, and i did not want to do that...

after the D talk, i asked her if she needed anything else, she said no and i wished her a good day..

that was it.

i am sad that there has been no movement off this path to D but i know i will be okay no matter what.. i made my mistakes and she made hers and i wish we could find a way to try again but i think she carries too many past wounds right now... i feel good that i treated her with respect and kindness today bc that is the person i want to be.

[Cadet]

i am sad that there has been no movement off this path to D but i know i will be okay no matter what.. i made my mistakes and she made hers and i wish we could find a way to try again but i think she carries too many past wounds right now... i feel good that i treated her with respect and kindness today bc that is the person i want to be.

Sometimes they have a need to destroy everything all the way to the ground before they will even think about rebuilding.

There can always be HOPE as long as you carry that within YOU.

NO ONE - even her - can take that away.

She is in CONTROL right now but YOU get to make the FINAL decision.

You are doing fine NG.

[bustingout]

NG you are so strong and calm and compassionate.

I know that conversation was hard for you...yet you were in control with grace and dignity all the way.

You are the person you want to be. And that is what matters.

And you did good giving things more time. To allow for time to enter the equation of this crazy madness of rushing and pushing.

You are beautiful.

((((NG))))

[vera be fierce]

It sounds like you did a great job handling yourself in that convo! I know how hard it is to maintain composure in those talks. You are going in the right direction by focusing on the person you want to become. ((( )))

[needgrace]

Thank you Cadet. You are the best.

[needgrace]

Thank you Busting. I know this has been a tough week for us both. I do much better with NC... it gives me a chance to catch my breath and gather my strength. we will get through this, my dear friend. ((( )))

[scaredsilly]

"You are beautiful."

i agree.

[needgrace]

Thank you vera. I don't see how you do it, living with your H in the midst of this. ((( )))