Freedomland Ahead

[BeingMe]

No, I don't, but I will ask a friend to go for a walk, once H has left. Today is the day he leaves our home, for good. I am sad, but looking forward to not wondering when he'll be home, where he is, worried about him flying, etc. Having him here, and trying not to hope. It's better that he leaves, so I can get on with my life. I thought I could do this for another 2 years. I must've been crazy.

[job]

BeingMe,
I have admired you for living under the same roof w/a mlcer for as long as you have. Your patience and understanding have been admirable. The time has come for the cage door to open wide and help him out the door so that he can grow up and learn to fly on his own.

You, on the other hand, have grown by leaps and bounds through the pain and now must be given the opportunity to soar on your own. You will find, once the dust settles, that there is a whole new world out there just waiting for you.

I'll be thinking of you this evening. Good luck and stay strong.

[BeingMe]

Thanks Snodderly! I appreciate your comments, knowing it comes from you, makes it all the more sweet.

I do feel that it's time now .... either for reconciliation or divorce. No more wishy washy separation where he can date, come home as if nothing is happening. Cake eating, indeed. I need to get on with my life. He has chosen divorce ... so be it.

He left on his motorbike for the city I've just come from ... 12 hours drive by car. Not sure how long by bike. He will be leaving from there to South America for 3 weeks for his job. He'll come back here to find a rental and get the rest of his stuff. When he came to say good-bye, I stayed sitting, and he fumbled around, muttering some stuff that doesn't matter. Then I stood up, and firmly said, "well, this is it, time to say good-bye." He looked at me, in the eyes, for the first time in ages, and said, "I guess so." He hugged me for a long time, and I could feel he was trembling a little. I wasn't at all. I said, "I hope you find what you're looking for." He replies, "I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know who I am." Then he left. So, I have forced him to start looking at himself, and not having me "mommy" him every time he comes home.

We have agreed that I shall go to the lawyer and have everything drawn up, and he will check it, and sign it if it's what we discussed. That is:
He will continue paying the mortgage on this house, and the utilities and everything else associated with it, until it gets sold, probably in 2 years time when my D19 and I graduate. I will continue getting $2,000 per month during this time.
Once the house is sold, I will get 80% of the profit, to put on a new property in our old city, where I will move back, and be near my grandkids.
My alimony will be 50% of his salary before taxes. Once I get a job, hopefully in my new career, we will change that.
He keeps his bonuses.
He pays for our (D19 and me) university fees.
He will continue to keep me on his insurances.
In two years time, I will start getting half airmiles.
We keep the condo in our names, and share the profit from rental fees. If he dies before me, he leaves his half to me, and visa versa, and on both of our deaths, the children get the condo to with as they please. I worry about another woman getting half of it, and my kids losing their inheritance. Of course, they will get everything that I have. I am not interested in ever getting married again, or living with someone.
Oh, also that we keep the dual bank account until the house is sold. That's where the mortgage comes out of.
None of the above can be overwritten by any will.

He's being generous now, and I hope he will continue to be so. I feel I have earned everything I get from the divorce.

[BeingMe]

BTW, my friend and I went for a long walk, and chatted about this, but also things happening in her life. I've said my say to my friends, and now it's time to move on. I'll come back here to vent, update and journal, as usual. You guys have helped me through so much. I will always be grateful for this forum.

On Wednesday, I'm taking a lesson in kayaking ... it's going to be fun.

[job]

BeingMe,
How are you this morning?

Your posting sounds like his departure went okay. I'm sure he'll have plenty of time to think about your last conversation w/him. He will also have time in the next few weeks to start focusing on himself, his issues, and yes, what he's left behind.

Do not wait too long in seeing a lawyer...you want to ensure that everything is taken care of while it is still "fresh" in your h's mind. They do tend to change up once the cage door has been left open and then their anger sets in and that's when the change in personality takes place and all discussions are off the table.

Enjoy your kayaking lesson. I think you will enjoy it.

[forward]

Actually, this is DBing, too, if you read the book. Last Resort technique.

You've done your very best and it sounds as if you've had enough. I understand. My MLCer wasn't at home but dragged his feet on divorce for 3 years, while he lived with someone else.

At some point, things have to change.

One good thing about the time going by and not having an abrupt divorce is that it gives you a chance to detach emotionally. I think the abrupt divorces hurt the most.

[BeingMe]

Yes, I will make an appointment with lawyer tomorrow. I bet he's doing a lot of thinking on his long bike trip. He's probably wondering what happened to malleable LBS, and his cozy, easy situation. Or, he may just be thinking about work, which is always uppermost in his mind. Whatever he's thinking is no longer my business. I am moving on.

Today I have that coffee date. Then I have some homework to do before class starts tomorrow. Our prof sent us an email to have stuff ready to discuss. It's an interesting Liberal Studies course called Wonder and the Order of Nature. It's a third year course, one of my electives.

So, I'll be busy, busy, busy. No time for sad thoughts. Got that all done over this weekend, and am now ready to fly free of this cage H has had me in. Corny, but I was trapped by my love for him, by the hope that he'll come back, but he had no problem doing what he wanted. So, ciao baby, hasta la vista, sayonara, and don't let the door hit you on the way out. I've got a life to live, and I'm gonna have to make up for the last 7 years of so-so living.

[BeingMe]

I agree with you, forward, about the abrupt divorces. They probably do hurt the most. I've had a long time to get used to the idea. However, I've also lost all that time, where I could've been having fun, going out with other singles, and just getting on with my life. I kinda did, but it was always in the back of my mind that he might want to reconcile one day. That hope is completely gone. If he came back and wanted that, I would be totally gob-smacked. I wouldn't be able to trust him, and he would have to climb mountains before I would. It wouldn't be worth it to him. It would be easier if he met someone else, who hasn't gone through all this cr*p that he dealt out to me (and secondarily, to the children).

[braveheart]

Being Me, I have been reading this and I agree with Snodderly 100%. You are kidding yourself if you think your H is going to live by the terms you quoted. I know he sounds very agreeable RIGHT NOW, but he's a master manipulator and this thing hasn't even begun to play out yet. Being Me, you don't want this divorce, I'm not putting you down by saying it, I'm just trying to make this point. If I know you don't want it, he does too. He will play that on you. I will be totally surprised if you don't hear from him in the next week or so. He will dangle a reconciliation at you, and he will play on some other things to keep you in the drama. He's very safe and comfy in this arrangement he has had for all these years and he won't be so easy to get to leave it. Just be very mindful of what I have told you..........

[Walking]

BeingMe, I've read you on and off for years and I have always admired your quiet dignity and inherrent sence of reality. You are an amazing woman and I'm pleased that you've been able to come to this point of acceptance yourself. The irony is it will probably be a big shock for your doesn'tknowwhathe'sgoingtomiss H.

It's an interesting Liberal Studies course called Wonder and the Order of Nature. It's a third year course, one of my electives.

I am reading a fantastic book at the moment, that I'm recommending to every person I come across .... called "The Rational Optimist" by Matt Ridley. I guess it' a kind of liberal/social sciences look at evolution and how how evolutionary theory (Darwinism) together with collecivism and modern economics (Adam Smith) and how people, who are really just animals, have learned to live together (he makes the point, can you imagine a line of gorillas standing cooperatively waiting to board a plane or an elevator?). lol I'm biased, but I'm thinking it would be very good reading to complemenmt your Wonder and Order of Nature course.

Good luck BeingMe - you are a strong and resiliant woman, and you are going to be amazing.

V