will you just calm down - you know what's happening here?
you're off work and now you ahve ALL the hours of the day to focus on your sitch, instead of the few that were outside your work hours.
see for yourself what that is doing to you.
you are wasting your much needed and much looked forward to holiday time by letting this sitch occupy your mind instead of using the time to relax, meditate, get to a good place, so you can be ready to get back to work.
I just caught up on your sitch - 5 frickin' pages of people telling you to sh!t or get off the pot. yes that's my phrase of the day.
why are we not getting through to you?
we have to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT HERE - my other new phrase of the day.
Do we , or do you?
what can you do different here?
here are some suggestions and i hope you use them,or at least act as if until they start working: i'm going to spell it out for you - taking it into consideration that you may need that. print this part out and f'ing read it every 20 mins - LITERALLY.
then when you can last 20 mins, stretch it out to 30, but don't go beyond every hour on the hour for at least 1 week.
If I do the following, I will find the right solution for whatever I am facing in this moment
[b]When I think about w or anything to do with her I will 1. slap myself on the face (one sharp quick tap on the cheeck with your hand) 2. rub some ice on my wrists 3. say to myself "mac, you are not reaching for your goal here"
Then I will go do something that feels good to ME: 1. read starsky's thread, or Denvers 2. read my goals list 3. do the dishes (e.g.. of something physical - push ups, run up and down the stairs etc)
[/b]
Print out what I wrote in bold - and carry it in your pocket - set the kitchen timer for 20 mins and start imprinting this in your brain. you just do it and by the time you finish both sets - your mind will have a chance to calm down, clear out the emotional overwhelming reaction and you will find the solution. if you don't find a solution right away , or you haven't calmed down, then DO IT OVER AGAIN - ALL SIX OF THEM
Just to be clear - READ this every 20 mins and DO them every time you think of your w or anything to do with her
here's what i think is going on - and it's not an excuse to let you off the hook. it's a good reason, but now when i am pointing it out to you, if you don't DO something concrete about it then you are choosing not to help yourself. CAPICHE????
i think that your brain is still going into fight or flight = and you literally cannot think straight each time you are faced with every minor development with your w. your brain right now is wired to just go there and spin off on it and it is going to take some considerable work on your part to rewire it differently
i think we all go through this - but it takes a lot longer for your brain than for others possibly because of the BI effects - thus starsky's referring to most people lasting about 2 weeks in the stage you seem to be stuck in.
but be warned - if you EVER use that as a reason to stay where you are at, then you are digging your own grave for the demise of your marriage, and the condition of your own emotional helth for the rest of your live. the more you keep repeating this pattern, the harder it will be to undo it down the road,
BECAUSE: now that you know, you can do something about it
about stating to yourself ""mac, you are not reaching for your goal here"
I am referring to the goal of possibly saving your marriage. you cannot even begin to do that until you save your own damn a$$, and from where i'm standing you are doing a not very good job about it.
how DO you save your marriage? by looking to YOURSELF for what you are not doing right, before you look to the other.
are you looking at yourself? what do you see?
do you see someone that is consumed by every little thing his wife does or doesn't do? can you see how that CANNOT possibly help your cause? do you see how your brain is wired to spin off the moment your w is in your head?
stop doing what doesn't work. start doing what works.
and that's not just in your actions - i will believe you when you say that we can't see how you've handled things over there with w for the last few days. okay great on turning that around, but it's time for the next step now
you have to do the same IN YOUR HEAD. you have to turn that around and it's a do or die, because the other way (just acting as if) can only sustain us for so long - then it doesn't work any longer and we slip down the slope again.
so mac - start with that - please, i'm begging you! the ice and slap are not a joke i made up - my therapist gave me these same tools and they are specifically for thought-stopping.
there is co-dependency here - but i think at some point we become co-dependent on the sitch - all-consuming thoughts of it fill the void for us that is created when the WAS's leave as they do. it's almost as if we are hungry and grabbing for the next hit or fix -waiting for them to f*ck up so we have something to feed that addiction.
watch yourself and you will see how you do that - we have all done it and still do it to a certain extent. so time to stop that addiction mac - yours is particularly bad now.
lets work on that - and i am expecting you to report back that you have started this little excercise i have given you - it worked for me. but just like any addiction you start by telling yourself - I don't want to be like this any longer.
so make sure you do that first okay?
i know this post to you sounds like it's in a really tough angry tone, but it is not - imagine that there is love and support behind all my words. i've been where you are in my brain and i had to fight like hell to rewire it. let me help you here mac, please - it will feel impossible the first few times - but the brain is so so plastic that you will be amazed how fast it starts to shift. if you don't do anything else right at this time, do this and it will be the most right thing you ever did for yourself
((((((mac)))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
New thread with no more of this bs coming up. Going to take a couple of days in the garden. And reading your 6 points zig. Thanks for understanding. I DO have problems over and above.
And I do believe you're right. Two days off work WITH the misery of a W and look what happens to me. Lot better today. Because no W + mate computers that I said I would fix = better me
= you just proved yourself that you are spinning off of her presence or actions.
so just do something different..... don't
(((( ))))
i'm figuring by now you've read that list at least 6 times, correct?
are you doing it every 20 mins - there's no mention of that .
i seriously want you to report back and BE ACCOUNTABLE here right now for the next week. i want you to be able to post here every few hours that this is how many times you read that list, and this is how many times you had to do the 6 things on it.
instead of jumping on here to post what she did.
i want to know what YOU did, ok?
pledge that now alright?
and i want that piece of paper under your pillow so it's the last thing you read before you zzzzzzzz and the first thing you pull out and read when you wake up, and then it goes straight into your pocket and the timer is set. and i don't want to hear how you forgot to set the timer.
do this like your life depends on it, mac - and next time this week - you will be in a place in your mind that you never knew you had the capability of being.
the brain is great - it takes only ONE TIME to do something , and it gets the message right away that it is capable of doing it again - and then you're on your way.
Because no W + mate computers that I said I would fix = better me
don't kid yourself, mac - ^^^ that only works when she's not around. it doesn't work for [censored] when she is and so you need to do something about that. right now, trust me, that little piece of writing i asked you to print out and read is your only life line to get you out of this mess in your head.
in fact - i want to know you even printed it out. and i swear you'll hear a 2 x 4 whirring through the air towards you at top speed if you so much as hint that you don't have a printer. then write it out!!
so let's start on the accountability right away, ok?
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
zig: I was just cruising through and saw your last couple of posts and I must say thank you, thank you, thank you. Its exactly what I needed to hear about being stuck, I do well except for some reason when im at my office so i've printed your list and im laminating it now (I put my goals on back). It is great advice and something concrete which is what i've been searching for.
Thanks again its so awesome how many people here give back.
you're welcome carnac - heck i better take my own advice and go laminate one for myself.
mac - hint hint - hope you are busy laminating yourself. that's actually a great idea - because that piece of paper is going to get so used it will wear out. but if you can't laminate and all - i think it will work better for you to rewrite it every time the paper wears out
i am going to be relentless on you for the next 72 hours or so - be warned!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
"No. I would not compel,", Nylan said, mentally adding, Even if I knew how, which I don't. "The choice is yours. I don't believe in forcing choices. People resent that, and their resentment colors their actions and their decisions."
Now I wonder why that was the first bit I read today? Someone upstairs trying to tell me something?
Oh and the twosome - Zig and Serenity (my guardian angels) I'm printing it out NOW. And I've already done the slapping, icing and the rest for 30 minutes. And all because the W has just been in and told me she stayed at J & K's home last night. And she'll be back tomorrow as she's staying at another J's tonight (oh joy of joys - she's breaking away from the B from hell). And no, nothing to do with me! But I can't resist smiling.
Also put my Alpha head on and said the call from the credit recovery service to our house was not acceptable. She has to tell Pa to call them with his details and answer his damn cell phone instead of ducking and diving like he normally does. She said she would. On her way to him now.
All in all a successfully interaction. Forgive me for mentioning it.
