Sounds like you're doing well. And when I mean you, I mean YOU, not your R. It seems like you are keeping that most important thing in mind, which is that you need to keep YOU in focus. And it sounds like that's helping you through.
I've found that dealing with the MLCer, when and if they return, can often be more difficult to navigate than when they are lost in crazy town. When they're in crazy town, detaching is usually the answer. Once reconciliation is taking place, balancing when it's time to detach and when it's time to engage is a lot trickier. Keep up the good work!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Yeah, the pic text really threw me, I about dropped my kindle (one of my new bestest friends for a while now)...
00:00:00-open text 00:00:01-wha' the ??? Does this mean _____? 00:00:02-oh wait, she must have sent it to the wrong person, one of the OMs names starts with same letter as mine! I'm sooo pissed! 00:00:03-what does that phrase "last one" mean?? 00:00:04-start full speed analysis-paralysis...
lol (I think)
Not AT ALL how I imagined reconciling starting (or whatever it is that is going on now), but I guess I have learned to expect the unexpected when dealing with mlc...
I think my "not-old-T" response maybe was me not wanting to walk on eggshells regarding "that" subject anymore? We used to be very completely open about that subject, so...idk.
I am just rolling with it, haven't said word one about it, not even a hint, to W (unlike me, 180 for sure). I think that is perplexing her, she kind of acts like she is expecting me to say something.
Albuquerque--- Thank you! If there is one thing I would say to someone just starting this journey is: Keep yourself in focus, the sooner you let them go and detach and build YOUR new life, the faster you will feel better in all ways. It took me too long to do that, in hindsight.
And now for something completely different...W has been acting, sounding very, almost, ummm..."normal"(?) (meaning nice, thoughtful, pretty calm, etc) since the pic text "incident"...we're going on 24 hours here...lol.
On her pile of her "stuff" on the counter is a book she is reading now, Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment
A lot of tension in the house has faded.
The Sherlock Holmes (or social anthropologist) in me is making some hypotheses, possible conclusions and such...having to step hard on the brakes, man, real hard...
Now, how to encourage the potential without getting devastated if it's just yet another touch'n'go...
You'd think I'd have this down pat by now. Just have to laugh at myself.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T, Stay cool and don't get overly anxious. She is steadily making progress and you don't want to rock the boat. I know that you'll be disappointed if she does another touch and go, but she's still working through things in her head. Continue has you have been and all will be well.
Have a great weekend!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I love your response to the text & pic. Its the rogue in you (this definition: One who is playfully mischievous; a scamp). That can be very exciting to a woman.
I like hearing about how YOU have changed, not how SHE has changed! Of course, I'm thrilled to see the steps she is making.
Interesting book she is reading. I'm so happy things ate going well for you!
They are going well for me too, just in an entirely different way.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I don't know why I said I would be "devastated" if it was just a touch'n'go, yes, disappointed, but not devastated anymore.
Alb's post really gave me some things to think about during this processing of lingering feelings time.
rH, "rogue"..lol...I like that...I was reminded that I used to be like that, one of my girlfriends way back when said I had a fun devious-ness about me...guess maybe that is something to nurture back into me for whatever future is ahead.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Not too much to report besides W emailing me that she appreciated my responsableness. So she still seems to be noticing me and what I do.
She is still working diligently through her stuff, lately one of the big issues is her self-image, she thinks she is ugly, and hates herself and hates having her issues...But she has been neutral to pleasant often, though a lot times she acts like (and admitted) a petulant, bratty, little girl. Reminds me of the wisdom of HB's post about the stages, and yup, you see all facets and all ages. Looking at some pics of her from adolescence, I see the same expression now when she gets all "jealous, envious, bratty and issuey". But as I said, it is lessening. Which is good, because that is when she might actually be "ugly" as she thinks she is. I have to admit that expression or mode turns me off. I wish she would look in the mirror when she is happy instead of when she is obsessing about aging, looks, and her issues. I wish she would "get" faster that her inner state greatly effects her "outer" looks. I hear the words from her that she understands this, it is a matter of belief, practice and trust, but the actions are slower to "click". But, not my problem. My re-assurances aren't heard or felt right now, so i just listen.
Otherwise, pretty much "3rd verse same as the 1st" song structure at the moment.
As for me, aside from fighting off whatever was infecting the house last week, I am doing well, just doing what it is that I do as well as I can. Work, GAL, etc. Maybe I am doing some inner work as I haven't posted much, but read everyone's posts. Lots of new people here, guess Sept/Oct is a popular month to drop bombs? Both of mine (2009 and 2011) were in Sept/Oct...hmmm.
Anyway, have a good weekend all!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T, Continue doing what you've been doing and everything will be okay. I'm sorry you are feeling under the weather. I hope you will be feeling better soon.
Actually, November - March is when you will see the most newbies. For some reason, mlc rears it's ugly hear more so around the holidays. It's unfortunate, as this is the time that we should be w/family and friends....
Get better soon!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
T^2, I hadn't seen this update. Sorry!! Glad I saw it now.
Regarding time of year, I, too, felt the beginning of a major disconnect with my H from the family starting October 29 last year. Here it is beginning November, and we are on the eve of D, as you say. Hmmm.
I'm sorry you got sick too. Doesn't help.
I totally understand about W's feelings about herself. I have felt that way a lot in the past. It's so hard to live with someone like that.
In front of the L last week, my H says "the amazing thing is her. She is taking this so well.". Then he looks at me and says "remember when we lived in such-and-such place (10 years ago) and I told you to stop acting like a 2-year old"!!!!
So...maybe I can take some confidence from that! Lol!
Your W sounds like she has the head knowledge. Needs the heart to follow. Really what I think she needs is a lot of ML!!! That'll make her feel beautiful!! I so wish she could just trust you! But trust doesn't come overnight, I know.
Hope you have a good week this week. I think of you every day, hoping the best, treasuring your advice in my heart, and enjoying the wit along the way!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Something happened recently that may change up the dynamics a bit. W had a accident and killed a dog. She got the up close look and all. We are pet/animal people. She is really shook up.
She was processing a lot Monday evening, realizing "I can kill something when I drive, I have got to be a more attentive driver" etc, etc. I practiced my now habitual "STFU T^2" and gave her full attention. her demeanor and facial expression was very "clear", grown-up.
She also then told me how she was working on her histrionics, mountain/molehill, forgiveness, guilt issues, etc...as Snodderly says, just be quiet and still and the answers come...
Yesterday after work I was all light-hearted and fun and I saw, i think, a look I had not seen in a while from W...that i was valued or something like that...it was nice. Later she was withdrawn, probably processing her events and realizations from the day before. I am curious to see what comes from this recent experience of hers...could go either way I know. Time will tell.
As for me, my new goal is to continue to bicycle commute to work through the winter, whether rain, snow, cold, whatever...I was a big cyclist in my younger years in the great white north, I can do it again, and due to the pacific influence, winters are nothing where I live now in the northern mountains compared to the great north midwest plains I grew up in.
I also found that my weight lifting was just taking too much time, as I no longer have hours to fill staying out of W's way, so i found a new routine that changes up the method of lifting to do more with less sets per exercise and time. So far, its a killer (in a good way) and about half the time investment. We will see if it works as intended, keeping the weight/bodyfat where I want them (athletic) and strength and flexibility improving.
I am finding trying to help others here is really getting me to improve myself, to look at things differently, to re-assess things, to solidify my understanding, growth and discovering new things to look at within, new reality checks. It also sometimes re-opens old things not quite properly dealt with. This is good. I want the baggage carousel as empty as possible for whatever comes in the future.
Thank you everyone here for all your help, I appreciate it more than I have words for.
Oh, and I have progressed enough to start writing music and songs again, and even about this whole ordeal. I can look at it without breaking up/down, and see it for what lessons can be learned, the meaning of love, commitment, mental illness, etc. And I have my journal to draw from for when the lyrics or music need the raw/confused/pain feeling...I can go "there" and come back again.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
