Separated and confused

[jendp]

Thanks for the advice, you guys are great.

I'm still having a hard time with detachment. I feel the need to pray to God about my sitch everyday, but when I do it brings me back into the heart of the sitch and I get sad all over again. Talking to God is the one thing that has been seeing me through this, but now I feel like it may be holding me back from detachment. Yes, I am praying for God to help me with this too.

Anyone have any advice on how to think about the sitch, evaluate things and grow from them, but not letting the thoughts cause regression and overwhelming sadness? I have been GAL and focusing on taking care of myself, but I can't seem to detach. Especially now that I know he has filed, I am having an even harder time because it killed a lot of my hope.

[jendp]

I thought the holidays would be difficult, but it is harder than I imagined. Trying to keep it together today because I am back at work, but my heart is aching and I just want to cry. Hope you all are having a better time than I am. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all.

[SolutionOriented]

jendp, hi. I was responding to my own posts and just reading different posts on here to help my own sitch. I will say that leaning on God is the right answer. Sometimes he pushes up to act and trust in Him when we don't want to or don't want to listen to Him. I, too, have struggled and still am struggling through the holidays but I try to focus on God and ask Him to help me get through Christmas and New Years plus my W's birthday on 10th of next month.

I guess what I'm trying to say is focus on God and let Him lead you to focusing on you and enjoying this time of year instead of regretting it or letting it get you down. Call up a friend or two or hang with family today and tonight and celebrate the New Year and the new you.

[SolutionOriented]

Well, made it through New Year's Eve and Day. W spent it at her place and I spent it at home with MIL, son, and his gf. W came over for about two hours on New Year's Day and watched a piece of a movie before leaving. Now, it's her birthday on Jan. 10th and then Valentine's Day that I will be trying to get through. For some reason, New Year's Eve and Day were rough. I made it through though. W is supposed to come over to house so MIL, son, gf and I can celebrate her birthday. Then, W and I have Fri-Sun off so I am looking for W to spend weekend with friends and OM to celebrate her birthday. No worries. I will keep myself occupied those days as well as Valentine's Day. I do keep praying to God and am looking at my next move educationally so I'm not sitting back and doing nothing. Also, starting workout today as I know I do feel better when I do workout.

Hope everyone had a Happy New Year!

[SolutionOriented]

W's birthday is coming up on 10th. Should I be buying her a gift? Actually, should I give her the gift I have bought her. It was a 24oz cold cup from Starbucks. It was on her wish list for Christmas and our S/GF couldn't find it. So, I asked our local Starbucks and they had just gotten a shipment in. As of now, she is planning to come over to the house for her birthday. So, my MIL has her something, my S has her something, and my son's GF has her something. So, we have all bought/made her something for her upcoming birthday. W got upset yesterday when I told her our S wasn't sure if he wanted to come over to where she is currently staying. She got a little defensive and I have not heard from her since then. It's not my fault so I'm not worried about that. W doesn't talk to anyone about sitch but her male friend, her female best friend, and OM. MIL tells me to GAL...go out and meet and make new friends both male and female. I am trying. Money is tight so I am trying to reconnect with our church and just get out myself and do stuff myself.

It's hard, but I just feel that God is going to restore our marriage and make it whole again. It's just His timing and ways are not our timing and ways. That makes it difficult, but understandable and sometimes a little unbearable, too.

[SolutionOriented]

Not sure if anyone is even reading these, but my W told me this morning that OM moved out of his house last night. He now wants to talk to her. W stated this doesn't mean that "I don't have a chance" with her. However, her heart is with OM and she doesn't know if this is her mid-life crisis or not but to please give her time to figure it out. She is confused. She thanks me for coming over to her house and helping fix things up and she does and has noticed all the changes I've made but her heart is with the OM. So, I am hurting tremendously this morning. I am praying like crazy and trying to make it through the work day which has really only started (West Coast). I never thought OM would leave his W to be honest and now that he has I'm devastated. W will be going to meet him soon and have their talk which I believe will not bold well for me. I have been praying often, but now feel the need to pray even more. I know God is with me, but I'm also scared for our kids. Yeah, they are 26, 25, and 19 but they are still wonderful and wear their hearts on their sleeves. My son has not been the same since my W moved out anyway so if this continues or deepens where W is seeing OM on regular basis it will devastate him even more. My dau's don't even know what's going on yet. Should I tell them? What do I do? I feel lost and my stomach is killing me!! I still believe God is going to heal my marriage..I really do, but this was a blow I suppose I wasn't ready for. S goes back to college on 17th. My last class for my bachelor's degree starts tonight. I feel like crap! Luckily, I only have one meeting today and it's a luncheon but still. God is in control I just have to remember that. His will be done. I pushed for this and now I'm getting it and I just have to ride it out with God. I just don't want our kids getting hurt. Please say a prayer for us all.

[jendp]

Thanks for the comments, I have been reading but needed to take a break from posting. Needed to get through the holidays and just focus on family and enjoying every moment. Now that the holidays are over H has contacted me and is now moving full speed ahead toward the D that he wants. I am so down and depressed since talking to him, I am trying so hard to stay positive but it is a challenge.

I think he has made an inner vow to himself to 'never hurt me again' because he says that every time we talk. If that is why he is seeking D, he is so wrong in his motives. I don't know what I can say or do to show him that D is not the way to achieve this. I am trying to release it all to God to let him deal with this, I pray all day long but releasing is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I have negative thoughts and images playing in my head constantly now and I'm trying hard to stop them, but I feel overwhelmed by them right now. I am seeing this as a temporary situation, looking forward to better times to come through the grace of God.

[KarenR]

Hi SolutionOriented,
I am sorry you are having such a hard time, both physically and emotionally. It is so important to take care of yourself and get the support you need to stay strong. If you aren't talking to one of Michele's DB coaches, please do, as they are wonderful in giving you great direction on how to go forward to get the best results with your W and how to deal with your family members. I would be happy to talk to you further. There is also a good discount available now. Take good care.

[AnotherStander]

Now that the holidays are over H has contacted me and is now moving full speed ahead toward the D that he wants. I am so down and depressed since talking to him, I am trying so hard to stay positive but it is a challenge.

So sorry to hear this! Try to focus on you and your life. Do what you can to maintain a PMA. If you find yourself in prolonged depression then please discuss it with your PCP, sometimes we need help getting over the hump.

I have negative thoughts and images playing in my head constantly now and I'm trying hard to stop them, but I feel overwhelmed by them right now.

Try reading "The Happiness Trap", it offers some interesting tools for helping mitigate the impact these thought images have on you. Like anything it takes practice, but it DOES work.

[jendp]

Been up and down on this roller coaster and the ride is making me sick. I don't know how some of you can do this for years and years, I admire those who do. H left 7months ago and is rapidly moving the divorce forward. He came over this weekend to go over the proposed divorce decree with me, the first time I have seen him since he left.

The meeting was pleasant, we talked for 1 1/2 hrs just like two old friends catching up. I did the whole "As if..." technique, had a smile on my face the whole time and I must admit I looked really good. He commented multiple times on how good I looked, said I looked 'better than he had ever seen me'. He also said he could see the positive change in me and that he wanted the happiness that I seemed to have. I shared that my stronger relationship with God and his transformation in me was the main difference. I know I shocked him several times when I said something positive in response to his comments instead of being critical and negative like before -- the look on his face was priceless. Overall, I was very happy with the meeting. I am glad he noticed my changes, hopefully it planted some seeds in him for change.

He said he appreciated how I have handled the separation/D so far and also that I cared about him and our marriage. He said his mind has not changed about D, that he just woke up one day and realized that there 'should be more to life' and that 'life is too short'. He said he wasn't ever miserable and he still loved me but we were just too different with nothing in common. I think he is in mid-life crisis. Keeping faith and giving it to God.