You have no kids. You should go dark. No phone calls, no txting, only respond to very important stuff (which I don't see anythin g in your sitch). Have your L talk about d only. Keep working on yourself. Honestly listen to the advice on here. Detach. But most importantly work on yourself. What are you doing to GAL? I would go completely dark. If he txt you and you feel the need to respond wait 24-48 hours. Sounds like a mid life crisis but I am not the expert there.
I have been dark for most of our separation, just responding to his correspondence mostly. I am GAL all the time: travel, working out 4-6x/wk, going to concerts 2-3x/month, spending time with friends/family, and my outings are often posted by my friends on Facebook so he knows I am still living my life. He comments that he does follow my life on FB and is happy I am having fun. Believe me, my life is a complete 180 from what he left 7 months ago.
He wants me to have my lawyer retract a motion for discovery to make him produce his financial info for the past 3 years. H said this isn't necessary and is just a lot of work for nothing because I already know what he owns. Also, he says it will just run up our lawyer fees which he thinks is crazy. He wants this to be so easy and effortless for himself and thinks I should want that too. I haven't responded to this yet, but I am going to hold tight and let my lawyer do his job. I don't think this is unreasonable. Thanks for your input.
M: 38yo, H: 44yo Together:10yrs Married: 6yrs No kids BD 8/15/12 H walked-out 8/18/12
Interesting that he's nice and gives a compliment and then tries to withhold his financial info. Sorry, but protect yourself. That is not at all an unreasonable or abnormal request and if he's not hiding anything it should be no problem to produce the info.
I would suggest telling him he can certainly feel free to save his money and lawyer's time by providing it directly to you before the stated deadline, and you'll just give it to your lawyer as requested once you have it all in hand. Honestly, what is it, tax returns? That's not time consuming to produce.
Just reiterate that your L needs it and if he wants to dispute having to provide it he should be talking to his L, not you, you're not the legal expert. (In a nicer way than that, if you can.)
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Jen, it is very unfortunate that your H is proceeding with the D. It looks like he set his mind on D at this time. I think the best thing you can do now is to completely agree with his decision. I think that more you tell him that you don’t want it, more he is convinced about his decision. I know it is counterintuitive, but I’ve read so many books about divorce and all of them say that you need to agree with his decision 100%. Here is one suggestion about what to say to your spouse that I’ve read in one of the books: “I prefer that the marriage work, but you’re one hundred percent correct. It’s totally impossible.” You can tell him that you prefer your M to work, but he is right and you’ve grown apart. Don’t say anything else, let him wonder, if you are happy to move on. You have to be completely convincing though. You have nothing to lose at this point, so act as if you completely agree with his decision. Continue to GAL, be completely happy when you have any contact with him.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thanks for the advice. I will consider the agreement tactic, sounds pretty scary but I have nothing to loose at this point. I am going to stick with making him produce his financial info, if nothing else it just buys me more time. thanks
M: 38yo, H: 44yo Together:10yrs Married: 6yrs No kids BD 8/15/12 H walked-out 8/18/12
You can agree or disagree, and either way you end up divorced.
What are you scared of? Agreeing is not a tactic. It is just not fighting a useless battle. Are you scared that if you agree he'll really go through with it? Is your disagreement the only thing preventing him from going through with it? And is it preventing him?
I really thoroughly 1000% did NOT want a divorce. And at the beginning I met with my lawyer and said "he wants this, not me." And in the middle when H asked me to go ask my L to draw up papers so we could save time and money using just one L, I went in there and said, "he wants this, not me." And both times L said, well then what are you doing here? Go home and tell him to get his own divorce. I didn't want to lift a finger to put it in motion. BUT - H never had to doubt for a second that I don't want this. It's quite obvious. I've come around to accepting that this is what he's going to do. I have legal and financial advisors, and I'm going to do what I need to to protect myself and my children. I don't like it, I'm not happy about it, I wish it were different, but it's what H wants and I have to respect that.
I'm letting him go. I'm not being cold or mean, and I'm not trying to make him feel bad about it. It is quite clear even to me, that this marriage is not worth being in right now. H has no intention of ever making it something worth being in. Intellectually, I do not want to be divorced. But given the marriage I have now, with no love, no affection, no communication, no intimacy, no interest in me as a person or in my life, absolutely nothing at all, if my L asked me today do I want a divorce I'd say yes, let's get this paperwork done. The damage that living this way for two years has done to my children has been devastating to me, and it's time for them to see that this is not what a marriage is.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi Jendp. How are you doing? Have things improved at all?
M: 48 (2nd marriage) W: 47 (1st marriage) T: 22 M: 21 D (M, 1st Marriage: 26) D (M, 1st Marriage: 24) S: 18 EA: 31 Dec 2004 ILYBINILWY: 31 Dec 2004 In all things give thanks to God; I thank you God.
