My high sex drive and going after my partner all the time was the beginning of our problems. She started to feel like a sex object, like all a relationship is to me is sex. Things were hot and heavy in the beginning of our relationship but the more I pursued her for sex the more it slacked off. It's been over a month since we last made love and even then there was tension about how it went.
I'm really conflicted right now because I always in the past would masturbate when needed. If we went a couple of days without sex I would usually masturbate. I figured it best to get it out of my system, I also viewed it as a way to keep from pressing her for sex.
Well, she doesn't like masturbation. When I admitted to it she felt hurt because I couldn't wait for her. She never masturbates and feels that we should hold out for each other, that if my hand is good enough why make love to her.
I tried explaining that I do it to just get the high energy out of my system, to let me focus on other things. Making love to her was more than just sex, more than just stress relief, it was a connection...she wouldn't have any of it. She finally admitted that she would never understand.
Things have gone horribly wrong now and I'm in LRT territory. Obviously, there isn't any sex going on between the two of us if I'm at this point...she doesn't even want to be touched by me.
So here is my current problem that is really bothering me internally...outside of trying to preserve my relationship. This is going on my 10th day without masturbating which is a very long time for me to go without masturbation or sex. I sincerely doubt that sex with my partner is coming anytime soon and I'm not going to cheat on her.
I've avoided masturbation because it is such a huge issue to her, it is so important, I'm viewing it as real giving. There is this part of me that wants to get the relationship back on track and make love again and be able to tell her that I've gone X number of weeks without masturbating because I was waiting for her.
There is this other part of me that wants to just masturbate because it does make me feel good and part of LRT is to do those things that make you feel good. I also start to think that by not masturbating I am subtlety pressing my partner for sex by the energy I give off, the way I look at her, or the fact that in my sleep I've rolled over and cuddled up to her when she doesn't want to be touched - if I masturbate I might get rid of the energy and not project it on her and not touch her in my sleep. I'll maybe be able to LRT more effectively and just be her friend for now.
What does everybody think? Food for thought is all I'm looking for. Is it more important for me to hold out so that she can witness real giving when we reconcile (yes, I say when we reconcile because I'm attempting to be very optimistic about all of this) or do I go ahead and get rid of the energy and make myself feel good in the short term?
I don't think you will resolve this issue by either resorting to or holding back from masturbation. When couples have unequal sex drives (whether physical or emotional)...it has to be addressed in a way that will make you both happy. I suggest you talk to one of the sex starved marriage coaches for concrete advice and direction on how to change this situation so that your marriage is full and satisfying to both of you. I would look forward to hearing from you.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
I did some thinking about where the R is right now. I realized that she isn't going to notice or care if I'm holding off masturbation right now. I realized that by holding back I was still just throwing off sexual signals, however much subtle, that was going to just keep hurting my situation.
By masturbating I get that energy out of my system, that way I'm not focusing on wanting sex with her, I can focus on the emotional aspect of our R and be more focus in making the changes I need to make.
I've masturbated since posting and know that it was the right decision. When I saw her it wasn't hard for me to keep my eyes from running her up and down, I wasn't just thinking about sex with her, I was considering all that's going on in our R and what I need to do to stay on track.
I figure once we get the R on track and we get back to being intimate, then I can abstain from masturbation and she'll see it as a real gift.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
What's the big deal? You're not having sex, so go ahead and masturbate all you want. You don't have to tell her you are. That's your business. If she asks you, then tell her that you only talk about your sex life to the person you actually have sex with.
It's not a big deal.
That is something you should watch out for though personally. While most women have a healthy sex life, once they have kids and the hormones kick in, their sex drive goes down. And it's going to be real easy for you to get resentful about it. You're going to start off by saying that "you understand" etc. But when those dry periods go for a long stretch of time, you're going to find a different way or person to get your needs met.
And BTW, you do understand that the reason the two of you were having regular sex was because you were in the honeymoon phase. That ALWAYS wears off.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
But man I get the impression your Wife says jump and you say how high.
You could masturbate 5 times a day and she couldn't catch you as long as you are discreet. Yet you are worried about her getting upset. It sounds like you may be walking on eggshells here.
It sounds like your wife is very insecure about sex, is she secure about her body? Any sudden weight gain?
It sounds to me that you are very eager to keep her happy so that she wants to have sex. This reeks to me of a stealth contract. You exchanging niceness for sex.
"I'll respect your lack of not wanting sex, in the hopes that you realize how nice I am and want to have sex with me."
I'll tell you from personal experience this just led to less sex for me. My wife felt I only did nice things to get sex. Which felt manipulative which made her want to have sex with me even less.
It's a pretty vicious cycle.
Of course I'm just guessing all this from the information you put in.
I think you should take care of your needs. Especially if your partner refuses to. I think you also need to consider if you want to stay in a relationship with someone who demands you give up all forms of sexual gratification. Is this the life you want?
Now I'm not saying to walk away from the relationship. Far from it. Instead you need to decide what relationship you want and make it clear to your partner that you will not tolerate less.
I get what you mean about the honeymoon phase and that it will slow down some after that. I do worry about the long stretches and starting off with "I understand" but having resentment dredge up. Guess it's one of those things that if the R gets back on track and we do get back to having any sex, if it's not happening as often as I like I'll just need to masturbate and not tell her.
[censored] to think about lieing but I was up front and honest about it and it blew up in my face.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Well, she doesn't like masturbation. When I admitted to it she felt hurt because I couldn't wait for her. She never masturbates and feels that we should hold out for each other, that if my hand is good enough why make love to her.
Hmmm, this seems like a lack of respect on her part. You told her how you felt about it, and she didn't accept that and asserted that her feelings about it were more important. It's your body, you should have the first word in how you treat it, and she should respect that unless you are doing something that is harming her or others. Is it okay if she tells you what to eat, how to dress, what kind of exercise is okay and what kind is not? Where does she end and you start?
You imply that there are other problems going on right now in your relationship, have you considered marriage counseling? This is one topic that is probably best discussed with a counselor present.
One suggestion would be for both of you to read MWD's book "The Sex-Starved Marriage" -- it's excellent, and will be good both for you and for your wife.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I've never gone more than a week without some kind of release in my whole adult life, wife or no wife, participating or not. Going ten days without -- wow!
It bugs me that the premise that you and your wife have tacitly agreed to is that NOT HAVING SEX is somehow more virtuous than having sex. So her refusal to masturbate is somehow more wholesome than your insistence on masturbating. It seems you should be equally justified on insisting that her refusal to masturbate is not only unhealthy for her and your relationship, but you also find her refusal to masturbate upsetting to YOU! And in fact, many experts on female sexuality will say that a woman should learn to masturbate to be in touch with her physical sexuality. So, in fact, I think you have more of a right to be upset about your wife's refusal to masturbate than your insistence on masturbating, especially when she doesn't want to have sex with you!!
It's my impression that many people would say that a woman who refuses to masturbate is probably dealing with some serious hangups, if not just adhering to a rather passive approach that "only a man can do the job for me".
OK, I have to ask, because it's a problem I'm all too familiar with. Does your wife have orgasms? Everything you've said so far would be completely consistent with a woman who's never had an orgasm.
