So, I've just packed the rest of her things except furniture. For some reason she has left R stuff her. Romantic gifts from/to eachother. I even packed her gifts to me, in her boxes. I will probably give it to her in a couple of days when she drops by.
Not b/c I want her to throw it away, but what good is it here? I don't need material stuff to remember the good times. I don't want material stuff to remind me of these bad times.
It feels weird, a bit sad and I ask myself if it's the right thing to do right now. It feels like waste. Why are we not trying one last time? Could we fix things? The more I detach, the more I feel bad for S. I feel like I'm giving up when I shouldn't.
I know though, she doesn't want to fix things. And her actions and lack of changes makes me doubt if it's wise to even consider taking her back if the opportunity arises. Maybe I'm afraid to get hurt, or maybe I'm just wiser.
I feel like me detaching should feel good, but right now it feels chit. The question is, am I detaching or just trying to.
And I ramble on...
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Haven't posted for a few days, mainly b/c right now I'm rollercoastin'.
Last couple of days I've felt good, sad, happy, wanting her back, feeling nothing, glad she's gone, then feelings of love etc etc etc.
I removed her gifts to me. Haven't given it to her as she finds an excuse everytime I offer to drop off or ask her to pick up.
Yesterday she was sending several texts with smileys etc, asking non-important/irrelevant things. I kept it short and simple, and conv died out. Today nothing though.
I guess I'm doing relativly good, I'm not initiating contact and I don't feel a strong need to either. I went to dinner with friends. Done stuff at home. Went out and about. Talked to strangers.
This w/e I'm thinking of going out of town a couple of days all alone, just for the sake of being alone and GAL'ing.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
She noticed everything, scratches on my back, bracelets on my arm. She asked what was going on but i deflected.
She offered to drop of S for fathers day, great. I then had to tell her about my plans to go out of town but that I would give notice as to when I got back.
She said ok. 20minutes later she suddenly asks "where are you going though?" probably XX. "ok" then 10 minutes later "hm. with who?" maybe a couple friends but I was also thinking of going alone, just for the sake of doing stuff alone.
that seemed crazy to her, I bet she didn't believe me.
I gave her the stuff before leaving. she asked me if I thought our arragnement was working and we talked a bit about that.
THEN; "the scratches on your back and sudden out of town trip. something I should know?" why do you ask? "oh...well...just wondering. maybe it's important in regards to S"
I realized where this was going. She thinks I got over her and found someone new. I deflected and continued S talk.
I took the bait, again! But at least I stopped myself after.
I know I shouldn't mindread and stuff, but chit....I was close to asking if she regrets her choice(leaving me).. I wonder. I shouldn't.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
you say you deflected, Can i ask how? That's something i'm struggling with. My H asks me questions too and i can't just say it's none of your business. So how do you deflect and not answer?
Your improving in you conversations! Well done.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
THEN; "the scratches on your back and sudden out of town trip. something I should know?" why do you ask? "oh...well...just wondering. maybe it's important in regards to S"
Remain mysterious.
"Oh it's nothing, just a consequence of one of my new hobbies."
Mysterious, busy, alive and detached is catnip. Make sure she notices something new about you the next time she sees you and let her bring it up.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
you say you deflected, Can i ask how? That's something i'm struggling with. My H asks me questions too and i can't just say it's none of your business. So how do you deflect and not answer?
Your improving in you conversations! Well done.
I didn't deflect as good as I could have, but I said something like "If something matters I will tell you, right now we have to concentrate on being parents for S" I stalled a bit though.
Originally Posted By: Coach
Remain mysterious.
"Oh it's nothing, just a consequence of one of my new hobbies."
Mysterious, busy, alive and detached is catnip. Make sure she notices something new about you the next time she sees you and let her bring it up.
I told her it was probably my own nails from my mad stretching skills I aquired after starting training again.
One of the things that annoyed her was me always trying new hobbies/sports etc b/c it was time consuming. So it's probably more expected than mysterious, regardless though, it's good to get out there and be alive.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Had a situation today which was a bit of an eye opener to me.
I dropped of S and she asked (nicely) for help with a transaction which kept "erroring".
I helped her succesfully.
She then afterwards had some problem with an e-mail. She became upset and irritated. She started having a bad tone towards me. I told her she had no reason and thought about leaving. I stayed a bit more though, but she didn't switch back to nice. So I said I was leaving, good bye, and left.
I think I'm a bit of a "fixer". When reflecting on the situation a couple of things crossed my mind :
1.That tone is not acceptable, why didnt I leave straight away? The reason I told myself : I don't want to contribute to making things worse by leaving and getting a fight over it. I care for her and want to help. If I explain she will understand it was wrong of her and that I don't accept.
What I believe is the real reason : I have a unconcious belief that if I stay positive/friendly regardless her attitude and fix it then we will be friendly again and things will get better. (yeah, not what happens is it)
I'm glad I left. I don't tolerate this from others, why should I tolerate it from her. I care for her, but I will not accept bad behaviour. By leaving, not by staying, is how I'm making it clear I don't accept it.
So what is there to learn for me?
*She chooses her own actions. Her alone. *I can accept them, or I can choose not to. *I have to stop trying to get her to see how wrong those actions are. Stop "teaching" her. Stop trying to fix the situation. *Not accepting does not mean staying, discussing, teaching, fixing. BUT leaving.
Any thoughts?
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
