FWIW... -One vet wrote here that when you don't ask yourself if you are done, then you are.
-Since there is a horse theme here today...after my W (yes, mlc is not just for men anymore...lol) started opening up about what she is feeling/thinking/processing/etc as she is peeking out of the tunnel, I ask..."they shoot horses, don't they?"
The mlc'er looks like they are living large, but underneath the facade is a giant ball of pain and fear...I would NOT trade places with W for a winning lottery ticket....I try to remind myself of that when I get down and impatient...helps the compassion and all.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
i don't know guys - my compassion for this man is on "hold". i am not so sure in my case he is feeling anything other than _"woo hoo- i'm "having it all" and that jerk is still hanging on" "whatta fun-boy am i?""" this man- that has said I "think there is more to him than i see- but really there's less" - may have been telling the truth. i heard that- i didn't know he wsa actually commenting on his mental and emotional capabilities- but you know- i think about it now and i'm thinking he was just being honest. too much of a stinkin "chicken" to say- listen up- this is serious and i need to talk to you (which would have meant ttreating me like an (God forbid) equal or something-
BUT- i'm thinking tonite (without anger- rancour or anything else) that maybe he was being honest. maybe there isn't much there - underneath - and perhaps he is perfectly happy. i hear you gys all so sure that your spouse is feeling "pain". i'm not ratty- i'm just not convinced.
i think he actually thinks he is a young man again- doing whatever he feels like doing- having it all - me, the rock (if you will) and everything and everyone else. just my gut.
i do not ever see any pain or remorse or quandry. oblivion is more like it. sorry to report- i am a compassionate guy- i am a guy that can hear if someone is telling me something heartfelt- i'm not feeling it. i'm looking and would LOVE to believe there's more to this than just be being a giant pos and expendible - but maybe not.
sorry to be discouraging here- i just don't know. you know?
someone needs to shoot this horse -
you guys know the pitiful part of this all? i keep thinking that deep inside the only reason someone would db is their conviction that the other person is worthwhile and worthy of the pain they're being dealt. SO the KEY THING IS to detach- but if you did (totally) you'd walk and not be here participating. know what i mean? doing it at all - does not indicate total detachment. if you were- you wouldn't be.
oh well- just saw a tv news item about a guy that was a disabled veteran. i feel ashamed to let my little troubles get me so down sometimes- i'm good comparitively speaking. me- bucking up.
i think he actually thinks he is a young man again- doing whatever he feels like doing- having it all.
Yes, he does, exactly. that's the Mid-Life-Crisis they can't handle being middle age and facing the later part of life. So they fool themselves, flip!
today my h said his muscles are weaker, what can he do - then he said I'll just pretend to be young in my head. Stupid answer but he will convince himself - lie to himself - whatever it takes.
Stay focused your not in a MLC- your the rational one. Stop analyzing him -he's crazy, lost, gone, and not your H. Sorry, but I'm telling myself this as well. NONE of this is about you/me or against us as well. He/they are not happy.
He calls you, hes says don't leave his life, take it for what it's worth and read nothing else into it. He is not happy - he is lost, mixed up - and you are his casualty because you love him.
sorry but here we all stand going through this - some of us will heal others will move on- regardless you have to come out of this smarter, stronger and happy to face your next r with h, or new things ahead.
your are stubborn girly please stop beating yourself up - there's lots of care and attention here - just keep reading and writing - you/I will get through this!!!!!
oooxxx DM
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
regardless you have to come out of this smarter, stronger and happy to face your next r with h, or new things ahead.
i sure hope you're rite that we alllll survive this with all our marbles. I really do not like this me , who can't see anything in the future - and can't be fond of the past and is just putzing along in the present with nothin . i hate being lonely - even as i'm saying it i have to admit i've been awfully lucky in life so far- but boy - oh - boy- has my luck run out lately with this junk. i resent feeling sucked down by this all. i resent letting myself- i do not listen to me very well. this is not who i am-
yeah- i know, how the hell many times can i say the same darn thing- i am one giant broken record here.
let me think-
Quote:
Stay focused your not in a MLC- your the rational one. Stop analyzing him -he's crazy, lost, gone, and not your H. Sorry, but I'm telling myself this as well. NONE of this is about you/me or against us as well. He/they are not happy.
i hope you are rite and i am rational. i don't feel like it alot of the time. i feel really unusual and at a loss. so- you really feel it's true that it's not about us? and not against us?
i have to say- i still get flashbacks to all the criticism , and unfair picking and fights due to his unhappiness and the fact that he was blaming me TOTALLY for EVERYTHING - oh yeah- i guess he did throw in he was unhappy for a long time. (after bomb only tho- like, why wait til then??? why not get it out along the way- men- i'm glad i'm a woman I may talk too much- but i'd rather say it and TRY to help myself - instead of the alternative. i guess i let my opinion of him get in the way of my compassion- sorry ...
i did laugh like mad today becasue an old highschool aquaintence called - we got talking about our mothers. she was killing me- and i realized since linda died i've been really sucking air for people who like to laugh and have a good sense of humour. there aren't too many around- i miss it alot. anyway- we got trading mom stories- made me laugh for about a half hour straight. i felt alot better after that. it's magical- isn't it? laughter. i have a "caregiver" book- it tells you to even make yourself laugh- even faking a laugh will give you a boost- wierd thought- but i'm trying. i need more laughter in my life - really.
plodded thru the stupid old state of nj education dept. form for getting fingerprinted on line- what a nightmare - oh man- about two hours - then i forgot to print a copy anyway. i am such a computer-dork when it comes to forms & searching. i just don't have that much patience. finished in the end (geeeez) - i hope this is funny (at the very least) the kids and substituting. i'm figuring kids have to be alot more entertaining that adults.
the adults in my life are sooooo ponderous all of a sudden- i'm croaking for some laughs. this gal is coming over tomorrow- maybe we can laugh it up some more. therapy for me please.
fri have another friend to visit- she's okay- not too funny- but nice and she's got some other friend that's looking for victorian christmas ornaments- she thinks perhaps i can create some for her. she is ALWAYS trying to get people together who want something- got something. she's a manager-type. her mission in life is to find people who suck me into makng things for them. sometimes it's interesting or fun- sometimes not. i have trouble saying no- did you ever notice that about me???
okay- you can be off this hook- thanks for insights & support- i read other people's stuff - or articles, etc. but sometimes it's hard to hear or read - or the truth hurts and i dont want to- it makes me feel really sad and hopeless - so i run away. maybe i'll be ready to read more later - don't know why- just what it is.
I totally get what you're saying. We all reach these points. MLC is painful, frustrating, confusing and devastating.
Originally Posted By: nero
BUT- i'm thinking tonite (without anger- rancour or anything else) that maybe he was being honest. maybe there isn't much there - underneath - and perhaps he is perfectly happy. i hear you gys all so sure that your spouse is feeling "pain". i'm not ratty- i'm just not convinced.
Nero, believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do. Repeat this. Repeat this. Repeat this. And when you're done. Repeat it again. And again....
When my H was in crazy town, he would tell me about his freedom. How he could (as a contract programmer), work at beachside restaurants. How he had friends who would let him use a beachside condo, etc etc. I'd see him go on trips with OW while I stayed at home mowing the lawn, watching D, paying bills, taking out the trash, etc. But every so often, I'd catch glimpses of the sick H. He seemed unwell. He talked the talk, but he was losing weight, dressing badly etc. Only now do I know that he would spend entire days in bed curled up in the fetal position. Only now do I know that he'd have panic attacks anytime he'd try to make a decision regarding our R.
Originally Posted By: nero
i do not ever see any pain or remorse or quandry. oblivion is more like it. sorry to report- i am a compassionate guy- i am a guy that can hear if someone is telling me something heartfelt- i'm not feeling it. i'm looking and would LOVE to believe there's more to this than just be being a giant pos and expendible - but maybe not.
You're not seeing it because it is not there. When they are in crazy town, they are in crazy town. They don't really know WHAT they hell they're doing. They don't feel remorse. They also don't feel content. They don't feel secure. They don't feel happy. They don't feel calm etc. BUT. They ACT like they know what they are doing. This is the point where I ask you to go back to the beginning of this comment and repeat my first point again and again.
Bottom line is, you need to turn the focus on you. Let's make YOU better. You're right. Sometimes, once the LBS detaches long enough and grows and learns, they end up not wanting to salvage the relationship in the end. One word of reminder though. Detach does NOT mean stop caring. It means being able to deal with the wacky emotional barrage that can come from the MLCer without it affecting YOUR emotions. It's tough. There are no guarantees. But as long as you are better and wiser in the end, it will be OK. *hugs*
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
This is the point where I ask you to go back to the beginning of this comment and repeat my first point again and again.
oh okay- i'm reading along- and i did in fact go back and repeat it to myself. it's like miracle on 34th street with old natalie wood sitting there saying "I believe" - "I believe. "
even made myself laugh and i can use it this morning. I WROTE IT DOWN on a stickie on my desktop here - so i see it frequently all day and will repeat after you.....
I can only pray & hope i am better in the end. i hope you are rite we all make it thru and are improved for it. i know that is the conventional wisdom. i don't mean to be dreary- i merely find myself confronting things i never really thought i'd find in my life (uh hem- that i'm an episode of jerry springer.... yikes!!) and it does make me wonder. i do think the best of people and myself usually- but i've ended up in what feels like hot water here- so MAYBE i've been on some wrong trail. usualy i pooh pooh this and stick with - " hey, i am who i am and i'm okay". just sometimes tho... now or then, i wonder if it's me - not "them". know what i mean? nothing terminal- just seeds of doubt creep in. i am only human anyway. (unfortunately)
i have no idea how this all plays out and what it does to a person. so far - i feel both bad and glad to notice that i care still- it makes it hurt- it lets me know maybe i should still be trying to do this.
. if i don't initiate a conversation about all this crap and hear his point of view (bad stuff about myself) it doesn't get said. for better or worse- i've decided and hope to stick with the plan to not go there. like snooping and finding out more stuff that rips my heart out- i'm trying to not confront that information. what i know now is enough to have me where i am - conflicted and (half the time only now) miserable.
I have some truly huge and drastic family stuff going on at the moment - of course rite??? we are trying to (but failing) put the fun back in dysfunction. it's sad - and ridiculous all at the same time.
anyway- thanks for contact from "the world" out there- this darn forum is really a link to like minded people and that is invaluable in this kind of a thing.
now, to go buy that darn lottery ticket- just typing it makes me laugh - so that's worth someting rite?
nero-once you start the "acting as if" you would be surprised how much you yourself start to feel it.
My h said there's a lot of jealousy in him (people like him) because they don't have it together. So they go seek it else where only to be disappointed.
when he comes home have things to do, people to visit. He will be curious it will get his attention. the more you show him your "ok" the more he will see. Be secure, make your home cozy, safe, and inviting.
Cook, let him know your about to sit and he's welcome to join "you". If he doesn't he still gets the point your making. Understand, he's not having a great time, he very well may miss his life with you.
Yes, he is having another life, but I read so many times not to assume it's the one he sought, there may be a point were he comes home (many times) to you to confirm "this" is his life right under his nose the whole time.
Be the one he want's to come home to, the one he thinks about when he's not there, one day you may over shadow his thoughts of ow and the balance begins.
It sounds like it's all on us, and it is - for now, but were the ones who know better and still want it to work out. at the very least if it's all over for you guys you want to be on friendly terms as you do share a house and he doesn't have to be a good guy about it.
back to the positive - he said don't leave - be the safe house - the light house! be the women he would be crazy to get out of his life - and it's good for you too to be that great!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
