when do I start piecing ?

[7720]

Arrgh! Just had parent teacher conference with W...I was cordial but not much else....I have been checking the phone bill and noticed that she has been texting this guy a lot...and it put me in a foul mood..I told her she needed to get her own phone plan and that she was getting a lot of pics from a number that began with.....---- and she pretended not to know the number...

Anyway the teacher mentioned that my d(6) told her about S and that she is spending a lot of time in the "safe place"...when it is W turn with the kids they cry a lot and don't want to be at her place...."I will just stay here" d(6) says to me on the last day that she is here...and sadly I have to say no you have to go be with your Mom...W told me tonight that she cries for me on Wednesday the day I have to give her up.....I never knew my heart could break so many times in so many ways...I was short with W tonight trying hard to conceal my distaste for her right now but I am sure it shows.

[Arsene]

I know how you feel mate. They are acting selfishly and don t seem to realise the impact this has on the kids. Every other night D8 tells me how she misses her mom and asks why she won t come back now that I m a good daddy who doesn t get angry anymore. In the meantime w tells me that kids are resilient and that she ll be fine. I suppose D8 would also eventually get used to not having any legs but that s not a reason to slowly amputate them.

[7720]

Well IL just sent me an invatation to come to their house for thanksgiving---as if there is nothing going on and they are not the major financial backers of W paying her rent bills and even retirement.. I don't want to look spiteful or angry, but I am a little...would like them to see where there hard earned money is getting them...but I won't....they want it to be an all day affair..I think we will come over and eat and leave...keep it short and sweet and cordial. Last time I talked to W she was mentioning that she wanted to do something with her band buddies...so I might have to through that in as I am not sure what plans she has...

[MrBond]

"I don't want to look spiteful or angry"

But you are. And more than just a little.

Your W's IL's are great for inviting you. All they're doing is protecting their daughter. You'd do the same for your kids so don't blame them.

Unless you find a way to get rid of the resentment and anger, you won't be able to save your M.

[7720]

yes you are right I do need to get rid of resentment and anger.... I am sometimes successful at that...I need to unburden myself from it..and reinvent myself.

but as far a "they are only protecting their daughter" you are wrong there....They are enablers their youngest son has only been out of the house to go to college...he is 38 and has never lived at all...there is nothing wrong with him he is very intelligent and could go into any field that he wants...instead his dad gets him statistical jobs ocassionly....mom feeds and buys his clothes really sad I must say...oldest son has borrowed money from parents because he is living above his means; so many times I can't count...never to be repaid...and now daughter is playing her cards....there is a pattern....

[7720]

Well had to go over to W's house yesterday she was replacing the faucet and broke a valve and could not turn off the water...d(11) called me in a panic...i got there and IL's were there MIL cornered me and asked if I was going to come for thanksgiving and I said yes.....but after I talked to W and she said she wanted to have a party at her house for her "friends" before so that makes it a bit akward but I guess I am locked in....I think I will respond to MIL that here the situation just let us know what time you want to eat we will be there but under the circumstances we have a lot to do and will only be able to stay for dinner...not an all day affair...I will word it a little different but I don't want to be sitting at IL house waiting for W to show up from her private party!!

[MrBond]

"but as far a "they are only protecting their daughter" you are wrong there"

Nope. What you call "enabling", they are seeing it as being responsible parents. You may not agree, however, they are their children and that's how they see it. So you must respect it as much as you would like them to respect your decisions.

The more you try to see things "your way" the less successful you will be in this process. If, however, you learn how to start seeing things through other people's POV, then you'll be able to get rid of resentment and possibly save your M.

[7720]

well sent IL a nice email thanking them for the invitation and that we would love to come over...told them I would be running a race early in the morning and Daughters and I would be available after that...she said in her invation late afternoonish...so I said we would be going to the hot springs around 3ish with some friends so I would have an out if things got uncomfortable or if W didn't show up till much later. W is having a party for her friends....one is a guy that is there all the time mostly when the kids are not there...he is just a friend but it still makes me a bit uncomfortable. I think that is where most of my resentment lies but I am just going to ignore it and move on...So I am just going to go over there and be as positive and helpful as I can and then leave before I am asked to...I think W was hoping for a 4 o clock dinner but it is not up to her and knowing how she works if she says 4 she will be there at 5 and I would be sitting there with FIL watching the awkward clock tick...I think three or four hours over there is plenty....

[7720]

Being responsible parents? hmmmm....well this was kind of a hangup for us as my W does not want to work a full time job...I need her to so I can build a retirement of which I don't have very much...she does not have that urgency because her parents put money in a special retirement roth of which my name is not on....It is hard for her to see my insecurity towards this when I tell her I need to save for retirement..

There is some disconnect-- here yes I do see the parents POV but there is also something lacking....our d(11) is failing in school and I am freaking out and trying to get a game plan to turn this ship around...my W response was well if she does not work harder she will just have to take 5th grade over and she will learn her lesson! I see your view there is nothing wrong with helping someone get on their feet but if you are just giving them money and telling them to quit there job and become a full time artist....hard to see that as support....a hand up not a hand out you know all the cliche's

[MrBond]

"I see your view there is nothing wrong with helping someone get on their feet but if you are just giving them money and telling them to quit there job and become a full time artist....hard to see that as support"

Again, you have to stop seeing things from your POV. What you just posted above is the exact support that a parent gives their child. Besides it's not your money to give and not your decision. They have the right to do what they want as much as you do.

It's like the technique of validation. You understand that while you don't agree with what their doing, you understand that they are doing what they feel is right.

Two different things.

Plus, it seems like your ILs are nice enough people to invite you over. It's great that you have this support. Would you rather they cut you off? I have a feeling that if they did, you'd complain about them also. Consider it a blessing.