A month ago I came home from my brothers wedding and discovered text messages on my wife's phone that led her to admit an affair. She told me that she had "deep feelings" for this person (a co-worker who she works very closely with). I was packing my things to go to a hotel and cool off when she announced she would leave. I was so blindsided that I literally shook all night... absolute shock.
The next day, no contact. She didn't come back. A mutual friend told me that she was open to the possibility of reconciliation but did not want to communicate with me outside of a professional (couple therapist) environment. A few days later, in therapy, she had myriad complaints about our marriage which were largely a surprise to me. I really saw our marriage as a pretty happy one (together for 19 yrs, married 9, no kids). She's 38 and I'm 39.
Since then, she has gotten an apartment that she claims only she knows where it is. She stated in therapy that she would suspend the affair while we worked with the therapist. Meanwhile, she works with the affair partner all day, everyday. When I asked her how long she would be living outside of the house, she told me "a few months at least" which was devastating. I'd imagined this thing to be a fling followed by a blow up that we'd work through. In the same conversation, she dropped the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bomb and said of the affair partner that she felt she could "really talk to him" and "never knew it could be this way". She's also said other classic MLC things like "i feel like my life is half over" and "it feels like a veil has been lifted and i see things clearly now" (despite constantly claiming to be confused).
She also admitted to secretively using contraceptives to avoid getting pregnant after she told me she wanted to try to get pregnant (and we were trying, or so I though). I wonder if it was what triggered her crisis.
Its been about 4 weeks now. I've tried to give her space (not calling her, texting her, etc) but its been hard - especially at night. All of our friends are mutual, so I'm not comfortable hanging out with them to pass time. I've been trying to put up a good facade - cooking, being upbeat, claiming to be going out, etc.
We are both seeing individual therapists as well as a couples therapist. In the last week she has seemingly increased her resistance though, saying she may abandon her individual therapist and also saying she might not continue with couples therapy. Her individual therapist did mention MLC to her as well as recommending the "not just friends" book, so I worry she is getting pressure that doesn't align with her MLC and will run. She has always run from conflict.
There are some things that seem outside of the MLC norm from what I've read:
1. she's read every book that I've suggested, including "getting the love you want", "not just friends", and she's ordered "getting past the affair". she almost seems eager for information.
2. she has been coming to the house twice a week. it started as talking about the relationship but last week i made dinner and suggested we not talk about the relationship and she seemed receptive to that.
3. the other day she came to the house before i got home and did a bunch of chores (like putting bikes away for the winter, cleaning some things, etc). struck me as really strange behavior - arranging deck chairs on the titanic.
4. she has been "gifting" since the affair. money, my favorite coffee, or chocolate, etc.
This has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through and we've gone through some incredible hardships in the last 6 years (lost multiple friends in tragic circumstances). Is she in MLC? What should I be doing/looking for?
greymeadow, I'm very sorry you are here, but you are among friends. Each and every poster is on the path of discovery. Your journey has now begun and so has your wife's journey. You will not be invited on her journey through her crisis.
The best advice that I can give you for right now is give her plenty of space and time. Do not contact her unless it is an emergency or if there are bills that need her attention. The more time she has alone, the better the chances that she will miss you.
No, trying to get pregnant is not what started her crisis. What happened the last 18-24 months prior to her flipping the switch for mlc?
Do not share this site or the DB books w/her. They are the only tools that you will have to get through this. Information you receive here is not to be shared w/her at this time.
Do not discuss the relationship, marriage or reconcillation w/her at this time. These topics will push her further away from you and will give her fuel for her fire, i.e., justification for leaving you. She's not ready to discuss them w/you at this time. Stick to topics such as the weather, travel, etc.
Many of the mlcers will come "home" to clean and put things away as if they are storing them away for a holiday or season. It could very well mean that she's closing down shop, so to speak and moving on or it could also mean that she was bored to death and came over to do something nice and make sure things were neat and tidy. Be sure you let her know that you noticed and thank her.
The gifting is guilt. She's trying to find a way to make herself feel better about the affair. Many of them do this.
The journey in the land of MLC is not for the faint of heart. It is one of the hardest and longest trips that you will take. You will need to dig deeper into your inner self for patience and compassion.
What should you be doing? Be a friend, listen to her and validate and affirm her thoughts and feelings. After all, what she shares w/you is how she feels right now, even though it is memorex and not "live". Keep calls and text messages to a minmum. But most importantly, keep the focus on you and your family. Make sure you are eating, drinking plenty of fluids and getting plenty of sleep. This is the time where you should pull out that old list of things to do and get started on them.
You didn't break her, therefore, you can't fix her. The only person you can fix is yourself. There might be some things that you may want to change in your own life. If so, do them for you and make them permanent, don't change if you think that this is a way to win your wife back. Why? She will know what you are doing. If you set boundaries, stick to them, i.e., do not waffle. In order for her to learn to respect you, you have to respect yourself. Now, buckle up and get ready for the ride of your life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I believe you have found the right place. Take the advice snodderly has given you as she has been spot on with what she has given you.
This will be a journey for you also and the comments and actions you have told us here resonate with how my sitch started too.
You will no doubt have many questions on this journey and feel free to come here and ask those questions.
This is not for the faint of heart and will put you to the test once again. I am sorry you are going through this but the people here will be able to help you navigate what at first appears to be impossible to navigate. Over time you will be able to see more and will not be completely lost as you stated in your title of this thread.
I'm just so caught off guard. We were the couple that people would point to in a room and say "they have a great relationship". Now it seems like everywhere I turn in our house I see her missing.
Its hard to think of anything specific that was going on in the last 18-24 months. - I finished graduate school which meant a lot of commuting at the time (it was something she encouraged me to do as part of a desired career change). I actually drove the long commute instead of staying there to ensure that it wouldn't damage our relationship! - Her boss's mother died of a stroke but they weren't particularly close. - She got a tattoo that turned out badly and has been getting it lasered off since. This was traumatic for her - her only tattoo and she traveled far to get it, and it was a meaningful design. - We decided to finally get pregnant - which was a big deal (all of our friends did years ago but we'd been putting it off). She was concerned about her body, about responsibility of having kids, about not being able to fulfill life goals if we had kids. (no idea why she didn't just say - let's skip it - I'd expressed being open to either option).
Also, the OM is someone who she professed to hate when he first started working with her. She actually almost quit her job because he was so rude to her. This was a few years ago and she says her "feelings" for him have been going on for a year though I question that (I doubt its that long).
Sorry to see you here but you will get some great advice from some great people. Snodderly has already given you a lot of good advice.
My opinion (and it is only opinion) is that couple's therapy is pointless in an MLC type situation. The reason I think that is that the MLCer is often facing a personal internal battle. They are trying to find themselves. Or they are desperately trying to run away from who they think they've been. Or a variety of issues. Bottom line is, they are not a "whole" person. They are not a mentally healthy person. And a broken person cannot even start to contemplate the complexities of a relationship. So while I realize you are doing what you can to fix your issues, I fear that it will be for naught. I went through the same thing and think it actually only made things worse.
Originally Posted By: greymeadow
I've been trying to put up a good facade - cooking, being upbeat, claiming to be going out, etc.
This particular sentence grabbed my attention in particular. The point is not to put up a FACADE. The point is not to CLAIM to be going out. The point is to GO OUT and to DO YOUR OWN THING. This is often very hard for people to grasp. You have to take a hard look at yourself and work on yourself and actually start to live FOR YOURSELF. What are your faults? What are the legitimate areas in your life that need work? This is where your focus needs to be.
Believe me, we all know the pain and fear you are feeling right now. You're wanting to do everything and anything in order to keep your marriage intact. The best thing you can do is let her do her thing and work on yourself. It sounds completely counterintutive. It sounds wrong. It sounds like it would make things worse. And there certainly is no guarantees it will fix your relationship, but it's the only thing you can do to make sure YOU will make it through intact and a better person.
Big hugs to you Grey. This is a hard road. As Snodderly said, buckle up. But know that you're among friends here.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
The point is not to put up a FACADE. The point is not to CLAIM to be going out. The point is to GO OUT and to DO YOUR OWN THING. This is often very hard for people to grasp. You have to take a hard look at yourself and work on yourself and actually start to live FOR YOURSELF.
I hear what you are saying - its not that it is hard to grasp, its that it is hard to do. I'm just not there yet. I honestly feel like I'm doing well on the days where I get out of bed and eat something but I'm assuming that isn't news I want getting back to my wife. I tried to go out once last week but I live in a small town and after being asked "where is your wife" five times, I ran home and curled up in a ball. I will get there but it will take time.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of link
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
My opinion (and it is only opinion) is that couple's therapy is pointless in an MLC type situation. The reason I think that is that the MLCer is often facing a personal internal battle. They are trying to find themselves. Or they are desperately trying to run away from who they think they've been. Or a variety of issues. Bottom line is, they are not a "whole" person. They are not a mentally healthy person. And a broken person cannot even start to contemplate the complexities of a relationship. So while I realize you are doing what you can to fix your issues, I fear that it will be for naught. I went through the same thing and think it actually only made things worse.
I think this is incredibly wise and it has been my experience too. Thanks A.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hi Greymeadow, Sorry to read about your situation. Just a quick reply regarding Snodderly’s Quote: The gifting is guilt. She's trying to find a way to make herself feel better about the affair. Many of them do this.
About a month after my Ex W had moved in with the OM. She bought 4 candy bars and attached them to 2 of my daughters bikes that used to be parked at the hotel where ex wife worked. (the bikes were parked there for safe keeping while they caught the college bus). So I asked ‘why 4 candy bars’ (with only 3 children) in a text to her, her reply; ‘I didn’t want to miss you out.’ WTF = her guilt. 2 months later she paid a fairly large monthly paper bill that was mine to pay. I said (text) ‘I’ll pay you back.’ ‘She said its O K’. Again she paid because of her guilt.
