The only advice I can give you on detaching is you have to believe there will be someone else who can make you happy and you need to get your life straight for that person. You can hope that person is your spouse but do not have expectations.
It takes awhile to tell yourself this, I am still struggling but as more days go by, I feel confident about myself.
Your kids are also your motivation, get a life for them too. Be the best dad ever because if your spouse is willing to walk away with kids so young, they may not be the best mom.
Read up on the grieving cycle. Read up on PTSD. Learn why you are constantly cycling through thoughts.
Start doing some things for your self. Start doing some things with just the children. Could be a simple thing like take them for a walk. Or go to a coffee shop to read.
Exercise.
Pick up a self help book and work yourself through it and do the tasks.
What I am getting at here is that you need to create your own identity again.
If you used to play hockey and stopped. Pick it up again.
Stuff like that.
It is not moving on but it is you creating some space and some time so you can work through your thoughts.
It also creates mystery and it is an opportunity for her to wonder what you doing.
Detach. Does not mean ignore.
Boundaries are for you. Your wife will set her own boundaries.
They are not saved. They are lived.
A boundary you could have would be
I will not be involved with anyone who physically abuses me. So if someone broke this boundary you would remove yourself for the situation and then enforce your boundaries ( such as file a report with the police , remove that person from your life )
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
^^ Great info from Chatterbug on detaching. Lostsoul too. Here's something else that might help, it was originally posted by Peanut:
Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them.
The only advice I can give you on detaching is you have to believe there will be someone else who can make you happy and you need to get your life straight for that person.
Look in the mirror and that is the person who is responsible for your happiness. Strong, confident, in-charge and going places is very attractive.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
^^ Great info from Chatterbug on detaching. Lostsoul too. Here's something else that might help, it was originally posted by Peanut:
Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them.
Whats so hard about detachment with respect to a WAS situation, is that you still "want them". I just wanted to comment on that, and how hard it is to lose that "want them" feeling...
Had a bit of a bad moment today. Normally on Wednesdays and Thursdays, I come home from work early to watch the kids, so she can go to work. Today, it turned out she didn't have to work, but she never bothered to let me know, so I could stay get more work done. When I got home, she asked if I minded if she went to the mall with her friend, and I got annoyed with her for being so inconsiderate.
This morning something odd happened. We had a disagreement related to raising the children, which is not so unusual. But then, as I was getting ready to leave for work, I went into the older son's bedroom (where both children and my W were at the time) to give the kids a hug and a kiss goodbye. Because the older son sometimes questions why I don't kiss mommy goodbye when he notices (we haven't talked to him about the marital difficulties yet), I just gave her a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. She said "Thank you", and said that I hadn't done that much lately.
Would I be correct in interpreting this, as well as her increased willingness to cuddle lately as a good sign? Should I continue kissing her in the morning, or keep holding back?
Not much interesting happening lately. Last night she initiated a talk about our relationship, asking my why I still want to pursue it.
I answered that I still have feelings for her, though I'm not sure if I still love her or not. I told her that our old marriage is dead and gone, but that I hope we can build something better out of what's left, to the benefit of both of us and the kids. I added that going forward, we'd each need to be responsible for our own happiness, and that hopefully the marriage would serve as an enhancement to that, rather than us trying to make it the sole source.
I just gave her a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. She said "Thank you", and said that I hadn't done that much lately.
Would I be correct in interpreting this, as well as her increased willingness to cuddle lately as a good sign?
I'd say that reaction is a good sign. If she had pulled away, been stiff as a board or said something like "that was a little much" then it would be a bad sign.
Originally Posted By: Neode
Should I continue kissing her in the morning, or keep holding back?
I wouldn't every morning. Just play it by ear, if she seems receptive then go for it, otherwise maintain your distance. If she initiates then that would be a great sign.
Originally Posted By: Neode
Last night she initiated a talk about our relationship, asking my why I still want to pursue it.
Your response was good, but next time try to get her to talk. You want to be a great LISTENER.
"successful DBers are outstanding listeners. They let their spouse do 80% of the talking when there is dialog. When they speak they speak 'lovingly' with candor and honesty."
So you might have ended with "how do you feel about this?" and if she starts to open up then validate her feelings.
I am heartened to read posts like this. So much great information to take away and good validation that staying the course matters on each interaction. Thanks for sharing.
W: 40 Me: 44 M: 12 years Together: 14 Three children (S-4, D-3, S-1) EA started in April, discovered in 07/12 ILYBNILWY: 07/12 MC Started: 09/12 Patience Tested: 1,245,963 times since 07/12
