There'll be no white flag above my door-not yet La

[ces67]

Hey Bug, I think we've talked about this before. Being a recovering "nice guy" myself...

With my W, she always had such strong opinions of how things should be, and I respected her knowledge, it was easy for me to let her have her way. In some sense I thought I was doing things to make life better or happier for her. This also caused the gradual corrosion of communication and my own self-identity.

So looking at the list above I'd add way up top something about communication and the ability to recognize bad patterns of past relationships and how that's been changed for that person.

Hope you have a good weekend. I'm leaving on a jet-plane again this evening.

[bustingout]

labug this a very thought provoking thread.

I think at this point in my sitch and my development, I want to be sure that in my next R, I am emotionally mature enough and have enough self awareness to give my love in a way that is needed to the person I am with. And able to recognize the love that is being given to me without judgement.


I think I failed to see when my H was giving me love.


I also agree though, with your last point about being able to state feelings in disagreement. That would be huge. And really beat the 'huff and walk off' dance that I was used to.

Thank you for the silent auction ((((( )))))

[labug]

About the silent auction, I bid but didn't win anything. I got so busy visiting with others that I forgot to go back and check on the bids.

It was a fun evening capped off by dancing led by Uzo, who is developing therapy based on dance. Google Uzo Method, her story is interesting.

[labug]

Journaling: It happened, I had the R talk...the first in what 18mos? And it turned out much like my heart and mind had been telling me it would. It was time and I'm glad I did it. He has not moved one centimeter closer since he left. What did I have to lose?

I haven't cried yet but I will.

Just hope I can sleep tonight.

This won't be in exact order of how it happened but you'll get the gist of it.

Why did I do it? I've been really strong and good these past weeks and have felt even more sure that if I'm going to be married I would like it to be to someone who I see more than 10 times in 18 months.

Some was good DB, some not. I told him I loved him and missed him everyday and wondered if we could create a new R. He said he wished I didn't still love him and he really didn't want to try anything. He couldn't see it working, he couldn't see him wanting it to work cause he's happy with his life. I said I am also happy with my life but I couldn't see throwing away a R of 30+ years. He responded that he didn't see it as discarding it all, that a lot of it was good. (or something close to that)

A bit later he talked about not being home much and I asked what kept him busy-his answer, work, he's gone hunting a couple of times (in 18mos)and he sees his Mom on Sundays.

He also told me he never really liked being married, I said that confused me because earlier he said a lot of it was good. But I validated his feelings and agreed when he said that when he tried to express his feelings I "put him in his place." I have no idea what I said back then and I don't remember it that way, but said that I knew I didn't listen and respond as I should have. I reiterated that I knew all my faults.

I asked in light of all this, why are we still married and at first he said he didn't know. I kept silent and then he said he had figured I just wasn't ready to talk about it and he didn't want to hurt my feelings by bringing it up-or something close to that. His not wanting to hurt my feelings came up several times in the conversation.

At this point I said that he knew I had hope that he would change his mind and he agreed. But again he didn't want to hurt my feelings by talking about "it" but that he would like to get things settled and I think here he asked me what I wanted to do about "it." I said "I don't want to be divorced, that's not what I want." I asked if he had spoken to an attorney-"No, do you think we need one?" I said something like, that's for you to decide. He did say the house would be mine, which I agreed to because it's been my responsibility since he moved. He then asked about the trailer and his truck. I replied that I wasn't making any decisions as I was still trying to come to terms with all this. He brought up his tools, which I told him when he asked in Jan that he could collect. I've been free storage as he'll have to pay for a storage space for them.


At one point he told me things had been bad since S19 was born (I now know it was PPD-undiagnosed). But I was incredulous and said "You were that unhappy for 20 years" "Well, no, things got better but then it got bad again."

I also truth darted him a bit about his years of unhappiness which included some great vacations and other times with the kids, buying the trailer and taking the vacations we did without the kids and making plans for our future after the kids were grown. He was then back to "it wasn't all bad."

But in the end he doesn't miss seeing me, he doesn't miss talking to me. His words.(here come the tears)

There was more and some of it might have sounded a bit like pleading to reconsider.

So I finished up by saying "Good luck, I guess I'll hear from you. I won't contact you. I love you." It's the truth and realistically, I may never see him again, at least not for a long time. Again, what did I have to lose.

And those words aren't going to doom any chances for Reconciliation because there was never a chance.

I did call him on something tho. I used to sometimes roll my eyes when I was in disagreement. P/A, I know. But he did that several times tonight and I realized he has always done it, I was just used to it. I reminded him how much he hated it and asked him not to do it.

Somewhere in the conversation he said "I hoped we could be friends." I was feeling like everything he told me for the last 15 years had been a lie and he wants to be my friend.

I politely declined. That may change in time but not now. I have plenty of friends.

I'm not sorry I did this.

[labug]

One more thing, when I brought up that he knew I have held out hope all this time and that his being so agreeable just added to that (my expectations, I know) I asked why he never asked me to stop emailing or contacting him. Answer, he didn't want to be mean.

Or am I the only one who thinks this is crazy-making.

Can't wait for IC appt Monday.

[labug]

Or am I the only one who thinks this is crazy-making?

[jks]

Or am I the only one who thinks this is crazy-making?

No, Labug, not at all. You have been the absolute strongest woman you could be throughout this entire ordeal. And what was he? A coward! He didn't want to hurt your feelings?? So he stayed M to you and didn't say a word to you about how he was feeling only to AVOID... for 18 months!! I relate to this so much because I can hear my H saying the exact same words. And I was left in the dark on so many occasions as well... for so many years. It isn't fair and it isn't healthy. So now you realize that and know what you want in a future R. I'm guessing someone who isn't afraid to voice what they're truly feeling? Someone who can be open with you and enjoys being around you?

You are amazing, Labug. I seriously can feel myself being where you are. I know the feelings you're going through. The thought of having to figure out who gets what... when all you want to think about is... how is this happening? And does it really need to happen?

I know you'll get through this in due time and we'll all be here to help you through. ((((Labug)))

[RegretfulLA]

Bug, you are such a strong woman. Your head and heart are in the right places. I am sorry this is happening to you. Even though he's been gone all this time, it still hurts.

I agree with what jks says. Your H thinks he's doing you a favor but really, if he wants to move on he should just move on. And then you will be able to as well, in time.

big hugs.

[Soul.Searching]

I'm sorry Labug. He still sounds really confused. ((( )))

[theUF]

Sorry labug. Tough conversation.