New here but ran into the site recently and a lot of the info looks good. I’m about half way through the DB book (just past 180 deg section) and it’s making sense because what I’ve been trying obviously isn’t working (or I wouldn’t be here). Here’s my story
My wife and I have been married 15 years and together for 20. Met freshman year of college, moved in together our sophomore year, so basically went from parents to each other. We both bring a lot of baggage into the marriage and we’ve dealt with it since the start. My dad walked out on us when I was 3 and I never really got over it. I had all the symptoms of growing up without a dad: fear of abandonment, control issues, lack of trust, and not knowing what a husband/ man should act like. My mom over-compensated in raising me and always made me feel like I was right which led to me having a rather large ego and always feeling like I was right and everyone else around me needed to change to see it my way (many of these things are new revelations, more on this later). Since my mom raised me I’m more talkative about feelings and emotions then most guys. Rather than stonewall an argument I’d much rather get it all out and work through the issue. Both my wife’s parents are alcoholics and have been since she was born. She grew up as a codependent (never rock the boat, better to lie then hear the lectures, shut down if questioned rather than voice her opinion, doesn’t show feelings (emotionless) and she never really received love from either parent). Her dad was also a control freak and most consider him a narcissist. She also tends to see the negative side of things and rarely remembers anything good. About 4 years ago her parents and my wife had a big blow up and they haven’t talked since which has been tough on her because it split up their family. Her older sister sided with parents to stay in the money and her younger sister chose her because she felt same way about the parents.
Obviously you can see that our issues don’t gel well together (talk vs stonewall, trust issues vs lying, control vs. feeling controlled, etc…). Somehow we’ve managed to stay together for 15 years of marriage and are raising 2 great kids (D7 and S4). Our parenting strategies work very well together and it’s a strength of our marriage.
About 8 years ago I almost filed for divorce because she was having an emotional affair with a guy from her work. She came back and stopped talking with him, we got pregnant (well she did), and the marriage eventually went back to normal but we didn’t really resolve any issues. I had lost some trust that I’m not sure I ever regained. About 2 years ago we were struggling in our marriage and our D kept asking about church. My wife’s friend convinced us to go to a service and it changed our lives. Felt like they were talking directly to us and we’ve been going ever since. She never was religious before and her parents are atheists; I was raised in church but never had a relationship with Jesus (I knew the stories but that’s all they were to me). Within 6 months we were both saved and this April we were baptized together. We are in small groups, active in the church community, volunteer together, everything and I felt like it was making us a stronger couple. The underlying issues were there but felt like we were making things work.
In June we celebrated our 15 year anniversary on a weekend cruise and had a great time together. Three weeks ago we went to Chicago with family and had a good time. When we got back she told me she was getting coffee with a female friend one morning. I was driving by a Starbucks she doesn’t go to and there she was walking outside with a guy. Obviously I was enraged. I stopped the car, told her to get in, and completely went off. Telling her I thought we were done with all this, asked how could I ever trust her again, etc… I went away that weekend and when I got back on Sunday night she told me she had filed for divorce. Since then my life has been a roller coaster. She swears the guy is just a friend. I know where she is most of the time (either home, work, or with kids) so I honestly don’t think anything physical has happened but obviously something isn’t right. She said she lied because she didn’t want to rock the boat and have to answer questions of why she was going for coffee with a guy.
The last 3 weeks I’ve done some heavy internal reflection and I now realize a lot of my issues (a lot listed above) which no matter what she had said before I never really saw. The biggest one was that I always thought she was so screwed up that once her counselors got through to her she would see how great a guy I was and everything would be fine. I now know that’s absurd. I have a ton of issues that I should have been working on all these years. I was really hard on myself after realizing these things but now I know them and am truly working on them. I’m also scared to death for my kids because they are both very happy and think we have the perfect family. My wife is in denial and thinks they’ll be just fine and divorce will only affect them for a couple weeks.
So last week I read her 2 lists, 1 with the things I felt like I had done wrong and was responsible for in the marriage. This is the list I’m currently working on improving myself and I apologized to her (almost cried while reading it because it makes me sick). This list was a LOT longer than I expected it to be. The 2nd list is things that I admire about her. I’ve never really provided her much feedback and according to her I’ve beaten her down over the years instead of built her up. I feel some is me and some is the way she reacts to situations is just very different than how I do. That night she seemed very receptive and was nice the next day. 2 days later I wrote her a letter reiterating what I was working on, how I saw what our new marriage could be, and asked for another chance. I asked if we could start couples counseling because she was dead set against it. The next day she told me she still has no interest in counseling or reconciling. She said her tank is empty and she has nothing left to give. I don’t think she’s ever really tried and she has admitted as much during other conversations because she doesn’t want to get hurt or end up in her parent’s marriage. Her cousin just got divorced from an alcoholic, dead beat dad and she said he did all the same stuff after she filed (letters, promises to change, etc…) so she thinks this is just a ploy by me to get control again. She also said it was a slap in the face that it took her filing for divorce for me to finally want to change. I know I’ve screwed up and should have shown her more love and given her the support she’s needed. I told her I can’t explain why it took this and I said I wish I could change the past but I can’t, I can only work on today and the future.
On top of all this my wife has a disease that limits her (sometimes very exhausted, always tired, muscle soreness, etc…) so I do a lot of the daily chores around the house. I don’t mind doing them and I’m scared if she goes through divorce she will get really run down. I think she’s in a MLC because she keeps saying she doesn’t want her parents marriage, she wants freedom, and doesn’t want to be married/ tied down to anyone.
What should I do? We’re still living together and neither of us plans to move before the divorce is final (at least 160 days away). I started seeing a Christian counselor to work through my issues. I’ve also started reading a lot of self-help books (DB, 5 love languages, Changes That Heal, and of course the Bible). I’m praying all the time and I feel strength from God but still have a lot of emotionally bad days. My Christian friends have been extremely supportive and I talk to at least one of them every day. She wants nothing to do with me and every time I try to talk or ask her about anything she gets mad. She’s also distancing herself from kids when I’m around. I know I should give her space but it’s so hard. I didn’t mention I’m an engineer and my normal function is to fix things (which also pisses her off). I was thinking of being normal when kids are around (they have no idea on any of this) and when they go to bed go to different floor and not talk to her; I’ll just read, workout, whatever. I also thought I’ll plan more things to do with kids and just tell her we’re going and let her decide to come or not. I also considered stopping chores and make her do more stuff that I’ve normally been doing but I hate the idea of her suffering physically because stress affects her illness.
To be clear I want to save my marriage and show my wife that I am changing. I want to finally show her support and serve her to give her the freedom to be who she wants to be. I don’t want to manipulate or fake anything. [censored] I now realize what I had when I’m about to lose it. I don’t even care about the other guy so please don’t tell me they’re having an affair because if they are I just blame myself for not being man she needs and will feel even worse.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
