Oh, meant to add, that you should merely state these things to her... not pressure her... not argue with her about them. You simply communicate them to her and tell her to take her time to consider it. To let you know if and when she wants to commit to those things. I bolded 'wants' because it won't work if she feels that she is forced to do it, even if it is just an implied pressure from you.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I agree. I'd also bring Make M a Priority at the top of the list along with NC with OM.
I was wondering about that myself and I thought it might be a good idea to ask your W to come up with a list as well. I kind of thought of a "What I would like from you" list as well as a "I think this is what I need/am prepared to do" list. Both spouses would generate such lists and exchange them and then discuss them. How does that sound?
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Denver and Arsene, thanks for the input. I did ask her what she wants / needs. I so believe in equality and know this isn't a one sided scenario. So it sounds great. As far as working out together, no big pressure thing. It's something she asked me to do before but rarely would unless she dragged me along (eg walks). She can keep her zumba all to herself as I doubt I could do that.
M should be at the top. And NC with OM for me was a given, but added it on here so you all knew it. .
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
It's great you're creating this list. Be specific, and think about why each item is important to you. Ask yourself how much you'd be willing to compromise.
However, and this is key, you should not start talking about this list until you are both ready. She is not there yet. The day she says she wants the M to work--consistently, that's when she'll be ready.
I remember my H created this list of things for him to stay in the M shortly after I had received the emails from the OW telling me they had stayed in touch even after he had moved back into the house. I said to myself, is he kidding? How dare he give me this list when I can't even trust him? So timing is really important.
Anyway, my point is, focus on the important stuff and wait till the time is right.
Also, continue being cautious in regard to the OM. When my H moved back into the house, he used to call the OW "crazy parking lot woman," "Voldermnort," and other names like that, but he was emailing her/texting her via Skype behind my back...
Just a thought. Have you considered the Retrouvaille retreat? It's been talked about around here quite a bit for a while and I read up on it. It sounds good and it might be something which could re-ignite the flame, or at least give you guys some tools to work on your R.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
That's what I thought Tumbling. Just wanted to make sure.
Arsene, I've looked at it, I'd do it. If and when W is ready to work on the M, I may suggest it at some point, but she may be turned off by the religious undertone of it.
Tori, I keep reminding myself to try to go slowly. I know she's still in some contact. She said something the other day about how she wants to remain his friend on FB so she can watch him struggle / crash in flames or something to that effect. I will NOT agree to that. She tricked me into allowing them to be FB friends once and look where that got me.
It sounds good and it might be something which could re-ignite the flame
Flame = Fire.
Fire = Fuel(common values/goals/love/desires) + Oxygen (space,boundaries) + Heat (attraction)
Women don't love men they can't respect. Being someones second choice has consequences. Be in charge of your actions. Too many confuse patience with time, patience is a mindset. Taking healthy actions requires no patience. Choose to thrive thru this instead of holding on to survive. Your sitch can change quickly when you start a fire in your life.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Hi afa75, keep treading slowly. Come sit with us on the blanket...:-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Afa you once told me to tread lightly It made me think of Yeats - here is a misquote for you:
"Tread lightly for you tread on your dreams"
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
