The green green grass of home

[subguy]

Thanks Tumbling. MKB, I replied to you on your thread. I think you meant that for the other SS.
I'm really not doing good at all. The past few days have been so hard. I have not been contacting H. I'm just not doing good at all. Even just half an hour of being around people and doing my best to be okay, Just leaves me so exhausted and emotional. I curled up on my bed today and just sobbed and sobbed. This crying thing really [censored].
The pain is just so intense. Im trying so hard to GAL but everything is just such a huge effort lately.
My head tells me to run for the hills but my heart just can not let go. I don't want to be with anybody else. I want my H back, he is the one I love.
To be honest, I looked at a few dating sites but I just can not do it. H still has my heart and I want it back. I don't want to let him use it as a trampoline anymore.

I just do not know how to pick myself up. Honestly my emotional energy has been low for a while, years even. I think always trying to please H and failing took its toll. It's at an all time low right now. I just do not enjoy anything ATM and I don't know what to do about it.
Im so so lost. I'm trying so hard but it feels like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

I resent him for the fact that he left, just when things were easing off financially. Now I'm broke and struggling to pay the bills and children's activity expenses. He is able to go out and buy himself new clothes and go out drinking and whatever else. I resent the fact that he is not helping me financially. He always tells me if I need anything for the kids to ask. Every time I do, he tells me he hasent got the money that week because of X,Y. Or Z. Yet he has money to buy the kids things or tell me he brought new clothes etc. That really hurts.

I'm stuck in the mud and I don't know how to climb out. Stupid mud.

I know how you are feeling LIKE A PIECE OF TRASH THROWN AWAY. Well I need to stop with the poor pitiful me act and get on with my life. I am not trash and neither are you. You are beautifully made and someone will recognize your value.

[Crazyville]

SS, undoubtedly this is very hard, but I KNOW you'll come out of this! I get that it takes a lot of emotional energy to get out and socialize with other people, but it's important to do it anyway.

Think of your emotional energy as a muscle. When you use a muscle a certain way all the time, it gets very good at that one movement but not very good at anything else. Making that muscle to something different is awkward, difficult, and oftentimes painful. But eventually, you train the muscle in a new way and it is no longer painful.

If you look at your emotional energy like that, then it makes sense that what you've always been doing was comfortable and natural. Now that you're trying to do something different, your emotional energy is rebelling because it's hard work to change, especially something that has been part of your life for so long. But once you get through it, once you train your emotional energy to do something different, it won't be so hard, and will even start to feel good and natural. But like exercise, it's not easy and not something you can do once or twice. It has to be a daily thing.

The thing is, you shouldn't even want your H back right now. You did not have a healthy M. I think he was not a good H to you. Sometimes you even see that yourself, I think. Use this time to retrain your emotional energy and your thought processes. Take advantage of every social opportunity to exercise a new way. And when you do good, then you need to really, REALLY commend yourself. Because you will deserve it.

I wish I could flip a switch in you and have you do a 180 across the board. Think of Olivia Newton-John in grease. I believe your H is using you as a cushion for himself right now, keeping you handy so he can bounce off you whenever it gets tough for him. I think you should go dark for a while, and stop being his "friend" through this. He should have to eat the poison apple alone.

[AnotherStander]

The pain is just so intense. Im trying so hard to GAL but everything is just such a huge effort lately.

So sorry you're in so much pain I was there too, I could not believe how painful it was. It can't really even be described to someone that hasn't been through it, like the very core of your being has been shredded. I also remember nothing anyone told me helped, a lot of people said "it will get better" and it DID get better, but that was no consolation to me at the time. All I can tell you is don't fight the pain and grief, just let it happen and deal with it as best you can. It'll be over quicker if you don't try to fight it. And as miserable as I was, I feel great now only a few months later! I really thought my life was over, and in a way my old life is over. But there's much more to be lived yet, and it's going to be even better!

My head tells me to run for the hills but my heart just can not let go. I don't want to be with anybody else. I want my H back, he is the one I love.

And you may very well end up back together, don't forget that DB often does restore marriages! It's not going to happen quickly, but there's hope for as long as you choose it.

To be honest, I looked at a few dating sites but I just can not do it.

It's too soon for that. You're barely 2 months since BD, I'm over 5 months and it's still too soon for me. It takes a while to get there. Just deal with your grief first, that can come later.

H still has my heart and I want it back. I don't want to let him use it as a trampoline anymore.

This too comes with time. As you emerge from the grief you'll start working more on your GAL and PMA and you'll get your heart back under your control.

He always tells me if I need anything for the kids to ask. Every time I do, he tells me he hasent got the money that week because of X,Y. Or Z. Yet he has money to buy the kids things or tell me he brought new clothes etc. That really hurts.

Well that's got to stop, have you talked to an L? Your H needs to be paying his fair share to help out.

Just be patient, let the grief happen, and come here to talk about it! Good luck!

[Soul.Searching]

Thank you CV and AS
CV, I am trying I do go out but usually just to family members and such. Not having any money makes things a lot harder, I think.
I haven't had my hair done in sooo long because I just can not afford it. I'd like to go and get a message, again I can not afford it. I wanted to take the children to the beach last weekend but once again I couldn't afford it.
I'm looking in to courses and hoping I can get government help to pay for one. I just have no idea what I want to do right now but the only way I can get a job that pays enough is to get some qualifications. I love IT but have no idea what I could do in IT.

Thanks, AS, I know it will get better but I look at some people here, still in a similar place as I am and they have been here for years. That just scares me.

No I haven't talked to a L, Things are different here. Child support is something you have to fill in a form and the government decided what the S has to pay, depending on both wages and the care agreement on the children. They also take out a living amount first. Because H doesn't earn that much, He won't have to pay me much at all. I have sent in the forms but have not started receiving anything yet.
It won't make much of a difference anyway because I will probably loose some of my government payment. I have only been getting between 9 to 12 hours a week at work because "I'm not the right personality" any more.
We don't own a house and have agreed on who will take what, So there will probably not even be a L involved at all.
We just have to wait a year, Once the year is up he can file and then they make a date in court and finalise it, Even if one S does not agree or turn up.

Oh and CV, I'm not a cushion. H has gone dark on me, dark kinda cold and very business like. I just feel so helpless.

[MrBond]

I must have missed it. Where do you live and are you working?

[Soul.Searching]

Hi Mr Bond. For some reason when I see your username, a deep voice pops in to my head and says " Bond, James Bond " lol

To answer your questions, Australia and I'm working in the fast food industry.
Thanks for stopping by. I have seen your comments around the board are they are always very insightful.

[Soul.Searching]

I'm SO So stuck right now, I just don't know what to do. H turned up about an hour before the kids finished school. H laid on the bed and just cuddled me for about 40 mins or so. We talked just in general. I know, i know the cake. I just want him so bad.

Well there is this stupid W on FB who likes nearly everything he puts up. Well i just seen she tagged him on Monday saying they had a great day together. H called me Monday saying he was shopping alone.

I just so want to call him and ask him who she is etc,..

I know i shouldn't. I'm so screwed up right now.

[Arsene]

I can't give you any 2X4s. If W was to do that, I'm pretty sure I'd fall for it too.

[Soul.Searching]

I'll give myself a 2x4! (Warning, may contain language)
The stupid prick comes over here an hour early unannounced, Tried to open the door and when it was locked, bashes on it. The prick used to get agro all the time if he came home and the door was locked. Really Arse hole?! if I feel more safe with the door looked, I'll damn well lock it. If I go outside to hang clothes on the frigen line I will lock the door, so I feel my children are safe. Awww, Poor little basted has to wait a min for the door to be unlocked.

Tells me he likes how I changed the room, it looks really good and has heaps more room. HELLO Dick wad, that was my suggestion months ago but it was stupid because the bed is no longer in the centre of the stupid room!

Lays down on my bed and decides to put his head on my chest, knowing I always give him a head rub when he does that. F**KING scratch your own darn head Arse face!

Asks me to go with him to pick the kids up! OH yeah, lets play happy family's. I'll be the Mum and you be the crazy arse basted who bailed on his family and comes to get his fix.

SOOO I checked out that skank's profile on another site and boo hoo, she is a single mother of three kids, looking to settle down with someone who loves her for her and loves her kids. Someone who will take her out for dinner and a few drinks.
I'll tell you what if i could stab someone through a computer, i think i would have just done it.

F**KING whore bag, has obviously been through [censored] herself and yet the ho, can still date a married man! One who has been separated a little over two months. How low can you go?!?

I freaking deserve a hell of a lot better than this. Screw him! The F**KING moron could have had it all but he f**king threw it all away. Stupid cow, want to like every time my H has MY kids. She can get her skanky arse away from them.

F++king low life pieces of [censored]. OH yeah,... I think I'm actually feeling that anger this time. I would love to punch both of their faces in, slam their heads together and rub their faces in dog chit.

Actually, can I change my mind and smash the 2X4 in to their faces instead?

[Soul.Searching]

You gotta be freaking kidding me! the skank has a D with the same name as MY D Really? How freaking twisted!!! ARRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH