my last thread was locked. this new one is about being strong enough to really look at my own stuff... and i welcome your honest feedback as i unpack.. no pretending that things look good on me, that don't... ok?
JOURNAL
strange evening last night. (for newcomers, my W filed the D papers and i was notified last week..)..
W came by to drop something off. She handed it to me, looked around awkwardly and left. I went outside and asked her if she wanted to come in.. she said that i was stand-offish and she did not think i wanted her to.. but she came in, she was crying..
we sat down and she was still crying and i told her that everything is okay (thinking she was feeling badly about filing), she said that she knows and said she had a lot of stress with work.. i asked her how she liked her new job and she said that she doesn't.. i just listened and validated that she is talented and will be successful whatever she chooses..
she asked me about my birthday and i was able to tell her about some of the fun things i have been doing..
we talked about her family and she teared up again about a family member..then she mentioned how she was looking for an apartment and was staying with friends currently..
she started to tear up again and i asked her if she was okay.. she said that it made her sad and happy to be here (in what was our home, now mine) bc of the happy memories.. i made a joke about the memory of her hanging the kitchen cabinets (a crazy project where she ended up using the car jack to lift one of the cabinets.)
she left shortly after..
i realize now that, thought i did not mention the R, i did try to control things in subtle ways.. and that is something i need to work on. i am going to work on being more aware of how i do this in all my Rs... and try to go underneath to see the fears there.
i must admit to being slightly ungrounded by our conversation last night.. i thought she looked and sounded unhappy and i need to be careful to not project anything on her.. and instead of deciding how she feels, just say "isn't that interesting?" and turn back to focusing on ME
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Hey NG- My w just filed for divorce and I was notified last week as well. She has been out of the marital home for 15 months and we had been working on a separation agreement which she initially offered 50/50 custody and was giving me the house.
She is now filing for full custody and she wants the house.
My wife left me a message last night and was crying and told me she had been crying all night and wanted to let me know as our kids were upset about it. She did not tell me why.
My first instinct was to call her to see what was wrong and to see if there is anything I can do but I refrained. She has done so much damage and I have no trust towards her. She is going to have to get through this on her own as am I.
My advice is to be careful and not believe much if anything of what you hear from her. She is responsible for her actions and how she feels so try not to take on any of that burden and keep the focus on you.
I love your new thread and the place you are going towards. Again..very inspiring...keeping the focus on bettering ourselves.
How come you feel you were trying to subtly control things?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
My first instinct was to call her to see what was wrong and to see if there is anything I can do but I refrained. She has done so much damage and I have no trust towards her. She is going to have to get through this on her own as am I.
My advice is to be careful and not believe much if anything of what you hear from her. She is responsible for her actions and how she feels so try not to take on any of that burden and keep the focus on you.
Best
Thank you for sharing your wisdom, so so true.. I am sorry to hear that your W filed too and especially to hear that she is changing things up that were previously agreed upon. It is so hard to trust when things like that happen. I have not had any surprises yet in the D papers but there is much more to go.. It sounds like you are doing well at keeping your focus on you right now. Thank you for the example. (((((( ))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
How come you feel you were trying to subtly control things?
Thank you Busting!
I realized later that I did in a few subtle ways:
When she brought up an alcohol problem of a friend, I mentioned how a lot of lesbians seem to drink a lot (not very well disguised poke about OW and I even mentioned something about "that crowd" being drinkers..oops)
Under that same topic, I was mentioning how Pema talks about how we run to something to feel better versus sit with our feelings (and honestly, I was just sharing, but W could have taken it wrong and it was just not the right context to share that.. i started to not feel genuine and changed the subject.)
Also, she was talking about an R that involved someone cheating on/leaving their W and children.. I just said that it was messy but I felt like the look on my face precluded any real communication.
I am just checking myself and realizing that at times I am subtly sending messages to control how W thinks about me, our sitch, her actions, etc..
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
It would be so much easier to come here and talk about how your W was sad and speculate about her, mind-read, get your hopes up, etc. Yet you come here and you analyze YOUR behavior, YOUR intentions, YOUR motives.
You inspire me, you know that, right? Thanks for sharing of yourself.
You are doing fine, just fine. Keep up the good work!
(((((NG)))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
As I've reviewed my Friday convo with H, I've critiqued myself a lot and will continue to do so with the help of my IC. I want to be better than I am now.
But I know I stopped myself several times from saying things that were blaming, shaming. I also had a pep talk with myself before "don't shrug your shoulders" "don't use that 'What are you, stupid?' look" "don't roll your eyes" and for the most part, I think I followed through on that.
That's growth. And your realizations show growth. Just recognizing those things is a huge step, don't you agree?
It seems we're have similar reflections.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
(((((NG))))) Yes, good job keeping the focus on you. And it's hard not to want to fix things for her. I appreciate the reminder to look for the subtle ways we try to control things.
And Bug - "don't use that 'What are you, stupid?' look" Ooh, I'm afraid P's still getting too many glimpse's of that. What am I, stupid?????
Grace, I admire your constant vigilance at trying to be a better person. However, you will never be perfect. Go easy on Grace. She's been through a lot and needs nurturing. :-)
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
LOL Bug. I did use that "do you have any idea what you are saying?" incredulous look when she talked negatively about the cheating/WAS. OOPS
SS, thank you for your concern, that was sweet. I feel strong enough to really look at myself with an eye for who i really want to be... it feels empowering.
KG, thank you for kind words.. TBH, I must admit that I am struggling today with a "shifting focus" and needed to remind myself today to not glance over at the castle and wonder what is going on, that our party on the blanket is where I need to be..
and that is why, SD, I need to just say "isn't that interesting" over and over until I think nothing else except... isn't this picnic fun..
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
