So I just saw this on another members thread, they had found it and reposted it from a past thread they were reading. I thought it was great so figured id repost it:
The poster was JenJam.
Registered: 05/18/06 Posts: 965 Loc: Surrey, UK OK, also wanted to post what worked for me - most of it will be a rehash of DR, but I thought I'd put it here as a real world example. JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:
1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D -SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself -write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.
OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're readin this and thinknig your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once.
_________________________ Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married) Sept 07 2005 Seperated Sept Oct 2005 H moved back Nov 2005, things still bad May 2006 - found this site Oct 2006 - H recomitted April 2007 - I began to feel normal again
M: 25 W:23 M: 4 years T: 10 years S:5 S1 BD: 8/20/12 Sep: 11/12
so im finding that its really hard to detach or go dark when you have kids. between the kids school, daycare, the transition of them between us all makes it hard to detach. add in the fact that during this time of year we have to talk about kids and family presents it seems im always speaking with my W or she is calling me. and everytime i speak with her it seems to put me down, and with that comes me wondering what shes doing, where shes at, ect. i guess in time it will all get better, but during this time of year its hard, its hard with the fact i seem to always find myself speaking with her and hard because my S5 absolutly loves this time of year because the fact he get a ton of mommy and daddy time, whether it be christmas movies or walks at night looking at christmas time. anyways thought id do a little venting.
M: 25 W:23 M: 4 years T: 10 years S:5 S1 BD: 8/20/12 Sep: 11/12
Just read up on your thread mAstersolo, and just realized you and you're w are about the same age as me and my eX. Also you've been together for about the same time as me and my eX.
It is hard to imagine how a life without them will look like after all this time together. In the end I think it will be fine either way. I have a close friend who went through this a couple years ago, he was chrushed. TOTALLY. Almost to the point where I though he would never be consolable. It took him a long time to recover, but now his whole life has taken a 180 and he is very happy with his present situation.
Listen to what people say about not believing what your W says. My X is the same, some days nice and happy and other days treat me like the bubonic plague. Downright mean and disrespectful. Happy to be rid of me etc. Meanwhile her spotify feed(which I unsubscribed, but still shows for some reason) is full of heartbreak songs from time to time. Lyrics like "Couldn't see what was right in front of me. And now that I'm alone all I have is the emptiness of being free"
So detach from the crazyness for the time being and focus on you, go mONstersolo and GAL!
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
yea im having a really really hard time imagining life without my W, i do realize it will all be ok in time, i know time heals all. but i look at my baby boys i just sit here and think "wow they deserve to have both mommy and daddy together forever" i think what am i showing my children about love and marriage if i get divorced? that when things got tuff we gave up... that marriage isnt forever, that you can come and go ina marriage as you please. especially when my W and i dont have huge things wrong in our relaionship. so i sit here and really dont want to imagine my life without her. but with that being said i know i cant control her emotions and i cant MAKE her be with me, so in retrospect i have to start to control what i can control... which is me. i know not to believe anything she says right and only half of what she does, but tonight i really backslid... i had a bumper fall on my head which caused me to have to have staples in my head and stitches in my forehead and eyebrow. so i really didnt want my son to have to see looking all swollen and bruised so i asked her if she could keep the kids (i was supposed to get them sunday night and have them through friday). my wife has had a crazy schedule so she is having to get up really early and get home late with picking and dropping the kids off. so with that she is getting frustrated (since this has been going on she has had very little patients with anything, especially the kids)anyways she called me tonight asking if she thought i would look better by tomorrow night(tuesday) because she had to be to work at 6 am so it would be hard for her to get up early and get he kids to where they need to be. i told her there is no way ill look any better and she just started to go off on me. telling me shedidnt want to deal with my BS and she just wants this to be over so we can go our separate ways and what not. i found my self asking her if that ment she wanted a divorce, she said not really. but i kept on diving into things. especially the way she treats my S5, she talks so eman to him and cusses at him and it just pisses me off. so i just told her that he is having a hard time and to please not cuss and what not, but she didnt want to hear it saying there under her care so dont worry about it, and the reason my son acts how he does is 90% my fault because with my job situation ive had him 90% of the time. anyways i ended up doing alot of trying to reason with her and telling her i care about her and care about her well being and just wish she would calm down and not be so rude to me and the kids and whatnot. i should have just validated her feelings and left it at that but i found myself just wanting to talk.
christmas is going to be interesting to say the least... still not sure what i should do about a gift for her... or if i should
M: 25 W:23 M: 4 years T: 10 years S:5 S1 BD: 8/20/12 Sep: 11/12
We've all backslid and all you can do is learn from it so it hopefully doesn't happen again and try not to beat yourself up. Just get back on the DB horse.
I was also struggling with Christmas gifts but decided to get her a couple things from kids and nothing addressed from me. My reasoning is if she doesn't get me anything then it's not awkward and if she does then I'm acting "as if" I've moved on. Not sure if it's the correct thing to do but I'm done stressing about it so I feel ok about it.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
well... im finding myself a little down today... i havnt seen my kids in almost 6 days and its really getting to me. the W hates me and i cant seem to shake that either. its like ill be fine then i see something whether it be on tv or on the side of the road or on facebook and it reminds me of my W, or of what i once had and what i want again... today has been difficult and its still morning... im kinda not sure what more to do, i try my best to not contact my W, i try to stay busy, do what i can to GAL. but nothing is helping my sitch or the way i feel... maybe my head is that messed up from this? i didnt even call my son last night to say goodnight because i felt like thats my still being around and how can my W miss me if she can speak with me. its like she is happy im doing my own thing because she is really enjoying do her own thing. i see her so damn happy and content on her little happy go lucky new "single life". when we have talked and ive asked her what she is up too she says "well its none of your business because your not apart of my life now" or "its none of your concern because ive moved on". i guess thats apart of detaching... not really caring what they say and what there doing... but willi get to that point? because eventho im doing everything i can to detach in the back of my mind i still want this relationship. the other day my son was eating dinner and out of the blue was like "daddy this isnt fair" and iwas like whats not fair buddy? he said "you and momma not being home together". that type of stuff just kills me inside. and makes me want the relationship that much more. i guess im in need of a pick me up... damn
M: 25 W:23 M: 4 years T: 10 years S:5 S1 BD: 8/20/12 Sep: 11/12
so life has got really confusing... we are still switching between the house a week at a time(i get the house and kids for a week then she does). W pretty much this whole time has been really hateful, bitter, easily irritated, and so forth. she even contacted an attorney about divorce and we were supposed to go talk to her to see if she could just mediate rather then us get attorneys so we could save money. that was supposed to be last friday (a week ago). when i called my W to see what time and where she said she will just reschedule because she didnt feel like going. sooooo that night (friday) i get a phone call then 2 texts at about 12:35 at night from her saying how she misses my touch and will always love me but doesnt think i can change and be what she wants. This caught me way way off guard because she hasnt said anything emotional to at all this whole time. then on saturday i asked if she would like to go to dinner, she said she had already made plans with her grandparents and brother but maybe tomorrow. so i said thats fine. so the next day (sunday) we took our kids to omsi then she asked if we were going to dinner. i said yes if you would like to. anyways we went to dinner and had a GREAT time, great talk, everything. we started talking about us, the past, the present, the future. she shared how much she really misses me and loves me, and i told her my feelings which were the same. she even started to tear up and cry. she said that is the first time she had cried through this whole time. we ended up going to to get our kids together and stayed at the house together for the first time in a long time. we made love and cuddled all night. i honestly felt loved for the first time in a long time. the next morning/day was like we were back together. i got to come home and do dinner, help with the kids and what not. she was sick a few days so i was able to take care of her. then on that Wednesday she said she wanted to talk about things. this is where im confused, when i got home she said she still wants to be separated because she doesnt want to get back together for the wrong reasons (just because she misses her family/ misses being comfortable / lonely). so she wanted me to go back to my moms and get back on the schedule we were on. tho she has been way way nicer to me as far as our talks go and she asked if i wanted to go to the auto show this weekend. so with all that being said im so confused...... she acts like she wants to get back together, then tells me she still wants her space... at least she isnt being so mean. i guess im just being patient and waiting things out. this just kinda [censored] because its playing with my heart, not just for the relationship with her but because my S5 and S1 were so happy to see us together those nights doing all the family stuff. anyways any advice would be great!!! Thanks!!!!!
M: 25 W:23 M: 4 years T: 10 years S:5 S1 BD: 8/20/12 Sep: 11/12
