Yep- Tori - You seem to have a pretty good gauge on where I am.
Today was a good day but a sad day. Lots of GAL'ing. Lunch with great friends and just spent time hanging out. Then home and a Christmas dinner/church with D's. We had a wonderful time. The D's also had a snow day today so that made them happy!
I was a bit sad though. Miss my S. Talked to him but still.
Not too many thoughts of H. That's good. Otherwise just a pretty easy day. Tomorrow I intend to sleep in a bit then we are going to the library. lol I have a 4 day weekend and I intend to spend it in a book.
Not sure if I mentioned it but the D's do not want to celebrate Xmas here without S. So we aren't going to. FIL did finally stop and invite the D's to Xmas Eve up there. Of course, never spoke to me. No matter. I didn't ever intend to spend time up there anyway. H has never contacted D's one way or the other. My assumption is that he will see them there.
It really really really bothers me that he neglects them, imo. I guess I also sort of take it as another rejection of me. They all look like me and of course we are very close.
H now tends to just act like things are hunky dory like we are friends when I see him. It's horrifying to me. I feel like with friends like that I certainly don't need enemies. It seems to be the ultimate denial on his part. Oh well. It really doesn't matter. I just keep trying to maintain distance.
I remain upset with the relationship or lack of relationship he has with the D's. I never say anything to him or them. Frankly, I do not want to draw their attention to it and I have learned that if I say anything to him he automatically rebels against anything I say and gets angry then uses the anger to say see what you've done. So no point in giving him that opportunity. I guess I will just let it ride.
The holidays are hard. :-( Hope you guys are feeling less melancholy than I am.
I forgot to tell that at visitation H was all joking around walked over and was standing by me. That sort of thing. Smiling at me. Sometimes it does still make me angry. I never act on that anger I never say anything but it's a feeling of you callous jerk. I still feel discounted. Unacknowledged. Part of my issue I think is the careless way he has treated me and the fact that he has not acknowledged how hurtful his actions are. Regardless of how he feels about them. It is almost like he has denied even to himself that I have the feelings I do. They must not be real and I must be exaggerating and making up how I feel.
It infuriates me to be honest. Really angers me. I feel unimportant and like I am being patronized and lied to.
Nothing I can do about. I am working hard to just let go and realize that despite the fact that I feel all this he is not mature enough to even acknowledge or admit any of it. I guess in a sense more that it isn't intentional he's just clueless.
That might sound mean but really I think its accurate. Just selfish, self absorbed, self involved. Nothing to do with me. All about him. Sigh.
Again, nothing I can do. Just distance myself and deal with my own feelings. I wanted to put them down though so I can reflect on this later. Now I am off.
Good for you for writing them down and not acting on it. You are right, you may never get that from him but that's OK, you can move forward without it.
In AlAnon there's a term for your H's behavior, King Baby Syndrome. Google it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
So today was weird. Went up to visit S. Got there and FIL and H were there. That meant that I had to wait outside and visit was cut to 30 mins instead of an hour. Which that would have been okay but at the time for my visit. H left and FIL was still in there.
We did pass each other as I was walking in to visit S. He asked me if D's were in car. I just said No and kept walking. He said -"well" like I was being rude. Not sure how answering him was rude but I wasn't about to waste any time standing there talking to him when I could be in with S.
I had to do my visitation with FIL. Which made me less than thrilled. I guess because they have been so incredibly rude to me. This week the oldest D called them multiple times so she could walk up and visit and they ignore her calls. Ironically we are close enough she can see if they are home but still they don't answer. She did finally get ahold of them and was told "she could come on XMAS eve with everyone else." So they are being petty. It was very uncomfortable for me sitting there with FIL listening to every single word I said. Also looking at pictures I brought for S. That sort of thing. It felt invasive.
After H and I sent a few texts back and forth. He had asked when he could see the D's for Xmas. I basically said whenever although I would prefer to keep them home Xmas day. Also told him of the plans at his dads and that I would not be there. In addition, they did not want to spend Xmas with OW.
In one text I responded - We also need to talk about our divorce. I am inclined to give you everything else but I would like to keep the house.
He told me we need to talk not text about that. Fine. So I call. Voicemail. Call back. Voicemail. I sent another text- I think my number is blocked it never rings through goes directly to vm. He tried to call me and of course my phone was screwy and i couldn't hear. Finally I get through - he basically says he doesn't want to discuss it then. Okay so I hang up. No problem. 3 mins later my phone rings again. He basically says he doesn't want to discuss anything now because he is upset. I said what do you mean about our divorce? Yes he says. I said at some point we have to talk about it. I no longer want to wait or be married. I am beyond that point. Way beyond. He says again I don't want to talk about it. To which I just responded well I know you have been upset about money but frankly we have less than half as much as you do. Furthermore, I don't want to worry about being homeless. This house is paid for. Again- he says I don't want to discuss it right now.
So basically we can discuss things when he wants to. I really think in his mind we were just going to float along in this limbo nightmare he has created - indefinitely. He was willing to discuss the kids but not the divorce and he wouldn't even say the word divorce. I just am so struck by the ridiculousness of it all. How could someone delude themselves to that extent? Do they really think we have so little respect for ourselves that we would continue to allow this type of situation to continue?
What am I supposed to do? Just sit here spinning my wheels while he lives with and has a relationship with someone else?
Sigh. I dunno what to even think at this point. It's such a mess. To be fair though I am done with this marriage. I am done with him. If I had my druthers I would never have to see him again. He's not a friend. He's not trustworthy, and frankly, not even someone I like. He's toxic.
However, he is my children's father. So I have to deal with him. Again, I kept my temper, didn't respond to the BS.
So I expected drama today and true to form looks like I'm going to get it. FIL calls said did H get a hold of you to let you know He wanted to get together later? No. Why? What's up? Oh. H didn't talk to you? He said he did. Nope haven't heard from him. In fact, d tried to call him last night and today he won't answer. Oh well he said he wouldn't be able to come until 6 and he said he talked to you and you were fine with it. Ummm nope. Never talked to him but it IS fine.
So his other plans are more important than the plans with them AND he lied with intentions of interfering with my normal Xmas eve plans which unbeknownst to him I had already changed. WAD WAD WAD WAD WAD.
Believe it or not after all of that H showed up at 3 PM on the dot. Never did answer the phone though when Ds called. I finally told them not to call anymore. He also never answered my text asking what time he was actually planning on being there.
You guys are right on the anger. Even when I get angry I don't react like I used to. I have decided not to waste that much effort on someone who obviously doesn't deserve the time of day.
That said Christmas is sad. I read a fb post from a friend of mine who is in a new relationship and she is sooo excited because there are presents under the tree for her this year. It got me to thinking I can't even remember the last time h got me an Xmas present. Sad really. I know in the long run my life will be better but I can't believe how little I got from him in this relationship. WTH was I thinking to accept the little crumbs he gave me for all these years? Girls are with him now so it is even quieter than usual. Likely that has something to do with my melancholy.
