Kids came in with mountain of gifts. I guess if the volume is any indication of guilt he has tons. H drove them home from next door and carried the gifts in. I heard him standing in my living room. I intentionally stayed in the other room and never even looked or spoke to him. It made me mad. I guess because we are so very broke, he refuses to help in any way, yet they come in with all this stuff.
Apparently he was also showing them pics of his "great big tree" with gifts to the ceiling. Ugh. Wad. I'm very hurt and angry at the moment for so many reasons. I wish I could cram these gifts up his wazoo.
Now tomorrow I have to deal with him when we go to visitation for s. ugh.
So I calmed down surprisingly quickly. But still irritated a little.
Went to see S for visitation. One D went with me (they aren't allowed in but she wanted to ride and wait) It was a little odd. S was very down. I completely expected that. Caught H staring at me several times. Once outside afterwards. He had walked over to talk to D and was saying Merry Christmas to her but looking at me. It was weird. I never changed how I acted towards him. Was neither friendly nor unfriendly. He didn't linger really and I didn't want him to.
S had asked about the D's and their gifts if they really liked anything they got from H and FIL. I tried to not get into that whole conversation and was pretty noncommittal either way. Figured it sure wouldn't help anything if I belittled H or his efforts.
Though today they had made a couple of comments. Oldest D said I know he didn't do any of that my name was even spelled wrong on my stocking. Younger D pipes in and says and they all said Dad and that's not what we call him. So they felt much the same way I used to when he gave me a gift (on those rare occasions) and that was that he didn't really put any effort into it. Again same MO as last time he left.
Anyway, I didn't mention that and really no need to. That's just hurtful.
Later though we went to visit some friends of ours. (D's and myself) As we are pulling in, I could see a 4 wheeler we had sold them(the friends) a few years before. Oldest D is looking at it and says" Daddy said that was mine, then he sold it about a week later. Just one of many lies and times he let me down." I was a little surprised to hear this from her. A lot surprised actually. I just said, I'm sorry. I know that must hurt you. I really didn't know what else to say. Then a few moments later she says "Mama you have never let me down like that. I love you." It warmed my heart but also made me feel bad that she is feeling that towards him. Frankly, I recognized the 4 wheeler but never would have known she had any sort of emotion or thoughts attached to it. It just goes to show sometimes it is the stuff that you never even notice that really resonates with kids.
Wound up being an okay day. Didn't feel like Christmas but it wasn't horrible either. I did feel more and more distance from H not on his part but on my own. Emotional distance more than physical. It still hurts. I didn't expect it not to but you know what I mean.
I sort of think if I were to reach out to him when we are alone or at visitation that he would be open to it. I don't want to though. Lord knows I never in a million years would have thought I would say that. I know he is still the same old H. Same old no good for me H. Same old energy sucking H. Sigh. That is more bothersome than anything else I think.
I hope everyone here survived Xmas. Peace to all of you!
It must be so hard for you to still not have your S home. It must have been very tough on you. You sound like your in good sprits though. I know the feeling with the energy sucking H, I can't believe I didn't see it before. I'm glad you got through the day okay.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
