A newcomer's story

[FloydMan]

I could not go a day without connecting with my kids in some way. 10 days is very long. It is either heartbreaking for him and he is disconnecting.This should not be up to d11 to contact. He should.
The household chore thing could be like my W's laundry thing. He could be missing the homestead too but uncomfortable if you are there. Just definitely keep tabs on what is yours and call him out on anything odd.
D11 needs his attention though.

[justjudy]

Now I am thinking I am the weirdo Floydman coz I just posted on your thread about your W and the laundry and didn't see I was asking the same question myself about my H. How can we be so wise about other's sitch and so clueless about our own!

I worry about D11 though, not sure what to do. I don't think its ok. When she is with H I text or phone every day, just simple things like saying good morning or goodnight or asking how her day was. Just so she knows she is in my thoughts. She has her own cell phone so it's easy. she has already said to me "it doesn't even feel like he's really my dad anymore" broke my heart. I know their relationship is not my responsibility but D11''s mental and emotional health is very much my responsibility.

[FloydMan]

No you are not a weirdo...it is amazing how one can be trapped in their own problems and not know what to think but know what to say to another. That is what makes this board so good.
Definitely your d's mental and emotional health is your responsibility. My W does the same with my d10. My d gets hurt by her mom's dismissive and distancing ways toward her. I have tried to express this to W but she does not believe me. I have simply told d10 months ago to express how she feels to her mom directly. This caused a problem but in the end my conscience is clear because it is the right thing to do. It is not a favour to W but rather my d. My W has started back to the old ways of dismissing her again. I am told by counsellor not to intervene anymore but it is heartbreaking. She is losing out on a relationship in the future with her d. W gives d14 all kinds of attention and spoils her. I think mynd14 is liking the attention from both of us a little to much lately.

[justjudy]

I know what you are saying, I worry that D11 will somehow miss out on that important father/daughter dynamic in her formative teenage years. I'll just keep watching that situation.

In contrast H treats D17 like a buddy...texts her to ask her over for coffee or to go o a movie or just to hang out. But wait...just occurred to me...if he is in MLC replay phase he's probably a teenager himself right now so wants to hang out with teenagers not be a father to an 11 year old

[FloydMan]

Wow! I think we are in the same boat on this. D14 is my W's buddy. She does not mother her but rather hangs with her. MLC is so messed up.

[justjudy]

Think you and I need to keep watch on each others threads!!

[FloydMan]

Definitely. I am in Canada. You're in Australia?

[justjudy]

Yes Australia. I have a Quebecois friend on facebook who has been sending me beautiful pictures of snow and ice to cool me down in our hot weather. 44C yesterday - a mild 31C today I spent the afternoon sitting by/in the pool!

[FloydMan]

I'd take the 31c and pool anytime. It is about 0c here near Toronto.
It has been 8 days since W and I have spoken any words...it was a bad one about finances. She makes a point to overly-dote d14 and the dog in front of me. It is so phoney. She is off and on loving with d10 who she has not spoken with in 3 days. Her coparenting skills are terrible. She is a bank manager yet has our finances in such a mess. irresponsible with bills, credit cards, debt etc. she spends and spends. I should have nipped that in the bud years ago. As long as it is her money now, but she does dip into the joint expense account and that creates problems. It needs to be there until house is sold. Can't get L involved in every little battle as that costs more. Her sense of entitlement is scary. She has turned into such a selfish, mean-spiritied person from a caring, giving and empathetic person. Not just with me either. I noticed her mean streak a couple years ago when she started dissing some friends and their kids. Very critical of others, especially those wo don't agree wit her. I noticed her change about 4-5 years ago. She started taking a BP medication "Atacand", and I definitely noticed some mood and attitude changes. I tried to address this in therapy and she lost her top. The MC backed right off and ignored it. Did not even suggest shhe speak with her GP.

[justjudy]

Can't D here til separated 12 months (which is looming) but arrangements regarding children and finances can be sorted anytime. We are in the middle of financial mediation and while part of me just doesn't want to doing this another part wants it done. I want to be worrying about my money and my debts and my spending only. Looks like I will keep the house which means keeping the debt which has grown about $15grand last year rather than reducing. Sooner the better really, H just spends and has no idea on what. He has always been a little bit like that but we used to at least discuss larger purchases but now it's like money is sand running through his fingers. I want to disconnect from that.

Nothing is easy any more and I find it exhausting at times. Plus hot weather just saps my energy. Very tired lately. So planning another lazy day, things will rev up when the girls get home tonight