so anyways I signed up for this sight long a go, but never really got around to telling my story. Sadly, I tried to handle things on my own an it got really, really worse. Terrrible actually. I don't know what to do.
Most recently. I was checking my wife's email, as I regularly, do. She doesn't know and I was checking the the GPS tracker I installed on her car. Lo and behold, I found out something was up with an old buddy of mine. various emails and visits to strange stores that she would have no need to go to.
So I took MWD's advice and on Sunday invited my buddy to watch a football game at my house while my wife was here watching the kids. Once they were both here, I accused them of having an affair...both denied it!! Liars My now ex buddy stormed out of the house and and I screamed and yelled at my wife. She just got madder and madder. So I ran upstairs..then just curled up in a ball on the floor and started bawling.
I don't know what my next move should be. I'm thinking of going to this guys work and "exposing" the affair at his office. The look on his face would be priceless and he'd know where I stand. I'm sure it would show my wife that I do love her and would protect her.
"I was checking my wife's email, as I regularly, do."
Why do you do this^^^^^^. Clearly you are not DBing. I can't comment on confronting your W but going to this guy's job is not a good idea.
"I'm sure it would show my wife that I do love her and would protect her."
I think acting mature and with dignity will show your W this^^^^ not going around making scenes.....
Look this is not easy and I'm sorry you are here but if you have read DB and follow it things might improve. I think we need to know more about you. Please post your story.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Breathe. These things happen more slowly than you think so just breathe and do nothing until you get your bearings again.
Listen to Rick1963, he'll give you very good advice.
Read DB or DR again and see if it really suggested bringing suspected OM over and accusing the two of an affair. That was a really incredibly bad idea. Do you have any proof that there's anything other than a friendship there? No, you don't.
You need to stop snooping on her immediately because it's making you irrational. You need to think about whether an EA or a PA is a dealbreaker for you. Most of us start out saying obviously yes it is, but over time we begin to see how we played a major role in the breakdown of our marriage and the black and white become blurred. We learn empathy and forgiveness and humility. So think about whether it matters before you snoop again.
Tell us what your current situation is. Has your W asked for a divorce? What is good in your marriage, and what is not good? What complaints does your W have about your marriage and about you? Do any of them ring true to you?
An angry spouse will say or think anything to justify getting out of the marriage, so there may be a lot of extra complaints that are just stuffing, but at the essence there is something that is wrong with your marriage and you need to find out where it involves you and fix you.
Others will come with good advice for you. Stay with us, keep posting, tell us more. Try to calm down and don't make things worse.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I went MIA. I was going to post butt my wife put a new code on the computer so i wouldn't snoop on her anymore. so I had to do a work about. Thankfully, she didn't find the gps unit on her car....so I took it off.
Ill try to get to all the questions.
background. I first came here in 2010 after I nearly had an affair with a co-worker. my w found out and said that she wanted out, out out. I bought DB, DR at the time and then never read them. My W found them and thought I was tricking her into staying with new age mumbo jumbo. So I threw both books away in front of my wife. After that we kinda swept things under the rug.
We muddled along, but this year I started to get very suspicious of my wife. I did a "affair" chemical test on her panties earlier this year, but it came back negative. However, she was acting withdrawn, no interest in sex, spending a couple nights a a week away from home, she lost about 20lbs, started exercising, coloring her hair and grooming "down there" - she never did that in our whole marriage. After the test was negative, I tried to calm the thoughts with eastern meditation techniques.
I went to the libery and got the DB book and read it three times before it had to go back. I took notes too. I think I read somewhere that affairs are a form of abuse on the partner and you should not let the abuse continue which is why I exposed to them and my kids.
I told her about the affair test I did on her underwear and she went ballistic and got into a huge fight. saying that she she should have dumped my behind two years ago, saying she hated what I've become, saying I was fat and ugly and over. The good thing is that she said that she didn't want to get divorce for sure, but that if we did stay married it would be in paper only. She would be free to date. We wouldn't have any hugs, kisses, s-e-x or sleeping on the same floor of the house. I would be free to live in the in-law apartment we have in the basement if I wanted or I could chose the office spare. I would have to give my paycheck to her and she'd give me a allowance of $100 every two weeks. The rest would go to kids, bills and her stuff. Her check would go into a separate bank account and she'd pay 1/2 of the bills too. I thought this was a pretty good sign and I told her I was glad she wasn't thinking divorce, but that I had to think about the other stuff.
Later, I thought about it and that's when I did the spying stuff. It was after that I confronted.
Now that I have done it, I'm feeling some regret. Part of me just feels that I need to go the fully monty with the exposure. I mean I can't undo it can I? so what's the harm in confronting my buddy at his work. I really, really think my wife would respect me for being a man. It seems that many here think it's a bad idea?
We muddled along, but this year I started to get very suspicious of my wife. I did a "affair" chemical test on her panties earlier this year, but it came back negative.
This is the craziest thing I've ever heard people do, because not only is it invasive (sending your wife's soiled panties to some strangers to test) but a negative result doesn't prove anything. She could be having an EA, that's just as damaging to a M as a PA. Or they could have used protection. Or they didn't have sex right before she put those particular panties on. etc. etc.
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However, she was acting withdrawn, no interest in sex, spending a couple nights a a week away from home, she lost about 20lbs, started exercising, coloring her hair and grooming "down there" - she never did that in our whole marriage.
She's either a WAW or is about to be.
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I went to the libery and got the DB book and read it three times before it had to go back. I took notes too.
What did you learn? What are the things you did wrong in the marriage? What are your 180's? How well are you doing at sticking with them?
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I think I read somewhere that affairs are a form of abuse on the partner and you should not let the abuse continue which is why I exposed to them and my kids.
You "think" you read that? Hmmmm. I'm not sure I'd act based on something I "thought" I read somewhere. You don't even know if an affair is taking place, and if it isn't then you are causing severe damage to what's left of your M. And please tell me you didn't involve your kids in this witch hunt like it sounds like you're saying.
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I told her about the affair test I did on her underwear and she went ballistic and got into a huge fight.
Sure she did, and I think that was a reasonable response. You told her that you secretly stole her dirty panties and sent them to a stranger to have tested to prove she's being unfaithful. I would think she'd be quite angry about that revelation.
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saying she hated what I've become, saying I was fat and ugly and over.
OK, now back to DB. Have you taken stock of your faults? Have you listened to what your W is telling you and are you doing something about it? What have you become that she hates so much? How can you reverse that? What are you doing to make yourself more fit and attractive?
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The good thing is that she said that she didn't want to get divorce for sure, but that if we did stay married it would be in paper only. She would be free to date. We wouldn't have any hugs, kisses, s-e-x or sleeping on the same floor of the house. I would be free to live in the in-law apartment we have in the basement if I wanted or I could chose the office spare. I would have to give my paycheck to her and she'd give me a allowance of $100 every two weeks. The rest would go to kids, bills and her stuff. Her check would go into a separate bank account and she'd pay 1/2 of the bills too. I thought this was a pretty good sign and I told her I was glad she wasn't thinking divorce, but that I had to think about the other stuff.
Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor. You heard all of that and walked away thinking it was a "pretty good sign"? Oh man, we have so much work to do with you I scarcely know where to start, LOL! Do you want to be married to a woman that is free to date and have sex, manages all your income and gives you a puny stipend and won't let you into your own bedroom? Wow. Your immediate reaction should have been "no W, those are unrealistic terms. I am not leaving my bed, bedroom or house. I will not stand by while you openly date and have sex with other men. If you want to work on the marriage you are welcome to stay indefinitely, but if those are your stipulations then I think it would be best if you leave."
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Now that I have done it, I'm feeling some regret. Part of me just feels that I need to go the fully monty with the exposure.
DB'ing is NOT about exposing an affair. Whether or not there is an affair doesn't really affect DB'ing techniques. You've become obsessed with this possible affair and you're making zero progress towards repairing your M. Ask yourself if you want to repair the M or if you're just looking for an excuse to end it.
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so what's the harm in confronting my buddy at his work. I really, really think my wife would respect me for being a man.
I seriously am starting to think I must have logged onto the wrong forum. Is this the Jerry Springer forum or something? Someone pinch me and wake me up!
First of all. on the whole panty test thing. I got the idea and advice from another marriage forum. They have a section called Investigative techniques or something. There that kind of thing is encouraged and promoted. A number of people on there told me how to do go about it and how it was a good idea.
It was a home kit and I didn't send it to anyone else. I figure it was 1000% legal because she is my wife and they were just in the hamper. I don't think it's invasive as it's not like I took them off her. plus I had other people tell me it was okay to do and I could use it in court if I needed to.
But I only did it once. so no harm. I still have part of the kit left if I need to and I will be very careful in the future.
As for the DB book, I can't find my notes, I suspect my W found them and trashed them or hid them to be 1 step ahead. I'll probably ask her about it tonight. I know that will probably trigger a fight, but the kids should be in bed by then. I'm so full of anxiety that I can't remember which advice was from which place. arrrrggghhhhh. I'm not sure what exactly 180 means...is that a page number?
i'm sitting here trying to think of what I did wrong in the marriage and I think I was a good dude for her. Well, I did have the almost affair, but I've learned my lesson and I told her as much in a letter I wrote for her shortly after she discovered. Also, I tended to be super critical of her - or at least she has been saying that earlier this year..then she stopped suddenly, so I figured that things were better.
Beauty is in the eye of the behold and I think I'm still good looking. I wear the extra 75lbs pretty good so I don't think that's an issue. I think she was just trying to get my goat by calling me fat and ugly. I used to sometimes say this to her during bad fights, but I always, always apologized and I wanted to be inmate with her so that showed her that I was really attracted t over. However, I told her I made an appointment with a doctor to talk about it so hopefully she will see that I'm taking it seriously.
lastly on her deal, I need to be a little more clear. I thought it was a good sign because she didn't say she wanted a divorce. I mean that's what we are trying to avoid on here right? Last time she went straight to divorce talk...this time not. So a +. Secondly, part of the deal was that she 1000% promised that she wouldn't have sex with anyone else --- only date and only for friendship. She said she is at the age where most women get and she doesn't like sex anymore. So why would she do something she hates? We also agreed that while I'd give her my checks the bills would be a joint effort. We'd both sit down once a week to decided how they get paid. She just is the money manager for the family. Honestly, I can't be responsible with money one of her nagging points. Also I did not give her an answer yet. I'm hoping she will just forget about that conversation. I don't mind sleeping in the office or the inlaw apartment really. She is a nite owl and I need to sleep early for my job so I think that I will be better off at least for a while. One the plus side it can be my Man Cave. Anotherstander -I cannot say that to her. if I gave her that speech I think she'd kick my butt then put me out of the house. it's complicated because the house we rent is owned by her dad- who has always disliked me. I think he'd look for any reason to throw me out. Aslo, I think she'd lose any good feelings if I said that.
I do want to fix my marriage, but I also want to teach them a lesson for having an affair in the first place. It's unfair that they get off scott free to do what they want and I suffer.
I said it above, but I think I still look okay. I wear the the extra 75lbs I gained in the last 3 years pretty well. some of it was muscle also.
The person I suspect she's having the affair with is my friend from college. Tony. Their emails seem innocent but after reading about the things people do to cover up affairs I am supicous
My wife is 44 and I am in 38. Our kids are 7 and 9.
