My W told him that she is unhappy and does not know why or even if she is unhappy with me. Makes my head spin whenever I hear this.
Why? That's actually a really good sign. She's starting to realize that maybe you're not responsible for her being unhappy. It'll still take her a while to sort it out, so it's really important to give her plenty of time and space right now.
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Everyone in the family has been saying pretty much the same thing to her, slow down and make sure this is what you really want.
Well I'm sure their intentions are good, but you should really talk to them and tell them ALL to back off! They're unintentionally putting pressure on her and you will get the blame for it (it's easy for her to decide you put them up to it). EVERYONE needs to give her time and space, not just you.
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It's nice to know they are not pressuring her either way.
Oh but they are!
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I talked with most of them and asked them to not pressure her right after BD.
Good, but it sounds like they need a reminder! ANY R talks are pressure. They need to cease and desist.
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I have to focus on me and let her figure out that I am not the reason she is unhappy.
Agree with above and tell family to back off. My words were everyone makes their own decisions and I am good where I am, so please cut H some slack. Our friends are very judgemental, although I know I did not play the gracious LBS card the first couple of months. It is only now that I can see he hurts as much as I do.
I am glad W is confused...I know that sounds a bit strange lol! But people have to figure out things for themselves and it seems she is figuring out that she has to figure it out.
I think all our spouses want us to be assholes, makes their lives easier, makes staying away easier. In my case, H wants me to find someone so he can ease his guilt and then tell himself he made right decision. It comes in all shapes and sizes, the justifications and reasons. We just have to look at ourselves, change ourselves and walk our own paths
Everyone in the family has been saying pretty much the same thing to her, slow down and make sure this is what you really want.
Well I'm sure their intentions are good, but you should really talk to them and tell them ALL to back off! They're unintentionally putting pressure on her and you will get the blame for it (it's easy for her to decide you put them up to it). EVERYONE needs to give her time and space, not just you.
[quote]It's nice to know they are not pressuring her either way.
Oh but they are!
From what they told me they only told her this when she approached them, otherwise they have not said anything.
We have been pretty much no contact with each other since just before Thanksgiving. She has not tried to contact me and i have not unless it's about Daughter. She has been allowing D to decide when she wants to be at her place or mine. I'm done with that, I never know when she is going to be here and that is not fair. I will talk with her again about working out the details if she does not participate, I will work it out with my daughter.
I'm starting to get tired of this and I'm not sure how much more I want to take. Going dark is more for me than my wife, I need the space to work out my emotions. I'm not sure how much I could ever trust her again with my heart. I keep leaning in this direction and I don't really want to be here.
P.S. AS how are you doing?? Have not seen you in a while, hope all is well for you.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I have been reading alot of forums about walk away wife syndrome and it seems a lot of people are trying to blame the LBS. Saying that the wife (or spouse) tried for years to work out the relationship and we the lbs never were willing to listen. I have a lot of issues with this concept of it being the lbs's fault. I told my wife several times a day I loved her, I gave her hugs and compliments, I helped around the house, I worked full time, I never hit or abused her, I showed love and attention: I did not listen as much as i should, I did not validate like I should, emotionally I was not there as much as she would have liked (however i did talk about feelings some). At times I did not pay attention to her when I should have, I did not tell her enough times thank you for the work she did. At times I did not show appreciation for her. I could list my grievances with my wife however this is about me being a better me, so I need to list things I think i did right as well as wrong.
What I'm getting at is it took two to get to the cliff, thats right I was running right beside her. It only took one to jump off the cliff. I resent the fact that some people want to lump all into the guilty side of the divorce. I have fault, I recognize my part and will try to continue to recognize my faults. I am however not the only reason for the divorce. I am the only one working on trying to be a better me. UUGGHH I need to stay on this site and stop going to the other sites.
I really like when people on this site point out the right/wrong line of thinking in bettering myself. My marriage may not survive but I will. I will become a better person. This situation will not define me, it will help to shape who I am. I need to print out my 180's so I can see them on a daily basis and remember who I am trying to become.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Nice post, Subguy! I completely agree with you. We can only work on ourselves, but the damage to the M took two people, not just one.
I will say to myself the same things you are saying to yourself. I will survive this and will become a better person. The other option is not appealing :-)
Okay I need a little advice. Today my D14 was at my house with a friend who spent the night. my W decided to take them to the movies, which I do not mind obviously. However, I was not informed that she was picking her up from my house. Then she fed them dinner at McDonalds at 4pm. That is when I get off work, I was going to come home make dinner and then play games with D and her friend. Why would my W feed her dinner right before I get home to make dinner??? I need to say something because this is becoming a habit, no consideration for me. Thinking about talking to her tomorrow. Gonna approach the subject in a calm detached way. Tell her I would appreciate a heads up on things because I had plans for us and her feeding dinner right before I come home is rude. Any thoughts??
At first I was irritated and snapped a little at me D. it was not her fault so I checked myself changed my attitude and played trivial pursuit for 3 hours with her and friend. They enjoyed themselves, because I was less of an ass. My daughter and her friend were laughing and making me have to answer the question three times correctly before getting a pie. i was irritated ad should not have let my W control my emotions then I started to take it out on my daughter. Uugghh, at least I noticed this time and corrected myself.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
It is all about your W being in control. Have had those "let's coordinate properly with the kids schedules, times with them etc etc" many many times and they still do what they want. They will even make the rules and change them. Welcome to WAS MLC world. nothing will be consistent. What do they say? ... Believe nothing what she says and half of what she does? Don't expect consideration. Remember, it is all our fault. (Sarcasm of course)
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I agree with floydman (looks like I am following you around the board tonight FM!)
No normal parent feeds their kids dinner at 4pm - a snack OK but not dinner. But as you know you are not dealing with your "normal" W anymore and it makes life very unpredictable.
there is an awkward line I think between setting boundaries and going with the flow. Only you can decide what you find unacceptable.
I do like the suggestion you make a few posts back - of involving your daughter in setting up some routines. At 14 I would think she could be involved in working out which days of the week she would like to be where and approx pickup times obviously with some flexibility built in because life itself is not toally controllable. You are letting her decide now so this just creates a routine. Kids pretend they don't like routine but really they do and it would make life much more settled round.
Also did you D know you were planning to make dinner that night? In future maybe make sure she knows and even knows what you were planning to make...the best outcome would be if she said something like "no I don't want to have McDonalds for dinner now coz dad said he is making (insert fave meal) for dinner later"
Me46, H49, D17, D11 M22, T25 BD Dec26 2011 he moved out Feb29 2012
Wow, all this over eating at MickyDs at 4pm. When they were younger I would certainly have bought my kids something at 4pm if they were hungry. There could be any number of reasons why she did that, maybe the girls were hungry, maybe she wanted to treat them, maybe the girls asked. Is this a hill you want to die on?
What is it that really upsets you about what happened? You need to be clear with yourself on that. Your reaction to that emotion is the only thing you can control. Did W know you were going to be fixing dinner? Did you have it started?
If not, hey, it's a freedom from fixing dinner night for you. Have whatever you like. I always enjoy not having to do that.
I wouldn't tell her it was rude, because that's assigning a meaning to the act from your POV. If you want to address it how about, "If you have plans to buy D an early dinner, please text me and let me know so I know I son't have to worry about fising anything."
Make sure this is not your control issue.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Floydman has experienced the same, and so have I. My eX was very good on routines. Also, we haven't allowed my S any candies and such since he is very young.
The first thing she did after BD was to start giving him candy. Then she gave me 10 minutes notice when she came to pick him up. I told her it was not ok, and the next time.....she gave me 5. LOL.
It bugs me, but what can I do? I can talk to her and if she won't listen then she won't. I'll continue to live up to my responsibilites as best I can and keep my routines. I'll give her time and hopefully she'll come around.
Keeping emotions in check is important, getting angry or bitter won't help.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Makes my head spin whenever I hear this.