Then do it. But NOT just for her. I can't believe you don't get that by now.
"sorry for the long Jane Eyre post but this is a real opportunity for me to change my behavior."
AGAIN! STOP saying you're going to change because of her. If it's something you think you should do for the sake of doing it for the better, then do it. You keep saying you're going to do all these things.... THEY ARE ALL PLOYS.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
They are not ploys. It's a 180. These are complaints she had about me and I'm trying to change the behavior by making a 180.
I didn't realize me wanting to help my wife get healthy and help her try to figure out what was going wrong with her would feel like I was controlling her and push her further away
Does she ask you for your help to diagnose her problems?
Do you see it as pushy and annoying yet or you do still think it shows caring?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
No she doesn't ask for help she comes to me in pain sometimes or I can see her in pain. So now I just try to be sympathetic and let her figure it out on her own. Lets just say there is a monthly pattern that she hasn't figured out yet. I know when she is going to get migraines and hate me. I try not to offer my opinion on anything. I just say "you know your body better then anyone" etc.
Sorry, that's kind of a weird statement too. Is she a doctor?
She's a competent adult who knows how to seek medical attention for something she needs it for. Doctors are trained to ask relevant questions. You're not holding the secret to anything.
Some partners like to nurture and care for each other more, but you have been clearly annoying her for the while that I've been reading here, and you need to step back. Learn how to say, "Aww, sorry to hear it."
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
No she doesn't ask for help she comes to me in pain sometimes or I can see her in pain. So now I just try to be sympathetic and let her figure it out on her own. that's all you can and should do. She's not incompetent or a danger to herself. IF she were, you could be her guardian. But you're not. And you have your own issues to work on, so that is where YOUR energy needs to be. MAYBE if she saw you make progress with your own health issues, she'd feel freer to look at hers.
Lets just say there is a monthly pattern that she hasn't figured out yet. I know when she is going to get migraines and hate me. You might be onto something. But it also happens to be the FIRST thing a lot of men point to, to explain their wive's behavior when in reality, the h's have been lousy husbands... and maybe it's only "that time of the month" that the wife gets ticked off enough to act on her feelings about her h.
Plus if you notice, talking about HER PATTERN, keeps the focus ON HER and makes HER responsible for things that really belong to you. Why aren't you ONLY focussed on YOU?
I try not to offer my opinion on anything. I just say "you know your body better then anyone" etc.
That ^^strikes me as an odd comment. It's also NOT something you believe is true anyhow. Frankly, YOU think YOU know her body better, right?
So why lie? Just empathize.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks Mr. B. That makes perfect sense actually. These changes are for me and the rest of my life. Not for her. She might benefit from them but ideally they are for me. I get it. Second night with no passcode and it feels pretty good not to have that stress anymore. I'm not texting a sole about my M issues anymore so nothing really to hide.
I see your point 25 on that time of the month. This is beyond that though. Google PMMD. Its when she ovulates she gets migraines and yes heckle and jyde. But as LA, Advina, and many others have pointed out. Doesn't matter. I can't control that. It is what it is. I either live with it or move on. Does it frustrate me she doesn't see it. Hell yes. But really nothing I can say or do to make the issue go away or get better. You see that I've given up control lol.
She was complaining of being in pain tonight when I got home. I just ugh that stinks.
Decent night tonight. Came home early to help her out. My S was sick so she had a long day with both kids at home.
I just had an extra step in me tonight. I even sent her a funny video of me dancing in the car when going to pick up dinner tonight. I use to goof like this alot. Me and W had lots of positive interactions today via txt and in person. She initiated most of the txts. I was short and humorous. Like I use to be in the past.
She even mentioned that OM HS friend to me in conversation and I didn't even get anxious. I just listened and enguaged in conversation.
Played with the kids and realized how important it is for me to continue to work on myself for this family. They are my rock.
Audiobooks rock when you have 2 hour commute from work and stuck in traffic. I finished 5 love languages. Not sure I even know my own love language and not sure if I know hers lol. I can say this. Not sure I can really even apply his principals to my current marriage situation. Although I do think her LL might be "acts of service". I think she likes when I help out around the house etc. I'm starting to think my LL is "words of affirmation"
Anyways overall good night.
I am going in for surgery on myself Monday morning. Sleep apnea stuff. Not a heavy guy either, my septum is crooked and I snore like a lumber jack. So not attractive and something I always wanted to fix but to chicken.
cheers and thanks everyone for your valuable feedback.
You sound very different today... why do you think that is?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
