Okay, I read some more blogs on here and just realized something. When W and I end up together and go to depart sometimes she will come to me and hug and kiss me on the check and say good-bye and sometimes says she 'loves me.' Other times, she just says good-bye and leaves. On the occassion of the hugs and 'odd' pecks on the cheek, I have exchanged I love you's with her. Is that a mistake? I do not pursue her for a hug and really don't know what to make of 'peck on cheek' other then her thinking I'm 'some kind of family friend' rather than her husband. Thoughts on that, too?
I also tell her that if she needs me to call me. Is that being too nice as well?? All these I can stop if I need to but I just want to make sure I should. It seems like she is reaching out to me, but is she 'really' or am I just 'family' as she has mentioned so many times before and that's why she is doing it?
M: 48 (2nd marriage) W: 47 (1st marriage) T: 22 M: 21 D (M, 1st Marriage: 26) D (M, 1st Marriage: 24) S: 18 EA: 31 Dec 2004 ILYBINILWY: 31 Dec 2004 In all things give thanks to God; I thank you God.
I'm reading them and wondering why you are OK with being somebody's second choice? Are you not worth much?
That's been going on since 2004?!??
She is obviously confused, but she has been this way for a very long time now. How long do you intend to be part of it?
Is it being too nice to say she can call you? I don't think so. But is it sending a wrong message? I think it is. It is sending the message that "you can have another man AND me in your life. I'm fine with what you want to do." Except you're not fine with that, are you?
Why does she say I love you? No telling. Habit. Fear. Manipulation. Those are of course, just guesses. Only she knows.
Hasn't made up her mind? WTF? Of course she did. When she married you. And when she started the EA/PA.
In the end, you have to be ready to leave. I can't tell you what to do, but I looked back on some of what you wrote and I'm really left wondering if you'd give yourself the same advice? I think you would, but interested in your response.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Well, here's the latest. I have no contact with W unless initiated by her. W left on 14 Dec after I told her she needed to leave or commit to M. Due to losing re-bid on contract, I lost my job at the end of January. Still looking. Had some interviews and 'we want you's" but still waiting/looking. Current job lost due to sequestration and lost of re-bid. Possibility of a contract coming out the end of this month...we'll see. Govt is tight on contracts at this time. MIL was moved to SIL's house at beginning of the month. Youngest dau came out for visit from Jan-Mar. She is back home now with first grandson. He turned 1 today. Both dau's (from pervious marriage, but have known current W for most of their lives and love her, too) not happy with W and what she is doing. They learned of her affair right before youngest dau came out in Jan. S is definitely not happy and is/has been staying with me and has not stayed with W in her new place at all. He has visited (with me) a couple of times, but wants nothing to do with staying/visiting with her there. He is def upset with her and wants nothing to do with OM and has stated to W that OM took advantage of her during her 'distressed/ depressed' time and does not agree with what she says about OM.
M: 48 (2nd marriage) W: 47 (1st marriage) T: 22 M: 21 D (M, 1st Marriage: 26) D (M, 1st Marriage: 24) S: 18 EA: 31 Dec 2004 ILYBINILWY: 31 Dec 2004 In all things give thanks to God; I thank you God.
I have some good interviews and one owner wanted to hire me as a realtor vice his team's exec asst, but still is wondering where I would fit in....i.e., still likes my quals as EA. I really have been so upset by all of this that I have given it to God and continue to ask Him to lead me to the job He wants me to have so I will be successful at it. I keep looking and applying and believe He will answer my prayers. Yes, I have looked at my previous posts but I also know that having moved from our old residence to my current one that I have been GALing. So, W calls me now instead of other way around and I do work out, etc. Having we are still 'tied' financially while she continues on her way. Honestly, I'm ok with it because I'm busy doing my own things at the moment. Yes, I wish she would come back but it thats up to her and OM is still trying to fig out what he wants to do ...I don't care. If I truly believe God will save this M then I'm continuing to do my thing and W can continue down current path and if D comes up, it comes up. I just have to make sure I'm ready for it..which I'm not. Sorry, maybe I am a donkey in some people's minds but I know what I want and a D is not it. Obviously, if W states she wants one then she will have to file, etc. I just believe the God will bring us back together and I continue to GAL while waiting for Him to do just that.
M: 48 (2nd marriage) W: 47 (1st marriage) T: 22 M: 21 D (M, 1st Marriage: 26) D (M, 1st Marriage: 24) S: 18 EA: 31 Dec 2004 ILYBINILWY: 31 Dec 2004 In all things give thanks to God; I thank you God.
Getting ready for trip tomorrow with W and S. We are taking some stuff up to SIL and MIL. After this trip, I do not see any other trips that we need to take together. So, if I can find a job then we will solely be back to phone calls again. As she checks in each evening after work to see if anything new has come up. I do not call her, though, she calls me. I have paid for and received three courses needed prior to taking my Real Estate License exam. So, I will finish those and then take the exam and see what happens as God leads me. To me, it really is doing what God wants and that includes with my marriage. I believe He will restore it and have complete faith in that. If He decides to let it go another way it truly is His power to do it. However, as for both job and marriage I need to do my part as well. I need to keep looking for jobs and I need to keep working on myself and GAL. I need to trust Him to do the rest.
M: 48 (2nd marriage) W: 47 (1st marriage) T: 22 M: 21 D (M, 1st Marriage: 26) D (M, 1st Marriage: 24) S: 18 EA: 31 Dec 2004 ILYBINILWY: 31 Dec 2004 In all things give thanks to God; I thank you God.
I'm new here and really have no advice to give, but I wanted to let you know that I think what you are doing and feeling are correct. I feel the same way about my W and sitch. I truly hope everything works out for you.
Thank you for sharing your life and thoughts. I know it helps me to put things in perspective and look at what I can do.
Good Luck
Me: 42 W: 42 M 6.5 T 10 Bomb 1/1/2013 1:00am waw 1/10/2013 I filed D 1/31/2013
Pumpkinhead thank you for the encouragement. I wish you well too. I'm currently still fighting for my marriage and do not plan to do otherwise. I have not heard from my wife in six days now. however I went back and read the last resort technique to get a refreshed perspective especially since we've been separated since December 14th. although some here on the board were trying to help me it just took awhile for me to realize that what i was doing just wasnt working but i couldnt stop trying to fix things myself. I have since realized they were probably right but I just couldnt see that. Hindsight is always 20/20. so I saw her with other man me back from work at lunch right after Thanksgiving last year that was it for me. I asked her to either work on the marriage or we needed to separate. she of course chose to move out. so I have not when calling her I'll send you to call her back but she left a message for me Andy's past six days I have not tried to contact her. I am going to continue to follow the last resort technique and continue to pray to the Lord to guide us and our marriage.
M: 48 (2nd marriage) W: 47 (1st marriage) T: 22 M: 21 D (M, 1st Marriage: 26) D (M, 1st Marriage: 24) S: 18 EA: 31 Dec 2004 ILYBINILWY: 31 Dec 2004 In all things give thanks to God; I thank you God.
Being new to the site I recommend getting Michelle's book if you haven't already the divorce remedy it has a lot of techniques that you can try and also there are some wonderful people here on the site that can also help.
M: 48 (2nd marriage) W: 47 (1st marriage) T: 22 M: 21 D (M, 1st Marriage: 26) D (M, 1st Marriage: 24) S: 18 EA: 31 Dec 2004 ILYBINILWY: 31 Dec 2004 In all things give thanks to God; I thank you God.
Well. As life would have it, my MC told me to stop playing phone games with my wife. So she 'pinged' me tree nights in a row that its my turn and I didn't respond. I am still hurting about that because even though I was using that 'connection' to 'speak' to her I know that its bad to remain 'in contact' with her. I need to go totally dark. We only talk now when I have an upcoming interview or something going on with our son. She is planning to attend my commencement ceremony and I am picking up her mom and sister-in-law from the train station this Friday. So, I am sure she will come over to visit them that afternoon and may even try to pick them up. THey do not want to stay with her but with me at my place (which wife and I both pay the rent to). Our finances are tied together due to still being married but separated. Wife's best friend is telling her to get a divorce because "she wants here to be happy." Wife's best friend tells me wife is going back and forth on that. Wife stated in late February that I am 'second' behind OM. That hurts and yet I still plan for a reconciliation. It's been 8.5 years and I am still hopeful that we get back together. I have been working out more and still going to church. Son does not go to visit her even though I have told him its okay if he does. He is still upset with her about her moving out and seeing OM. He wants nothing to do with him...period. Yes, I have told son that if were to choose to have a relationship with OM that it would be okay with me. Son does not wish to nor wants to have anything to do with OM. He has tried to get W to go to counseling or a psychiatrist by herself if not with me. I have also told her that but not in awhile. She just doesn't want to go and believes that OM is the ONE. I'm just not ready to give up yet. So, as Michelle states (paraphrased), "it is up to you to know when you've done all you can and are ready to move on." I'm not ready. So, I continue to go dark and not make contact unless she makes contact first. However, I did send her a text to let her know one of my Aunt's passed away last night. Of course, no return text but it could be that she had fallen asleep. We'll see tomorrrow. I feel helpless right now, but have been praying to God continuously, going to church on Sunday's and now Wednesday's (started last week). I am waiting for a job as well. I had an interview last week with a Director of Ops and am awaiting a call back to confirm a job. In the meantime, I have only my state license exam to pass in order to get my real estate license. Woo Hoo. Real Estate has been a dream of mind since the age of 12. So, I am going to puruse that dream. I have also not ruled out going for my Masters Degree as well. I just have to get to that 'happy' place and right now it's hard at times....still. I know God is with me and I do want Him to lead me through this no matter the outcome that He provides....reconciliation or divorce. It's just hard to finally come to terms that my M may be over if that's what God wants. His plans are not our plans and HIs ways are not our ways. Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. The key in that last verse is "His purpose" (i.e., will). I hold extremely tightly to that verse and continually strive to put my faith in him taking each day one at a time knowing that He is with me ...right beside me. Thank you Lord.
M: 48 (2nd marriage) W: 47 (1st marriage) T: 22 M: 21 D (M, 1st Marriage: 26) D (M, 1st Marriage: 24) S: 18 EA: 31 Dec 2004 ILYBINILWY: 31 Dec 2004 In all things give thanks to God; I thank you God.
SO, I haven't posted to you before. I have followed you from time to time while you've been here.
I am trying to figure out what your fear is.
I want to stay away from discussing scripture, although I do wonder if God may have provided you with many opportunities over the past 8 years and you have not acted on them.
If you knew, in 2004, that your W would file and your M would end in D in 2013, would you have waited?
If your answer is "Yes", why? Why would you have waited? What have you learned? How have you grown? What lesson or value has your S received?
What really... is your fear (shame?) that your M will end?
