Stop The D

[RegretfulLA]

Maybe your wife's LL is Acts of Service? Sounds like you are fairly tuned in to that, given that you thought to ask her if she needed help.

[justjudy]

Just read through this whole thread Spartan and wanted to say keep strong!

Watching H tell my kids he wanted to leave was one of the hardest things I have ever done and I went through all those emotions again reading your thread. I will remember forever the look on my D11 (then D10) little face as she realised her world was falling apart. She went through every emotion over the next few hours but then remarkably quickly settled down to asking about logistics and practical questions, unbelievable resilient. She has a meltdown every few months or so and needs to be constantly reminded she is loved. Also sleeps in my bed regularly although that has tapered off lately.

And I am not sure what my position is on separation (moving out.) My H did move out and I resisted it for as long as I could because I did really believe it was the beginning of the end. But my D17 said to me "he's not treating you like a wife, so what are you, his maid?" I realised that I was showing my daughters that it was OK for a husband to treat his wife with disrespect and that wasn't something I wanted them to see.

So I said to H "if you want to leave so badly, just go". And he did. And I cried all that day. I never thought he would walk out that door but he did. And my house was immediately calmer and my children were immediately more settled and I was able to work on detachment and GAL and thinking and reading and working on myself in that calmer, more settled space.

I can see that in some ways S was a useful decision at the time but I am not sure that long term it is a positive for our M. I haven't given up though and neither should you.

[Spartan]

Made it through the weekend and I probably didn't win the Oscar but I at least got a nomination. Family spent pretty much the entire weekend together and I showed a PMA as much as possible. With kids I was upbeat and had a good time for most of it. I would classify interaction with W as friendly distant. I didn't initiate any conversations but didn't go silent and played in all games with kids that she played in. I also didn't let little things bother me that normally would. We even went to gym together twice, I didn't DB very well the first time, more on this later. Last night W and I spent 2 hours working on the charity website together, it was the only time this weekend I enjoyed the fact she was around. We still can work together on projects.

Couple weekend highlights for sitch:
W's work called the house on Friday looking for her while she should still be at work. In past this would have freaked me out because person she had A with years ago also works there but I let it go and didn't let it bother me. I texted W that they were looking for her because I didn't know if they needed her input for a patient. She called me on her way home and without me asking said she was doing floor stuff instead of OR and didn't know why they called the house. I didn't really care and just said "ok". If being honest I have to admit that I don't believe her story even though it could be true since people that called are new. I was proud of myself because I didn't give it any thought and didn't let it ruin my night but a little disappointed that I still don't trust anything she says.

W said she heard I had looked at apartments (no idea who told her) and asked which ones I looked at. I told her and she asked if I decided to move out. I told her if anyone moves I still felt she should be the one and I was just looking so I knew what was out there. Not sure it means anything, just updating. I've decided to try and stick it out and not move for as long as I can take it.

Last night W got a text with her new work schedule and complained to me about having to pick up a couple more midnight shifts. She complained about her schedule getting tougher to manage. I said "I'm sure a lot of things are going to get harder this year". That was end of conversation and not sure I should have even said that. It still amazes me she talks with me about these things. Not sure if she's forgetting she's driving the D and everything should be great for her once she gets rid of me. My lawyer is going to push for her to work more if D to eliminate alimony (no reason she should stay part time, especially since her earning power is higher then mine).

I stumbled across something she wrote that hurt even though I know I shouldn't have let it. She wrote something for charity website but in the group of papers was also something for her codependency group. I wasn't snooping and wished I wouldn't even have found it but I did read a few lines of it (stopped very quickly because I knew I shouldn't be reading it). The couple lines I read said that she blamed me for most things wrong in her life and resented me for the past. Like I said I didn't read much and not sure what else was on there but it's same BS with her blaming me for everything. I know it's typical WAS stuff and I shouldn't believe it but it still hurt seeing it. I've never seen anything or heard her say anything about me being the only person that stuck with her through her illness and doing everything with kids and around house for 6 months while she was incapacitated, all the time I took off work to take her to doctors over the years, me basically being the only one there when she dealt with her families fallout, me stalling my career so I could be more available for her and kids, or anything like that. I know the truth about the good I've done (and bad) but it doesn't make it easier when I know all she sees now is the bad and how exaggerated she's making it seem. She has this fantasy life in her head that she thinks she could have had without me but doesn't see that when her family and friends were no where to be found she had one person always there no matter what. I'm so appreciative of these boards that force me to look at myself and not blame everything on others. It hurt but it also made me sad that this is apparently still how she's dealing with things and I don't think she has anyone challenging her since she's surrounding herself with new people. I'm a little worried about her raising kids if she never figures out her own issues. I know I have no control of this so shouldn't worry but I can't not worry about my kids...

We are both training for a half marathon for our charity and Saturday we went to gym to go running. I was on treadmill and she walks right by the empty machine next to me and goes to treadmill on other side of gym. This ticked me off and not sure why. She's talked about us being friends and doing this race/ charity together and then she pulls this. After I was done I went to get kids out of play area without telling her I was done running. She found us in locker room (we were going swimming as family after) and said she looked for me but couldn't find me. I replied that I didn't think we were together by her running on other side of gym. She said she likes to run alone. Maybe I should have let it go at that but instead I asked if she runs next to her friend that she sometimes meets at gym who is also running. She was silent and I said I guess that tells me if you truly think we're friends. I know not great DBing here but I felt like I had to say something, especially if she wanted to continue to train together. Later I justified it in my head as setting a boundary with her, if she wants to be friends she has to treat me like a friend. Maybe just an excuse by me since I didn't DB and let something she did affect my mood. The next day at the gym she did come up to me and tell me she was doing elliptical machine behind me since she didn't want to do exercise I was doing; she seemed genuine.

Only other thing I found noteworthy is I was setting up to watch a movie on Saturday night and W was in kitchen. I told her I was watching it and she joined me. It's not a movie she would usually watch and it was late so surprised me.

Sorry for another book but I didn't post at all this weekend so you got it all.

[Spartan]

Dang, I woke up this AM feeling pretty good but getting down about sitch as day goes. Not sure what the trigger was but having a hard time shaking it. Even at lunch with friends made me think of time W and I had lunch at that restaurant about 7 months ago and had such a good time we had a "check please" moment. Been there to eat several times since BD and never thought about it until today??? Seems like every person I see has asked me how I'm doing. I may hit the next person that tells me either I'll be better off and happier in the long run or it just takes time. I had no idea this many people even knew, I guess the word is out now at work...

I'm really struggling right now because I want to call W to just talk. I know nothing good would come from that so that's why I'm on here. Deep down I miss having my W as my friend. I guess I haven't detached at all or I'm just having a very bad day. I still feel really angry with her so very confused. How do I just detach from someone I've loved for 20 years? For you vets that are detached do you ever have these setback moments or is the detachment pretty permanent?

[labug]

Don't call her. Picture that big stop sign in your head.

I'm pretty detached but it's taken a long time and it's gradual, sometimes so gradual as to seem like there's no progress at all. The trick is to accept that and keep moving forward. Baby steps.

Most days are good some days are crappy but nothing like in the beginning.

You'll get through this, read something, watch a stupid movie, take a walk, play with your kids.

[Rick1963]

"For you vets that are detached do you ever have these setback moments or is the detachment pretty permanent?"


Yes to this^^^^^. But like Labug said, it gets better. I saw exw this past Friday at the supermarket. It didn't bother me and I just went about my business. This stuff takes time and patience. Obsessinng over what ifs is not helpful. Do fun things.

[tori2012]

Spartan, in my experience, you may think you're detached but then you realize you're not. It could be a trigger or it could happen out of the blue.

Also, I think your anger might be showing up during your interactions w your W. Understandable but be aware of it. Also, I also can't stand it when people tell me I'll be fine in the long run and that everything happens for a reason....blab blab. But people don't know what else to do or say.

(((((())))))

[Spartan]

I made it through yesterday without calling and did fine last night. I'm feeling really good today so not sure what happened yesterday. After work I went for a run that dang near killed me (might have pushed a little too hard) but it got me in better state of mind. Went home and was pleasant and actually enjoyed playing game with kids and W. Had decent dinner as family with some laughs and then worked on website with W a little more while watching football game. Everything with W was still an act but at least I didn't do anything needy or try to talk.

Also, I think your anger might be showing up during your interactions w your W. Understandable but be aware of it.

I think you're probably right. I kept reminding myself of your post last night so thanks.

[labug]

Do you journal? Keep track of the things you do that make you feel better and do more of those things.

I have a list of mine on my thread, yours may be very different but whatever these things are, pay attention.

And the up and down is all part of the process, I can remember going from feeling absolutely awful in the morning to great in the afternoon. Don't fight that and question why, just accept and allow and then let it go. We get ourselves in trouble when we obsess about why because that keeps us focused on the feeling.

Say to yourself something like "hmm, I'm feeling really ____ right now but I've felt this way before and it does pass. I know I'll feel better later." and then do something you enjoy.

[Spartan]

Labug - great points. I was keeping a journal but I noticed it was turning into a place of negativity that I didn't want to share so I stopped. Now I post most my thoughts here and I try not to let myself get sucked into W's negative mindset on life. The things I've really been enjoying lately are:

* Play with kids (always enjoyed this)
* Play video games with friends (It relaxes me and nice talking with friends, W hates them so I didn't do for long time)
* Exercise and really push myself (used to feel guilty because W wasn't able to due to her condition so this is nice to get back to)
* Hunt
* Reconnect with old friends
* Read (new Wheel of Time book today will be first non self help book I've read in over 2 months )
* See movies
* Learning to play guitar


I'm also glad to hear that the ups and downs are normal. I used to feel so stable. Now I look back and wonder if it was more numb.