It's been many years now since X walked out w/OW. So much has happened.
As my sig shows, X's OW dumped him as soon as things got real. He then had an accident, nearly died, and got involved with a new woman who is very ill.
New Woman has now been given one month to live now, according to X. X has not had much happiness for a long time.
I have had happiness with New Guy, his girls, and my D. I struggled considerably on my own, more than I realized in some ways, but I have made it a point to be grateful for the many blessings in my life. I rebuilt my life and it is not perfect, but there are many, many good things and I am fortunate to have blessings like these.
I'm not going to lie and say that I wouldn't still like an apology, or to know why, or to somehow feel validated by X as a good wife and good person--to know that the long time we spent together mattered. I don't think I will ever have that acknowledgement, but I am more accepting of that uncertainty now.
And...all that matters less now. I am focused on the future w/New Guy, seeing our beautiful Ds grow up, and appreciating what life has had to offer. Simple things matter more to me now.
X lurks in the shadows, preoccupied w/New Woman and her tragedy. I have felt sad for her, but more so for our daughter, who very much needs his attention. X has improved w/parenting some. Otherwise, he is pretty much a lost soul. I feel sorry for him but do not confuse love and pity.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Thanks forward, very thought provoking post. None of us know what the future holds, there are so many possible futures that could play out and you just gave me a glimpse of one.
I find it very sad that the destruction continues on years later with your daughter still suffering from her dads choices and actions. And that your X who I am sure you once held dear to your heart is still lost, still not able to acknowledge or validate you, and stuck in an unhappy life.
I am so glad to hear that you have found happiness yourself. That's just wonderful. It does show that happiness comes from the work you do within yourself and learning to be grateful for the small things every day. And focussing on the future rather than the past.
I wish you and your D and your new man lots of positive vibes
Me46, H49, D17, D11 M22, T25 BD Dec26 2011 he moved out Feb29 2012
I can only hope that I can move on like you did Forward. You are an inspiration to me. I really feel for your D, and hope your X comes out of the hole before he loses her completely.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Forward, I have a question for you. I am the one who left, I am the one who filed for D. I have been D again, I was the one who was left this time. Going through this has finally put me in the position my first wife was in years ago and I have had thoughts of contacting her to acknowledge that and apologize. That said, I am mindful of putting her through the pain all over again. I assume she has gotten over it to a good degree by now. From what I now she has remarried and has a child on the way. If you can take a look at my post and let me know what you think. Should I contact her and apologize? Important point: I ended up marrying my high school sweetheart who my first wife was always very sensitive about, always wondering if I loved her as much as I loved the high school sweetheart....
Forward, I have a question for you. I am the one who left, I am the one who filed for D. I have been D again, I was the one who was left this time. Going through this has finally put me in the position my first wife was in years ago and I have had thoughts of contacting her to acknowledge that and apologize. That said, I am mindful of putting her through the pain all over again.
I think if you feel sorry then you should tell her. It may momentarily remind her of the pain, but in the long run it will help both of you.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Nice to hear from you Forward, I was just thinking to myself about closure and about 3 years ago I took it up with my counsellor. And she couldn't understand what I meant. But I've just realised that somehow I got/had closure on it, it's like its just came out of the ether. So I no longer need any words or letter from the Ex wife.
4311, I read your sitch and I guess I'd say "It depends."
When you say that you loved your W but weren't in love with her, well, she wouldn't want to hear that. She doesn't want to hear that 15 years were a mistake. But she doesn't want to hear that you miss her, either.
What she wants to hear is that you valued the time with her, that you loved her then (you did, didn't you?) and that you are sorry you treated her the way you did.
And she doesn't want this to be about YOU. This isn't about YOU clearing the air to feel better about yourself and then suddenly pour your heart out to her about your recent lost love. A simple apology, and then not a lot more. Assuming she's moved on, you don't need to complicate her feelings just to feel better yourself.
It sounds as though you need to reconcile practicalities of love with the romantic feelings. People get bored with each other and say they are not "in love," but I think that you do indeed choose to love.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
It depends on your R with your first XW. If she still holds animosity towards you, then I wouldn't. When you D'd her, how did you treat her? Was she begging to have you back but you blew her off? If so, then I wouldn't say anything.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The New Woman passed away. X is, at least for the present 10 minutes, by himself. He is also due for another surgery.
I notice that he pays more attention to D, which is good to see. I figure he might look for ways out of spending time w/D when he meets a new girlfriend.
D has said things to me like "Daddy said you didn't clean enough." It angers me that he's saying such things, but I think I need to tell her these are adult topics that she doesn't need to hear. She has a lot of child fantasies that we'd get back together...when I think about it now, I realize it was better that we did split up.
X is not a friend, more like someone I used to know now, a casual acquaintance. I don't have any emotional attachment and the primary emotion I have with him is annoyance. I'd help him if he needs help, but in general, I prefer to avoid him.
I have tried hard to learn from this past marriage. I've learned to try to ask for what I want so I don't become resentful.
New Guy and I are going strong, although I've been down with a couple of illnesses lately. Looking forward to a good 2013.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Very sorry to hear of his loss. It's a shame that he has not realized what he is doing to D and how to help her. Hopefully he has a chance going forward...
Quote:
I've learned to try to ask for what I want so I don't become resentful.
Silver lining, no?
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
