In Limbo

[labug]

Be open, see how it goes.

You don't really know what she thinks, do you?

If you want to end it just say, 'I'm done.'

[AJW]

Be open, see how it goes.

You don't really know what she thinks, do you?

If you want to end it just say, 'I'm done.'

Trying. Never been through a time in my life that requires so much patience but been so impatient. I can't give up now. It's only been 5 days since she moved out...

[asadgirl]

I am in mod too and it is frustrating...just keep posting and I will keep checking in!

[AJW]

Well it's become very apparent that MC with my WAS is premature. The therapist wanted us to carve out time for a "date" once a week and though I was hesitant we did it anyway. It created the perfect situation for bad things to happen. She didn't want to be there and was obviously distant and aloof and after all the small talk was drained I couldn't help myself and started talking about the R.

I think we need to tell the MC that dates are not feasible at this point. My W needs to get to a point where she's willing to try, not just willing to "show up". I wish she would just sh** or get off the pot.

[Neverlight]

I know exactly how it feels man. My wife moved out on December 26th 2012, and I have been working on myself since then while giving her space. This last 3 weeks has been hell, and I have only seen her in person once. She came by to drop presents off for my kids. I have done well not initiating conversations, or calling. I am giving her time to sort out emotions and space to do it in. At the same time, a part of me wants to let her know that I am thinking of her so that she doesn't feel like I have given up on us. It is a hard balancing act to follow sometimes.

[AJW]

@Neverlight - I read your story too and there are definitely similarities. Except of course that my wife had an emotional affair and this is a first marriage for both of us.

Except for this date that we tried, I've been GALing and detaching pretty well in the past couple weeks. In fact, I almost feel like I'm detaching too well. I'm almost starting to feel like I don't care which way she goes. There's a lot of history here, but my W has always run from commitment and her relational history (including our marriage) indicates that she wants relationships where people ask very little of her. My withdrawal and anxiety/depression was largely set in motion by the frustration and disillusionment with her not contributing and working at our marriage, in addition to stonewalling me any time our relationship required a serious talk. She frequently hid behind the excuse, “I’m just not that type of person, I can’t talk about things like you can.”

Anyway, I’m just venting now. I’m not at all saying she’s all to blame at all. If anything I’m seeing more and more how a healthy marriage requires two people willing to serve each other in love. And I’m not waiting for her. I’ve effectively addressed my anxiety/depression issues – taking A/D meds and seeing the MC. I’m also working out regularly which is no doubt helping my emotional and physical health. I had been lax in doing things around the house, but with my wife out of the house, I’ve stayed on top of laundry, dinner, cleaning, etc. The walls my wife has built up prevents her from seeing any personal changes, but overall I’m just happier, more engaging and more confident in my ability to tackle the day-to-day. In addition to the marital problems, my job is on the line due to outsourcing in our company. Previously I feel that I would have crumbled under the weight of so much stress and anxiety, but I’m really facing it head on. I don’t know if there are any Christians on the board, but I’ve also started to have somewhat of a reawakening. I have felt distant and near apathetic towards God in the last couple years as I’ve detached from life and grown discouraged, even while going to church. But I’m eating up marriage books, podcasts, and whatever else I can get my hands on and really have been encouraged by it.

If anyone is interested, look up Tim Keller’s book “The Meaning of Marriage” on Amazon. It’s authentic and unashamedly Christian in its view, but he writes for any audience. In addition, if you have iTunes you can get the free podcasts of a series of interviews with Tim and his wife Kathy Keller on Focus on the Family. In my younger, more foolish days, I kind of sneered at Focus on the Family as boring and vanilla, but when you’re going through a crisis like this, it is a Godsend.

[AnotherStander]

Well it's become very apparent that MC with my WAS is premature. The therapist wanted us to carve out time for a "date" once a week and though I was hesitant we did it anyway.

Good grief, all MC's must be given a handbook that has crap like that in it. Ours also had us do the same thing and it was so completely imappropriate for where we were that it just makes me roll my eyes now to think about it. That's a great technique for couples that have grown apart but still want to stay married. It's terrible for couples in which one spouse has left or is about to leave.

I think we need to tell the MC that dates are not feasible at this point.

You might consider stopping the MC. I've yet to read a single sitch in which it helped at all so soon after S, and more often it ends up doing damage. Most MC techniques are the opposite of DB'ing and they don't work with a WAS.

I wish she would just sh** or get off the pot.

Your sitch is barely 2 months old, you've got to settle in for the long haul because it's going to be many more months before you might start seeing baby steps.

Except for this date that we tried, I've been GALing and detaching pretty well in the past couple weeks. In fact, I almost feel like I'm detaching too well. I'm almost starting to feel like I don't care which way she goes.

I'll just warn you that many of us felt that way early on in detaching only to get blindsided by a roller coaster of emotions later. You're not fully detached until you can go for a month or more in which nothing your W does or says has any impact on your disposition.

I don’t know if there are any Christians on the board, but I’ve also started to have somewhat of a reawakening.

Yes, quite a few. My sitch actually created kind of the opposite effect that yours did. I felt very close to God and very thankful for my many blessings right up until the rug got ripped out from under me. Now I've come to believe that marriage is not ordained by God (if it were there would be no divorces) and that what I previously thought was the greatest thing I could offer God (faithfulness through my marriage) maybe doesn't mean so much to Him after all. I still believe in Him with all my heart and I am thankful for my life, but this experience has totally changed my views on marriage. Of course that's just my opinion, everyone has a different philosophy about this.

[Grizz]

I agree. Just when you think you have got the detaching stuff down something happens and you get sent right back on the roller coaster. Just keep on keepin on.