What I'm trying to do is to see that in the future it really won't be relevant anymore who left who and who did wrong. I want to take the shortcut to that future (thinking of that old kids' game Chutes & Ladders) and am telling myself to try acting like it doesn't matter RIGHT NOW.
My mantra today is "in the future this will not matter."
Just wanted to point out that my IC was not in favor of this little mind trick. This is old-me thinking, covering up my feelings and avoiding them.
She said that it is still important to recognize the type and intensity of my feelings about something, and then decide whether or not it is appropriate or beneficial to do/say something.
The idea that I caused our split gives me pain and the knowledge that many people will think whatever they might think and I can't control what they think, makes me feel misunderstood and angry.
In the moment, reading the email or facebook message that implies a lack of understanding of my role in the situation, may still not merit a response.
Will it ever be necessary or valuable to tell my H's sister and SIL my side of our story? Maybe, maybe not.
It was my decision that in this moment it wasn't necessary. I recognize that telling myself "in-the-future-this-will-not-matter" is an avoidant type coping mechanism. If I'm using it as a tool and not my whole skillset, then I think it has its place. In the middle of a board meeting, I will use it. Over coffee with a SIL, I might choose to be more real with myself.
I didn't want to leave this unchallenged, since it just isn't a 100% good idea.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi AD, I just want to say - I'm inspired by your sitch. My H has been threatening to leave for a while and I finally agree now that it would be the best thing. I have been sleeping on a pull out sofa for 4 months and I don't have my own space in my own house. It's horrible.
I am hoping that when H finally moves out I will feel the same sense of relief that you do. I know it's going to be a lot more work, but you seem at peace.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Yes, I would rather work hard in a happy home than have it easy in a miserable one, any day.
I did not want him to move out, and I really thought we might make it work once he saw how hard I was trying, but his walls were up every moment he was living separated in our house. It was counterproductive. There's no shortcut to seeing that though, you just have to live it until you wonder why you're still doing it.
It's still a big shock and traumatic, and upsetting, that H doesn't live here anymore, and it's hard for the kids. But it was also shocking, traumatic, and hard for the kids to have him living here and us walking on eggshells. We're just able to talk about it now.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Unfortunately, my children are a lot younger (9 and 6), so they don't really understand, but it is so painful for me to be around H with those walls up, either acting like everything is just grand or sulking as if the world is ending.
At some point, we have to realize that we are being dragged down and it's not good for anyone to continue on that way. I finally took my wedding ring off because it stopped symbolizing love and started to feel more like an anchor to me.
Just know, you sharing your experience here is very helpful. ((()))
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Is it the downer of the Holidays or is everyone it seems giving up? Do I give up on my M? This board is helpful in so many ways yet confusing at the same time. I sometimes see my W's side though some folks and see mine. Some in the middle. Lately it seems so many are giving up. I get encouraged and discouraged at the same time.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Separating isn't necessarily giving up. Breathing room can be a good thing which can allow both parties to re-evaluate. Filing for D is giving up, I think. Also sometimes giving up isn't necessarily a bad thing, if circumstances change. In your sitch FM your wife is so toxic sometimes that it may be best for you and kids to distance yourself.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I had discussions with my IC aabout what to say to people who didn't know about our situation. We decided on "he walked out" and to leave it at that unless they and I needed/wanted to go further.
I was pretty annoyed that H didn't tell anyone that he left, it just all seemed to get left to me which I felt was unfair but really in hindsight what did I expect. At the time he was running away from everything.
Mostly I just didn't want him to be saying anything that implied it was a mutual decision. Because it wasn't and I didn't think it was right for that message to be out there. I absolutely totally agree with NLW at the top of this page - two things - firstly wouldn't it be better if the idea of MLC was more known? might help people get help? and secondly I just don't think its OK for society to accept as "normal" or Ok for people to up and walk away from their responsibilities.
Me46, H49, D17, D11 M22, T25 BD Dec26 2011 he moved out Feb29 2012
For those new to Ad's journey, you should start at her early threads and read through, this has not been an easy process and Ad has had to dig really deep into her stuff to get where she is.
And as you can see by recent posts, she continues to do that.
Ad, I read your post about Christmas last year and I so remembered your anticipation and disappointment.
I don't look at my past threads and really have no desire to read them. I have a friend who journals on paper and when she completes a book, she burns it. Her answer when I asked why-"Because when if I read them it puts me right back into that place."
Interesting.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I haven't been able to go back and read my earliest posts here, or the notebook I filled before I got here, which is even worse.
FloydMan. Your post here sounded like you believe I have given up. What about my story sounds like I have given up? If I had not "given up," what would that look like to you? I'm curious.
I have held onto my marriage until my fingernails bled, and I have done only things that would give it the space and time to grow back - detachment, and all the 37 rules, which remember are counterintuitive. I have done them religiously for 19 months. I have no control over my H. So, I would like to know...what is giving up? What is *not* giving up?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
