First off, lets list some things that we're doing as we DB.
1st one is the most important. DEPRESSURIZE! It doesnt' mention this in DR.. but it does say many times that "if you do xxx you will pressure them"
Pressuring: 1. Professing love. Stop it! They know how much you love them. 2. Asking for assurances "well do you think we can date later and try to reconnect?" Don't do this either. More pressure. 3. But what about all these times? We had fun here, here look at these pictures.... No! bad boy! NO! Again, pressure. 4. Always calling n texting. Pressure to speak to you when they don't want to. Get use to your love not wanting to see or talk to you.
Second: Attractiveness. The more you show neediness etc, the less attractive you are. What happened to that strong man she saw in you? bring him back out!
1. Do not beg or plea for them to come back. 2. Do not keep asking how long they think they'll need.. 3. Do not ask them on a date. (in DR on this subject, read it) 4. Do not ask their whereabouts. Pressure and Needieness. Double killer. 5. Do not mope around. It's unattractive.
GAL: Getting a life is more attractive than most realize. It's not showing them "hey I'm doing sh1t" .. when you GAL... you "glow" You put off this aura of "I'm doing ok" People don't want to be with a mopy, no life sucker. GAL makes you overall happier and in the meantime of doing so, you take care of yourself and you put off this better vibe. When you go hang out with friends, sometimes we gt attracted to the one that doesn't seem to be having a good time. We want to approach them and see if we can help, talk to them. Comfort them etc. Sometimes you can hit it off that way. BUT! MOST OF THE TIME we want the ones having a better time. The ones who are more "lively"... be lively. Chances are better.
Respond to txts and emails sporradicly. Like, 2 replies should be delayed, then one that's immediate. Shows you're not hung up on them and also makes them wonder "well whats he doing, why didn't he answer?" The more "hung up" you show them you are, the more unattractive you are, they may not "think" that, but subconciously they are thinknig / feeling it. Not only do you have to battle the WS's concious mind, you must think about the subconcious as well. What's the natural response to xxx? If it's bad, don't do it. Do something else.
Good luck.
M: 36/W: 28 T 11yrs / M 7yrs /1x 3yo D Sept: W Cheated w/ teen, BDrop. W Beast. Hated me. Oct: 18 (M license)W Asked for D Oct: 31 (Anniverary)W Paid Lawyer Nov1st: Both moved.
BTW, this is only my experience talking. I fubared the DB at first and have been doing better, but kinda giving up atm.
As far as your quietness pushing her away? Well, to me only completely dark (ignoring her all together as well as not calling) is a pusher. Responding as people say, won't do this. In fact, I've seen people go completely dark and have a pos. effect. IMO, going dark is to get over people. Some say this makes them miss you, but lets talk about that a sec.
Completely Dark versus my "Into Shadows" IF you go completely dark and ignore them and not be around them... you're trying to make them miss the OLD YOU! Newsflash, THEY DON'T THINK THEY LIKE THE OLD YOU! Why in the world would they miss that? If you were flawed, you don't want them to miss that.
Into Shadows: (as I call it) You respond with positive vibes. If they come by, answer the door, be nice and show them a person getting along just fine without them. If they txt, be nice. But be slow to txt. Doing this does 2 major things. 1. Puts off the vibe that they aren't effecting you that much and most of the time makes them think "Uhh wow. Am I making a mistake here?" And 2. Gives you a chance to show them a man / person they'd be dumb to be leaving. Here they are dishing DOGPOO onto you, and you're being the nicest person in the world who'd thoughtful and kind.
M: 36/W: 28 T 11yrs / M 7yrs /1x 3yo D Sept: W Cheated w/ teen, BDrop. W Beast. Hated me. Oct: 18 (M license)W Asked for D Oct: 31 (Anniverary)W Paid Lawyer Nov1st: Both moved.
Never physical with her ever. Over the last 2 years we have had petty arguments and got over them. She started college online and works full time still, and didn't have lots of free time. Looking back, I definitely should have been more supportive around the house, complimented her more, etc. We went on a cruise in November 2012 and had a blast. We did get into an argument after where I told her that I wished we had a little more "us" time on the cruise instead of spending all seven days with her brother and friend. I started to really notice her behaving distant after the cruise and all through the month of December. I did find out that she had been speaking to a guy that I have only known for a few months, and is in a relationship, about our problems. She told him that she was willing to go to counseling, amongst other things, and there were even a few lines of sexual innuendos between them. That hurt me alot. It hurt because she was confiding in another man instead of with me. On the 26th of December, she came home from an early dinner and went to the livingroom. She sat on her usual side of the couch away from me, and basically ignored me most of the evening like she had been doing. I tried to "talk" to her, and couldn't get anything. I was so frustrated, hurt, and angry that I kept pushing her for what the problem was and what she wanted/needed. She told me that she cared for me as a person. She didnt say ILYBINILWY or that she didnt love me. I don't remember what else I said, but in anger she said that she was "done" and that she had tried for 2 years to make things work with us. I lost my cool and out of pure pain/hurt I punched the wall above the fireplace several times as hard as I could, and fell to the floor in tears due to her words. I asked her why she couldnt just forgive my mistakes and work things out together. She packed the next day, and moved to her parents. I have only been in physical contact with her once when she came over on 1-5-13 to give my kids their late Xmas presents.
So...I was working out of another office today, and my concerned mother was texting me. I ended up sending a reply to my wife somehow. My mother was basically telling me to be safe on the way back from where I was due to flash floods, etc. My answer that was supposed to go to her was " I will mom. I love you too and appreciate all you have done. I have good days and bad days, and know that I am far from perfect but all of this has opened my eyes to becoming a better person. I love April(my wife) very much and will continue to stay positive and keep my head up. Thanks again." My wife responded saying that she received the message and that was probably meant for my mother. I responded "Damn...yes it was to her. Hope you are doing well anyways." She responded with " Doing ok....glad you are hanging in there." I left it at that, and haven't said another word.
No new developments at this time. I have basically been going to work, coming home to work out, and watching movies to keep myself busy. The work week is definitely tough as I am alone in my house from the time I get off of work until I go to bed. I really don't have any friends to invite over to keep me company, and my family works nights. The weekends are better as I get to see my kids, and spend time with my family so at least I have that to look forward to each week. I have been taking Lexapro for anxiety/depression for a week now, and it seems to be working. No side effects for me as of yet. I think about my wife all the time, but I try not to let my mind wander too much. I want to know what she is thinking or doing, but I know that is not productive. At this point, I am just hoping that things will turn around, and that she will start to miss me. Until then, I am just focusing on keeping myself mentally strong, and healthy.
Keeping yourself busy is the best thing to do. I know you were conflicted about going dark...I think it is up to you, but if there is still a little glimmer from her side, I would probably throw a quick text her way every once in a while. But a closed comment..."Have a nice day". No questions. And don't expect a response or you will get yourself really upset if she doesnt do so or do it within the amount of time you feel appropriate. I am new here too and I am at the same point as you...my WAH dropped the bomb on Christmas day...nice, huh? So I am no expert.
Me: 40 H: 44 M:3 years T: 4 years Me: S9, D7 H: SS8; Twins: SD1=10 and SD2=10 Both married before.
Thank you very much for the post asadgirl. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and reply to my situation thus far. Yesterday, my two kids, parents, brother, SIL, and nephew all went to Dallas to hang out. It felt great getting out of the house. I did fight the urge a few times to think about what my wife was doing or what she would be doing on a Saturday night. I am getting better at not worrying about what she is doing, but it is tough at first. I have still not initiated contact with her at this point, but I want to feel it out first. Our house lease ends April 30th, so I am hoping that in the next three months some changes can be made for the better between us. If not, I will have to move into a new place at that point. For now, I continue to be strong, hopeful, and continue working on my DB techniques to better myself. I love my wife more than ever, and I will not give up on our marriage.
My aunt texted me today, who doesnt know about my situation with wife, and wanted to get parents address to send a thank you note and a gift. I didn't remember my in-laws address so I decided to text my wife briefly to get it. I texted the following:
" My aunt would like to send your parents a thank you card and a gift for taking the time to help with the land lease. May I give it to her?"
She replied with " Of course. The address is xxxxxxxx. How are you doing?"
I replied with " Thank you. I am doing good. I haven't felt this focused in a long time. Just keeping busy with work, keeping up with the house, and working out at the YMCA during the week. How have you been?"
She replied " I'm good....starting back to school this week and taking time to catch up with friends. Glad you're keeping busy. How is the new medication working for you?"
My response was, " It has been working great. No side affects and I don't feel uptight or nervous like I used to. I have also changed my diet and with working out I feel great. I am not tired all the time like I used to be. I am happy that you are spending time with friends, and wish you the best in school. I am about to go buy some groceries, but will talk with you later. Take Care. It is good to hear from you."
I am proud of myself for ending the conversation the way I did, and felt pretty good afterwards. Any critique on how I handled things or advice?
I am proud of myself for ending the conversation the way I did, and felt pretty good afterwards. Any critique on how I handled things or advice?
Great exchange, just don't have any expectations about it. Don't contact your W unless you need to for something like this. If she contacts you it's OK to respond. Keep everything light and fluffy. No pressure, no R talk at all. Don't get excited when a text or phone call goes well, a lot of people have a conversation like this and think "things are going so much better now, I should ask about reconciling!" BAD move.
