House for sale. So Sad. Family Breaking Up (pt 2)

[FloydMan]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...256#Post2311256

Had to create a new topic I guess. Link to original posts is above.

Hope it works.

Definitely dinner with the lady does not count as GAL RegretfulLA. I spend a lot of time with my kids and do things. More than W. Am definitely there for them more. I have not talked to her in 6 days. She has not brought up dropping the price of the house and avoids conversation with me too. I did come across some notes she wrote when I was using the printer in the office. Looks like notes from a coaching or counselling session she had. I felt guilty so I did not look at the whole thing. All I saw basically was that she was sad and she was being coached on how to move on. Huh. To me she does not come across as sad but rather angry. To the kids I can tell she is putting on a phony happy act.
I spend a lot of time with them, especially d10.
We are gearing up for a long litigation process re; finances and custody/access arrangements. I will not give up my kids. GAL is needed and do some things, but I will not abandon them for that either. I am the responsible one in this that is for sure. Not being self-righteous, that is just the circumstance right now.
Two women, who are single sent me Happy New Years’ notes right at midnight. They know my sitch and I know they have an interest in me and have expressed it. They are very attractive and professional, hardworking ladies. Nice ego kick, but I am not ready.

[FloydMan]

Any thoughts out there on my sitch? W and I have not spoken any words in a week. Pass each other occasionally but avoid each other.
My gut tells me there is OM in play. Not 100%, but fairly sure.
She has not put her fair share of $ in the joint account for bills, expenses etc in a while. This was our last convo a week ago and it was not a pleasant one. She wants me to leave her family alone. I sent her parents a 50th Anniversary card and she was very angry with me for that. Yet, she sends Christmas and birthday gifts to my nieces and nephews. I pointed out the hypocrisy and it only made the convo worse and then the $ disagreement.

[tori2012]

FM, there is a main Q for you:
Do you still want to save your M?

I think there's a lot of anger/defensiveness on her part. Is she planning on moving out of the house? What is the plan?

[FloydMan]

Thanks Tori.
Yes, I do. She knows this. I have not brought up R in months though. She out of the blue before Christmas said there was no hope. I was not talking about R. It is a complicated story, as obviously all are on this board. She is definitely full of anger and defensiveness. Anything I do or say W sees as a hidden agenda. Not sure if you saw my original posts and thread.
My family is now quite upset with her (they do not know of A even). Her family, parents are disappointed too. Months ago when she went on a tirade on me she slipped that her parents are unhappy and had pressured her. I get secret “hello’s” and hugs through the kids from them. I was very close to her family as she was to mine. My sister and W were very, very close and same with my brother’s wife. W is Godmother to a niece and nephew as well. My family loved her so much. She always claimed and even said in therapy she loved my family more than her own. Close friends are disappointed and know the man I am. Some coddle her and make her feel better though they cannot understand. They say what she talks about or complains about are very typical M things and they don’t get it. Some disagree with W so she avoids them and speaks ill of them now.
The house is up for sale since end of Nov… she forced it legally. We were both given the advice legally not to leave the marital home (abandonment) until sold. We have been in separate bedrooms since May 14. The kids are distraught and especially d10 lets her know of disapproval. I was pressuring for months and all the other no-no’s until I read DB and started this process and am doing 180 and LRT.

[FloydMan]

Since the summer we have agreed that she is not to do my laundry or anything for me. W has made this proclamation several times since and I have asked her not to do it. She keeps doing it. She did it today. My clothes are in my own hamper in my room and I am blessed enough to have plenty. Not like it was needed. My room and my space is kept tidy. Hers is not. Why would she keep doing it? I have done my own laundry since I was 13 and lived on my own before marriage. We even had this laundry debate about a month ago as she made point that she still does it and I told her not to. She misses bill payments and many other obligations she has for herself but does my laundry instead. She won't look at me or talk to me but does my darn laundry. Our d10 has been away for two days but W has not even reached out to her. But she does my laundry. Wtf? Is she that mixed up?

[justjudy]

Hey FloydMan

I don't have any answers just wanted to say WTF with you!!! They just do the craziest things, with the craziest priorities and I just don't get it at all.

Is it habit? Is it because she know it will bug you? Is she doing hers and it is just practical good sense to do yours at the same time? Is it her way of showing that deep deep down she still cares? or a crazy mixture of all of the above

I am feeling snaky today so I have come online to vent - can you tell!!!

[FloydMan]

Ya me too. Feeling snaky. We have those days. It is so odd. She makes all these rules and she breaks them. Her own rules. There are plenty. Can't win for trying. We discussed the practicality of mixing the laundry but with the kids stuff there is plenty. Looks like she just did mine. Maybe to bug me. Maybe habit. But then she will throw it in my face in a rant later on. The way she treats me I don't think it is out of caring. Over a week since we last spoke. This is not like me to not communicate. Very much like her. The 180/LRT maybe is confusing her. I don't like playing head games any more than Being on the receiving end but this is the suggested course of action.

[RegretfulLA]

FM -
I suggest you read this post - may be helpful in understanding dynamics and the value of detachment...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2312110#Post2312110

It's not really giving up... it's all part of the plan.

[labug]

FM, what head games are being played and who is playing them?

[FloydMan]

Sometimes I feel the 180/LRT is but I know in the end it is for me. I am just more of a person to deal with things openly and it just feels like it sometimes. Otherwise I don't believe I play any...and least not consciously or intentionally. W thinks there is a MO behind everything I do or say. She is full of head games...to many to list. Definitely through emotional and financial. The whole cold shoulder and shut down thing that she has done over the years in emotionally abusive. Not sure she really grasps that concept but I have heard twoMC's try to explain that to her. It is controlling behaviour. Walking away, tardiness are part of passive-aggressive behaviour whether conscious or not. She will start a convo/argument and then walk away once she gets her shots in. The is no middle ground or reason especially once contradictions are pointed out. For example she was furious I sent her parents a 50th anniversary card and said to leave her family alone. However, days earlier she sent my nieces and nephews birthday and Christmas presents and a few months ago took my SIL out for dinner. My SIL and her were best friends but now SIL does not think much of her and her behaviour. W sets family boundaries then hypocritically contradicts herself. I pointed out that and she lost it even more. Her parents send me hugs and "hello's" through the kids and I was very close to them. I suspect they are disappointed in her and what is happening. perhaps they pressure her. they are very old school. There are a ton of examples but that is one recent.