I agree with LIS On the crying. Let it out. It goes away. I am not ashamed even as a man I bawled my eyes out for a while. I cannot cry anymore but still working on the hurt. Let it out kiddo. Then when you are with the kids you can be strong.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Come to think of it I cried once in therapy and my W noted I was weak and the MC/psychologist told her sternly "No, that is the expression of emotional strength. Holding it in and pretending is emotional weakness and comes out in more hurtful ways later on." W did not like that too much. Clearly she saw me as weak, but I know who I am and what I am. Cry away SB. Let it out. You are strong.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I just got caught up with your situation. I have not posted to you in a long while, but I feel compelled since you are going thru such a tough, tough time and because I have gone thru a lot of what you are experiencing. I can tell you that what you have written in most of your threads and posts, I have written myself, or thought of or expressed to one (or many) friends and family as well.
I forewarn you and apologize in advance - this is a VERY LONG post...
I don’t mean to hijack with my personal biography, but I want to tell you about my sitch because I am just a bit ahead of you in this journey. My hope is that you can see that no matter what happens in the coming months, you can and WILL survive this.
My H left three days before Xmas two years ago. I was 6 weeks pregnant with our third child. Our two other daughters were 3 and 2 at the time. We had just moved in to our “dream home” two weeks before he left.
As you and everyone else, I was shocked and completely devastated when he dropped the bomb. I don’t think I said more than three words total on Xmas that year. I wanted to die and the only reason I kept going was because of my girls and unborn son.
When my H left, he had been involved in an EA for two months. He started dating other women just 3 weeks after he left, asked for a D a week later and his EA finally turned into a PA four months after he left. It’s now been two years and he is still with OW.
H spent most of last year partying and travelling with OW. I went thru my pregnancy pretty much without him, just like you. Like your H, mine was also completely detached from the girls for many months. On top of that, he neglected our finances as well.
For my part, I did everything wrong. I spend the first six months trying to “win him back” and letting him do as he wished. I had no boundaries, no sense of self, and was so fearful of him filing for D that I basically let him cake eat. I even kept silent about his R with OW. Unfortunately while I was doing all of this, I was also accumulating A LOT of anger and resentment towards the sitch and him.
I also made the mistake of having expectations. I was sure that once our S was born, he would come back. Naturally, because he had everything he wanted, not only he didn’t come back, but a week after our S’s birth he told me he was in love with OW and would pursue that R openly. I was once again crushed and continued to do everything wrong. All my anger and resentment came out and we have spent pretty much the last year fighting. I have done everything – call him, text him, ask him why, guilt him, plead, argue, fight, call him out on his lies (which continue still today), etc.
As a result, I have successfully validated his decision to leave, I have pushed him more into OWs arms and we now hardly speak to each other. He has filed for D and has now really gotten involved not only with OW’s kids and family, but has made OW a daily part of OUR children’s lives, which is what now hurts me the most.
Financially, H’s recklessness (and my conscious choice to allow it) has left us with nothing. Our life savings are gone and bankruptcy is pretty much inevitable. To top it all off, my H got laid off on 9/11 and he doesn’t seem in a hurry to find a new job, most likely motivated by a desire to force me back to work so he can come out better in the final D settlement.
Why do I tell you all of this? Not to depress you, but to tell you that all of that happened because I DIDN’T DETACH, I KEPT THE FOCUS ON HIM INSTEAD OF ME. I was so desperate to get him back, to get our life back that I failed to accept the reality that at least for now, HE IS GONE. I failed to accept that I needed to live my life accordingly and forget about him, his selfishness, his recklessness, his OW, his love or lack thereof and his feelings for me.
Look, I don’t know if our Hs are in MLC or are just WAHs. I don’t know if they are sick or not. I don’t know if OWs are the true love of their lives or if their Rs are doomed to fail because of how they started. But IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER because those answers that you (and I) so desperately want, will NOT change our current lives in ANY way.
Look, I would have loved that what has happened to you, me and everyone on these boards had not occurred. But it did. Is it fair? Do we deserve it? In the end, IT DOESN’T MATTER. The past is gone. Our past marriage is gone and the only thing we have is our here and now and how are we going to deal with it.
Look, I have been THE WORST DBer when it comes to my H and saving my M, and I would love for you to see my case and learn what NOT to do.
And even though my H and I will be D sometime this year and I am still very much in pain about it, I have learned a couple of valuable lessons thanks to DB and this painful, painful period in my life (which is not even close to ending any time soon).
One of those is that we can shift our mindset from “Did I deserve this”, which basically leaves you in victim-mode and powerless, to “I deserve better” which empowers you to determine how you will live your life from now on.
The only thing that will change our lives and our situations and our pain NOW is a shift in focus to YOU AND YOUR KIDS…
SB, I can tell you right now, that if it wasn’t for my kids and my unborn son, I would not be here today writing this looooong post. I did not save my M and I am not proud of the way I have sometimes acted with my H since he left (or before), but I can tell you that thanks to this experience, I have become an amazing mom. I have focused my energies in my kids and used all my strength to show them a new me. A more positive me – the one I used to be and lost somewhere along the way.
I have not let my sorrow and grief get to them. I have crying sessions – when I shower, when I drive and when I am in bed at night in the dark. And I let it all out. And it still comes out after two years… And I vent with my BFF and my sister and sometimes here and with my virtual friends on FB…. But my kids NEVER see me cry because of my sitch with H. I make sure they don’t hear me talking about any of this either.
I have decided that I will show them with my example how to survive and face setbacks in life. I have decided to fake it till I make it and have them see a happy mother. And you know what? It has worked. From the woman that could not utter a sentence at Xmas two years ago, I have become a mom that does everything for my kids. I volunteer at their pre-school. I take them on hikes, to the snow, to the mountains, to the beach, sand-sledding, to the park, on playdates, to their grandparents’ house, to my MIL and SIL’s houses.
I sit down and have every meal with them and I talk to them and joke and engage with them. I watch TV with them and cuddle and we sing and dance. We read at bedtime, we sing at bedtime. We play games. I tell them I love you and kiss and hug them several times a day. I prompt them to talk about their feelings (they are still too young to fully understand the sitch, but they clearly struggle.)
Is it easy? Heck no. Sometimes I have to go to the bathroom to compose myself when they start talking about OW, how she is their BFF, how great she and her kids are… But I try as hard as I can to not let them see how any of this affects me, because even though they are young, they can perceive MOST things. And if they see me struggle, they will struggle more.
And filling my time, my mind and my heart with love for them, has helped me heal in many ways. I sure still miss my H and I still mourn the loss of my M and the dream of the life we were building, but I know I will be ok. How? Well, because it’s been 2 years and I am still here! The newborn son that I took care of without my H is now a happy toddler and my oldest D is now in Kindergarten!
So I am still trying and still going. I am still working on ME. On fixing the flaws that led me to my impending D, BECAUSE I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON, FOR ME... I am now trying to fix my R with others in my life. I am unlearning a lifetime of co-dependecy and abandonment issues. It’s surely taking me A LOT longer than most. I have such a long way to go and I fail miserably many days. And I am still not even at a decent co-parenting stage with my H, but I am not giving up. I know things will only get better, because I have survived two years of this, and as painful as it it, I am better today and I will continue working on myself until I reach that day where I have no anger, when I am open and ready for a new beginning, a new relationship and when I will finally be able to say “I am happy.”
And in the meantime, I have the most amazing three kids that I need to be strong for and who will in turn keep me strong (and busy – lol…). So that is how I deal with this nightmare day to day…
SB, I want to send you a huge hug. I KNOW how hard this all is. The fear, the raging hormones, the uncertainty, the feeling of being discarded at your most vulnerable, the complete destruction of our self-esteem, the sense of unfairness, the fears about parenting a newborn without your spouse. And I won’t lie, it won’t be easy, but it WILL get easier little by little.
And you have a choice – you can continue focusing on your H and dwelling on how and why or you can choose to change your mindset and focus on the amazing gift you have – your amazing daughters and the precious little angel that will come to bring a new light into your life. And he is almost here, so you’d better be ready to give him the best welcome ever! ☺
So what are you going to choose NOW?
(((((((((((((((((((Sweetbriar)))))))))))))))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I want to come back and read KG's post and write more to you later, but i have to run. I just wanted to say that learning guitar was a goal of mine too and so I can wholeheartedly recommend...YOUTUBE. FREE guitar lessons, on your own time, without leaving the house. Also I have a meetup in your area that I started in order to help me learn how to play, and some of the people closer to your neck of the woods are started to volunteer to host, so when you have three or four chords learned check it out. We've had almost complete beginners come and have fun.
It might be hard to play around your belly right now, but keep it in mind for the future. It won't cost you a dime.
Love and hugs, have a good day.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
And KeepGoing, you are awesome. Your words will help a lot of struggling people.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Wow! KG...I loved reading (and re reading) your post today. You are very inspirational. It is nice to hear (and Im sorry you had to go through it) someone elses story of pregnancy and betrayal and abandonment. I AM struggling right now. I have had really good weeks and then BAM....here I am focusing all on him and OW and how great she must be. I want to believe that she is a temporary fix, but I doubt it. He really seems to be in love, although not happy? Does that make sense??
I got a lot more awful texts today...basically blaming me for EVERYTHING that has happened and just throwing in my face the fact that he is still supporting me and that everything I Have is because of him. He also mentioned that he doesnt know how I can sleep at night knowing how depressed and sad he is. That the reason I have this beautiful home is because of him. He also said that the kids and I dont appreciate him and what he has to do to support us.
He even told me today that he realizes now what its like to be really loved and that he can never turn back...he deserves it. I guess he deserves love more than he kids deserve a family life and a dad in their lives...never have I seen or heard something more selfish. He lives at his parents and goes to OWs house when he feels like it and lives a life with her with no bills, no kids, no dogs, no intrusions...a "perfect" world and becuase of her age...they will always have that. They dont seem to have anything going against them:(
I know that my life must move on and that I must focus on me but its hard. He also told me that I wont be happy until he is dead and that I am pushing him in that direction. That the grief and sadness and pain is unbearable.
I try to imagine a life without him...a life of just my kids and I and I struggle with that. We had a nice life and he destroyed that...and he has no remorse at all. I know that one day it will be better...but I just wanted him and OW to fail...and it kills me that they havent. In fact, they seem to have gotten stronger.
H also said that he loves me but hated our marriage...does that make sense?
I do feel better today than yesterday...but still feel sick when I think about OW and him..I dont know what happened for them to come back intruding my mind...I had put it aside for awhile now...I really believe it was painting the baby's room and realizing how close the deliver is that triggered my emotions of them again.
Im going back to NC for myself. I will not be texting him again...and I will just send him a picture of the baby when he is born....sad as it is....
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Hi SB. You need a mantra or something to block your thoughts and your H's vicious destructive communications.
He is sick in the head.
Think about it. When you were first in love and head over heels and you were reveling in the feeling of being wonderfully loved, how much time out of your day would you have spent sending another person messages like that? Your H is trying to create drama and trying to hurt you. If you need to, block his texts and calls for a while and tell him if he continues to send you messages like that via other means that you will block them too.
Tell him you will coparent and not stand in the way of the best relationship with his children that he can build, but you will not subject yourself to this purposeless garbage. I haven't recommended this in a while, but Pia Mellody's set of CDs on boundaries would be really helpful for you in dealing with this stuff.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Ad...you are right..I do think he is very sick. The thing is...I feel like I brought this on myself by texting him and Im mad at myself. I also feel like I just put myself into a boxing ring and got beat up....and now Im trying to defend myself again and in my head telling myself that I must have been really bad since he feels this way:( I did this to myself....
Now Im reading into everything he wrote.
There is one thing that Im questioning that he wrote..he said "I've made peace with this..I wouldnt be going through hell if it wasn't necessary".
This to me says that he knows the hurt and the awfulness of what he has done...but he had to do it because he was that unhappy. I want to believe that this is one more justification of what he is doing but why would someone put themselves through hell on purpose? He must be aware of his actions.
I didnt get to mention earlier that I did got to IC today and once again he told me that my marriage is over and I need to move on. He isnt really reassuring. I guess he sees a lot of this stuff and he probably knows when to advise to just walk away. He thinks H has a lot of early childhood issues, that he is very sick and that he will continue down this path of destruction. He doesnt think I should waste my time. The thing is..he is probably right but I still hate to give up, although these past 2 days of texting have only told me one thing...H is done with me and our marriage:( I must say....my IC went through this...his I had affair and he ended their marriage...he is happily remarried now...but that may be some of the reason he is easy to advise this...he always tells me there is something and someone better out there for me.
H did text tonight that he still wants to go to my sono appt next Monday and I am not allowing him to. This is for my sanity. I will not feel comfy exposing my belly and being in an enclosed room with him with our current situation. I also feel like he shouldnt get the glory of a sonogram when he is sleeping with OW. Some might disagree...but I dont think a sonogram is preventing him from his son...
I also am having an issure already with the birth. Some have already advised to re think letting him be there for the birth. But, this will put me in complete anxiety during birth and I dont think I need to be in that state of mind. I will be giving birth and thinking about him with OW while is is standing there and I cannot put myself in that position. So, for the sake of myself (yes...Im being selfish for once) I dont want him there at all. I also know that my whole family will be there and they will not be so nice to him and that will give me anxiety too. Is the the wrong choice?? He has NOT been a single part of this pregnancy except for being the sperm donor..why should be he there for the glory?? Just my opinion..I'm open to other opinions...He thinks this is me being mean because I'm not getting my way on him coming home...but I have said this from the beginning...
SB
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
