WAW Trial Separated Living together

[Paulie_Boy]

My wife conceeded our marriage in October after what she says was 2 years of "stuff" that just chipped away at our relationship. I never thought that things were in that state & didn't really think she meant what she was saying to me until she just pulled away physically and emotionally. She is having an affair (emotional) and has been since October. SO basically 2 months now it's been the 2 of them doing things together after work (they do work at the same company). There have been lies etc. & I finally caught her with proof in early December. She did admit to her "friendship" but as it turned out (and I knew it) it was more than that. She is continuing to see him and there is nothing I can do about it. I won't force her to stop because we all know it won't stop. It's her decision to want to stop. I really just am confused about everything & need some guidence I guess. A part of me wants to get some dates down for starting a legal separation and getting separate residences. Living while seaprated kind of [censored] but we have 2 boys age 3.5 and 5.5 yrs. Can't even imagine not waking up with them in the morning or not having them 3-4 days a week.The other part of me gets it, she is done and I need to move on and start to heal myself and focus on me. From what I hear it takes about 6 months to get there and then another year before you really feel like yourself again. i just need to get to some kind of closure with this and get moving in the right direction. I feel she is draggin her feet because she is probably in this fantasy world and i am a safe backup. Well, I just don't see how we can resolve what we have been through, all the lies and deception it's crazy. just not possible to mend. Do I make the move and just tell her this is what we are going to do and when? I just need to be ready to make that deceision and know that it is the right thing to do. Thoughts??

M: 5 years
Known: 17 years
Kids: 2 boys

[asadgirl]

I am sorry you are going through this. If you feel you could never get over an affair, then I think you have your answer. I am new here so I am not the best for advice but I can offer support.

[ForeverYoung]

You're right, you can not make her give him up, she has to decide to do that. But you can tell her you need her to end it, for your marriage and family to have a chance. Then back away and detach. Focus on you and your kids. Build a happy and fulfilling life for yourself without her.

Whatever you do, don't file or throw down an ultimatum unless you are ready to follow through with it. You will lose all credibility if you do that and then change your mind.

Have you read DR yet? It will help you decide how to proceed. DB requires us to be patient.

[Big Bruce]

I am the least qualified of North America to give advice, but they say affairs end between 6-9 months.
Which means if you hang in there... there will be a chance, maybe.

As for the deception and all, well, it was kind of to be expected, don't you think?

Good luck.

[swoop]

My advice is to NOT act on your emotions. You will be very inclined to make snap decisions and act on them out of anger or hurt. DON'T do this. I have learned that lesson the hard way. Take your time, slow down and realize this isn't going to be over immediately. It is going to take time and you will have opertunities to make decisions, life changing decisions. Don't rush them!

You really need to take account of what you really want the outcome to be. Do you "honestly" think you cannot get past the infidelity. I used to think that way, to some point I still do. However, what if things in you marriage changed for the better tomorrow...or the next day....or a year from now? Perhaps it would change your perspective on how you feel today.

in regards to detaching, read up on that. I am still struggling really hard on what it means and how to go about, almost 3 months into my situation. You really need to get the ball rolling sooner than later in regards to this.

This forum has some extremely good advice givers and some truly caring people. I would recommend asking questions and expressing your feelings, some call it journaling. Do that right here on this page. Sare your experience and open up. The more detail you add, the more helpful support you will recieve. Don't make any real moves or decisions until you gather some feedabck. If I would have approached my own situation like this, I feel that I would undoubtedly be in a better place today.

I am sorry this is happening to you, but keep in mind something similar is happening to everyone here. You have support, and you are in charge of what is best for you.

[GH31]

Paulie Boy,

My wife conceeded our marriage in October after what she says was 2 years of "stuff" that just chipped away at our relationship.

I'm very sorry to hear this.

I never thought that things were in that state & didn't really think she meant what she was saying to me until she just pulled away physically and emotionally.

None of us did.

I didn't and the results were catastrophic.

Breathe.

She is having an affair (emotional) and has been since October. SO basically 2 months now it's been the 2 of them doing things together after work (they do work at the same company).

If this affair isn't physical already I will eat my soiled underpants.

There have been lies etc. & I finally caught her with proof in early December.

Rule Number One: All Cheaters Lie.

You can tell they're lying if their mouths are moving.

Everything you ever thought was true about your wife is no longer true, nor will it be true again until/unless this affair ends. 95% of them do end.

You must accept that for the time being an alien has abducted your wife and taken over her body. She will not be in any fit state to be your wife for now.

Back way off, do not pursue, and postpone any major decisions for at least three months.

I have been there brother.

Your emotions will be all over the place now.

Take a deep breath, expect this all to take a very long time and do your venting here.

You are just starting out and have much to learn.

I feel she is draggin her feet because she is probably in this fantasy world and i am a safe backup.

Yep.

Well, I just don't see how we can resolve what we have been through, all the lies and deception it's crazy. just not possible to mend.

You can.

But not now and not soon.

Do I make the move and just tell her this is what we are going to do and when? I just need to be ready to make that deceision and know that it is the right thing to do. Thoughts??

Do not make any decisions just yet.

You have hurt your wife deeply and in ways which are difficult to fathom.

But you will learn in time if you stick around here.

GH31

[littleGTO]

Hi, Paulie boy,
I think you said it yourself in your line "I just need to be ready to make that deceision and know that it is the right thing to do."

#1 You need to be ready. Give yourself time.
#2 You need to know whatever decisions you are going to make are the right thing for YOU. So, don't make a quick decision & regret it later.

I agree that you need to be ready to follow through if you give an ultimatum.

Many of us here have H/Ws in EA/PAs and we are choosing to try to save our Ms. In DBing you are ultimately trying to save yourself first to give your M the best chance in the end.

Read the books-DB/DR. They will be your guides. COme here often. Read lots and lots of posts. I guarentee you will find many that speak to you. There are some pretty "cookbook" lines that our cheating S's will say in order to justify what they are doing. They invent new things as they go. More lies, but sadly may before their realities.

The truth is none of us here knows where our paths will end--w or w/o our S. But, you will get the support you need and you will offer your M the best possible opportunity to survive this crisis.

Patience, patience, and more patience.

180's, GAL, goals, and detaching--all big words and practices to incorporate in your journey.

You are lucky (as am I) to have found this place--for no other people will understand where you are as the great people here!