You may have nothing to hide out of shame, but you do have a legitimate need for some privacy in order to effectively process and learn from what is going on in your marriage.
This is a private place, your IC office is another. Your emails to ACOA people may be another. So be very careful to delete them or to not use email.
I understand the journey you're on takes a lot of ugly thoughts in the middle. I've said a lot here and a lot in counseling that I would not say to H because he would not understand that I'm in a healing process. I have to perceive it the way I perceive it, even if that's unfair and unflattering to him, in order to get to a better place myself.
So get back there and delete that email when you get a chance, and maybe stick to F2F or phone conversations when you need to discuss your W in a way you wouldn't want her to read. That's fair; you have a right to SOME privacy.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Man is it nice having Ala non support via phone. I talked to lady today about my anxiety of this "One thing I am paranoid about is I forget to delete some email threads between me and my ACOA sponsor."
She help me understand to let it go. That the communication was about your personal growth and if it upset her its on her. That in the future we will talk and do nothing via email. That I offered her ammends by stating "please feel free to tell me anything that bothers you in the future"
It is really nice having a support system outside of friends and family. This is really what I need.
Thx Ad. Yes I do have a right to privacy. Catch 22. I'm trying to establish trust by showing her I have nothing to hide. But then I slip up and have email conversations with my ACOA rep. Again emails weren't terrible but did talk about control, losing power to W etc...Maybe enough to piss her off. BUT. I gave her a chance this morning to address it if she felt it was necessary. Just got off phone with my support leader and she really helped me to just let it go. (at this point I don't even know if she read them, I have strong suspicion she did. I fell asleep with D at 830 and woke up at 11 and my phone was down with her)
Either way very nice to have someone I can call that is not family or friends giving me biased opinions.
Man is it nice having Ala non support via phone. I talked to lady today about my anxiety of this "One thing I am paranoid about is I forget to delete some email threads between me and my ACOA sponsor."
She help me understand to let it go. That the communication was about your personal growth and if it upset her its on her.
while it is true^^ about your personal growth, it's also weird that you "forget" to delete them. Do you think it is possibly passive aggressive behavior on your end? I mean, this way she can find the negative feedback, and hear what you feel, without you having to face her...just a thought.
That in the future we will talk and do nothing via email.
GOOD. Lesson learned, Problem solved. So if a problem is being worked on, it's not a problem anymore. So we Let it go. There's Nothing else to do. That I offered her ammends by stating "please feel free to tell me anything that bothers you in the future"
just curious, how is telling her to let you know when something bothers her, an "amend"? As I understand it, making amends requires that you own a mistake of yours & apologize for any hurt caused by that mistake. It is really nice having a support system outside of friends and family. This is really what I need.
Support systems are key to living a good life. Eventually you'll see that you create your support system in life. Those who are not supportive of you, will matter less & less. (Other than family members or bosses, who we MUST be around, you can avoid nearly all unsupportive people in your llfe).
The key is learning that you cannot FORCE (or manipulate) someone into becoming supportive of you, or to approve of you. At EE, You will learn to affirm yourself and to give yourself your own stamp of approval.
If you have a critical alcoholic parent, you cannot make them love you in a healthy way. You cannot change them. AND You cannot re-do your childhood. It was, what it was.
You MAY be able to have a healthier r w/that parent, from this day forward. You will also learn how to let go of the past, which we all must do.
BTW, My r with my alcoholic father vastly improved after EE, and I learned not to care much about what my MIL believed about me as a mother/wife. Her data was not real.
So it mattered about as much as the homeless guy who hangs out at the local gas station, & calls women over 30, BAD names. I recall once wondering to myself, if it was "something I was wearing" that triggered him. Think about how wacky that was!
Then it dawned on me that "he's a homeless man who knows nothing of me! Why do I care what HE says? He's mentally ill and doesn't know me!"
Similarly, when others judge us, and their data isn't real, it matters NOT. If their data IS real, and we have a problem to work on, we begin solving it.
And like I said earlier, a problem being solved, is no longer a problem.
So I learned to let go of caring about that stuff, at all.
When you learn how to feel good about yourself, and how to feel "darn good enough" in your life, you'll stop trying to make someone approve of you, and you'll stop needing their support.
and this will increase the peace in your life, and greatly reduce the conflict.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 absolutely not on emails. I may dumb but not stupid. I put the emails in my trash folder via gmail and forgot to click delete forever. I clicked delete. So on the iphone if she clicks on my trash folder it would pop that folder and the messages were there. Why I think she read them because when I clicked on my trash folder via iphone those messages were already there. They were popped and it wasn't by me. Set my anxiety high all day long.
I think my ACOA leader meant I gave her the chance to address anything she MAY have read (overanalzying here because I just don't know 100%. I was so exhausted last night) by reaching out to her this morning and stating please try not to hold anything and lets talk about things sooner rather then later when something I may have said bothers or hurts you.
I bascially self sabotaged myself yesterday and was careless causing my own anxiety today. My W was pretty nice to me this am so she may not have read the email threads. Typically if she reads something that bothers her I get silent treatment. Who knows. I've learned from this incident. Very careless and foolish of me. It is difficult because sometimes I don't think. Call me a blonde.
We had such an amazing night last night I would HATE to backslide based on my ACOA threads seeking support. Most of the emails were about the statements my W made about me and if they were character traits of an ACOA person. I re-read them all and I could come to a conclusion if she read them she may get upset thinking possibly I'm a freak lol. Some of the threads praised the communication that were going on between me and W.
The only problem I have right now in this moment 25 is not knowing if my W read the threads or not. That is why I called my support rep and why I meditated in a conference room a little while ago.
The alcoholism is perfectly understandable as to why you feel the need to seek acceptance by the W and why you have so much anxiety. Hopefully you can see this.
If you don't want her to see your private conversations with AA, then just open a new gmail account or tell her that you would appreciate if she didn't check your emails because you are working through things and would appreciate some privacy. Tell her that she is more than welcome to ask questions about your treatment and you will be open to telling her everything, however she cannot check your messages.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Mr. B I'm starting to learn this. Only 1 meeting. I will be getting my ACOA book this week. It also explains a lot of things about me. Why I react, can act immature during conflict, and all sorts of fun stuff.
Thanks for the idea. Maybe I will open a new email for ACOA contact or venting with others
